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She’s all I think about

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Gonz, Jan 29, 2018.

  1. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    A little over a year ago I came home to find my wife dead in our bed. I kind of want to tell what happened, but I also kinda don’t. I’ll just say that it was sudden and unexpected, and that it was a bad way to go.

    I’ve barely left my bedroom since. I sleep close to 12 hours a day, and spend most of my awake time in bed. I’ll go to the bathroom or the kitchen. Once a week I’ll leave the house to stock up on food and cigarettes and weed and even that, just an hour or two outside the house, provokes a ton of anxiety and is exhausting.

    And everything that happens, everything I do, reminds me of her. Put on some pajamas, remember that she bought them for me, break down and cry for a while. Make some dinner, think about how I’ll never eat her cooking again, throw the food in the trash and cry some more. Get in my car to go to the store, look at the empty passenger seat and yup, you guessed it, time for another crying fit.

    It hurts so fucking much. And, the thing is, I don’t want it to stop hurting. The only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because of what it would do to my parents. I’m not sure they’d be able to get past it, and I can’t do that to them. But it would be so easy to just go and finally be with her again, and every day that I don’t feels like I’m betraying her, and the pain is just the price I have to pay for that. Living in a world that doesn’t have her in it is hard enough. But the thought of ever being happy again makes it so much worse, it’s like spitting on her memory.

    Lasting this long is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and it’s only getting harder as time passes. It’s barely been a year, I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to last the rest of my life.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    This has all got to be so hard for you, I'm sorry

    My experience is that weed makes anxiety and depression way, way worse

    I don't think that's the way it works. I don't think that killing yourself is going to reunite you with her.

    My guess is that she loved you, and I can tell from everything that you've said that you loved her so much. I think that she would want you to live and be as happy as you can be.

    There are probably a lot of women who are a lot like your wife here on SF. Maybe telling them what you went through, what you are going through now, might help to persuade them to try to work on getting better rather than making a suicide attempt. I can't think of a better way to honor your wife's memory than this.

    Finding a way to make your own life better, doing what you can to make the world a better place, if you are able, I think this is what your wife would want for you.
    dtc likes this.
  3. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member


    In the long term, probably. In the short term, it’s one of the less harmful things that can get me through each day.

    Way I see it, there’s two options: either there is some sort of afterlife where there is a chance to be reunited, or we simply cease to exist. I can’t say I particularly believe in one or the other (though it’s obvious which I’m hoping for). But either way seems preferable to continuing on without her.

    That would feel good
  4. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Hey there
    You know, there's something you're saying here that strikes me that's seriously flawed thinking. If you had been the one to die and your wife were left behind what kind of life would you have wanted for her? Would you have wanted her to remain forever mournful of your passing, never getting with anyone again, be left crying all the time, be unable to move on with life, feel guilt for laughing, be unable to leave the house? No, man, you wouldn't want those things of her -- and people don't want that in general for others that are left behind when they die so I'm sure you're not an exception. You said you feel like you're betraying her in some way when you don't feel sad (my words) but this isn't what she wants for you. You're not doing anything wrong or unjust by bring happy or laughing or wanting to date someone. The loss of your wife is new and raw and I can understand that, it must be a real bitch for you, man. I feel for you but you're not "proving" anything to her because she's gone. Whatever your thoughts are on people once they die, she's not looking at you from somewhere out there and thinking "what an asshole, he looked at that woman" or "he should not be laughing at that movie right now". I don't think there's any real connecting once you die either. You can maintain your own thoughts of the afterlife and such but you're talking about killing yourself to be with someone who is gone. You're talking about leaving a life where you can see the sun rise, feel sand between your toes, listen to your favorite band, smell your future baby, etc for something that is essentially.. nothing. An unknown, an unsure thing, a place that could be somewhat a way you imagine or nothing like it at all when here on earth you just need some time to heal. You'll get to a place where all those things don't hurt like that anymore. If it's been a year for you it sounds like maybe you could use some grief counseling, either one on one or in a group. I'm sure there is a spouses support group in your town or close by, most cities have them. I wish you good luck, friend. Hang in there.
    may71 likes this.
  5. nobodyknows71

    nobodyknows71 Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi there. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
    The pain you’re in won’t ever subside totally but it does get easier to live with in time.
    You need to give yourself time to heal, this is still so fresh and raw and I can’t imagine the pain you’re in, but walkerbait is right she would never want this for you. Do you really think she would want to be the reason for you to kill yourself. I’m betting there’s no way in heel she’d be ok with that.

    Don’t do anything permanent whilst you’re feeling so bad. You need help with how you’re feeling so grief counselling would be a good first step.

    Hang in there and keep posting
  6. MarkahMalady

    MarkahMalady Well-Known Member

    There's probably not anything any of us here can do or say to make you feel much better. This kind of thing just takes time, bro. You just gotta stay strong and do your best, she would want you to be okay eventually.
    Stay with us, keep us posted on your progress. Spring will be coming in a little while, maybe some fresh air and sunshine will help you heal a bit.
  7. Lady Wolfshead

    Lady Wolfshead Trying to re-dream my dreams

    So sorry to read this. I just lost a close friend and that was brutal. I can't imagine losing my spouse. You need some counseling, I think. Anyone would. Big hugs to you.
    Gonz likes this.