Empathy and Advice Welcomed shame

[meow124]

hello, today wasn't that great. i have ocd, especially around being dirty. i honestly dread going to the bathroom because i know that it will be followed by a ritual. i had to use the public bathroom multiple times today when i'd usually just try and use my bathroom at home. it's not impossible to use public bathrooms, but i just feel this great shame and embarrassment for doing compulsions, even when done in private. i got close with someone during my summer program and during our program, one of the first questions she asked is if i have ocd. she noticed my dry hands and me overwashing my hands. it was embarrassing. i always hate doing compulsions in public, so for her to just point them out... was terrible to say the least. anyway, every time after i used the bathroom, i just started to think of killing myself. sometimes it's just hard to live with these thoughts. i feel like i've hit a lot of my things on my bucket list, so i just think "whats the point anymore...." all i really do these days is go to class and lay in bed. i don't really do much else. i can barely stay on campus before i start feeling like i need to go home and rest. i can only handle so much socialization and being in public. sometimes i just wish i couldnt be perceived. i know this feeling won't last forever, but sometimes i just can't help but feel like killing myself when i just cant handle anything anymore.