shot in the dark. . .

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by loneland, Nov 7, 2013.

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  1. loneland

    loneland Member

    I don't know how to begin using this forum. I'm not even sure why I have chosen this as an option for myself. But I am so lonely I don't know what else to do. Even though I'm afraid to post this, I feel there's nothing else to do.

    I'm tired of being alone with what lives inside me. What lives inside me. That's the only way I can say it. I have dealt with my depression and trauma for many years with drugs, therapy, hospitalizations, etc. I manage it well. I'm used to dealing with it. I'm very high functioning. Have a career, advanced degree, active life, husband.

    But I feel like I live in a dark landscape, like the world is heavy on me, it reaches out and takes me, tears me apart and sews me back together again in a different way. As I drive or walk through the city, things seem to jump out at me and grab me, filling my head with images. My mind is filled with the morbid details of how buildings decay, how suffering is endured, how the living come to die, all in the most vivid detail. Sometimes I feel physically ill because I can smell a smell of dried bodily fluids that isn't really there, or imagine the sinewy popping of strained, deformed muscles, such that I can't even bring myself to eat. I see tall, dark, empty windows, wailing like broken mouths, full of the dessicated remains of their old inhabitants; dust, rotting wood, microbes, cracked paper, and paint caked hardware.
    I trod these landscapes over and over, they seem more real than almost anything else.

    I feel trapped and alone here. This morbid obsession, the fact that when someone asks me what I'm thinking about and 80% of the time the truth is too foul to tell makes me feel crazy. Insane. It hurts to always feel like something is wrong with me, that I'm just not right. Of course, this is just one side of myself. There are many other selves and identities within me, each with their various preoccupations. But this part of myself feels like a great black roaring, a scream that pierces everything. It's just more real than everything else, more authentic. I wish there was someone who could walk through the darkness with me and hold my hand. Suicide always comes back to me as an option, which I wish I could resist with greater strength. At least then I wouldn't be so alone.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you feel so alone, and to be honest I do not think you are nearly as alone as you may believe with a parade of morbid thoughts best unspoken due to social convention running through your head. I do not have an idea of how to curb that, but I am sorry, here, and think that silence and alone are different things.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. loneland

    loneland Member

    You make a good point about silence and being alone. However, I am left wondering how not alone we are if we are forced to live out our struggles in secret. Because of the type of work I do, I am required to be "on" for many hours every day. I serve others, which partly helps me to exorcise some of my pain, but can also be very depleting and can leave me feeling alone at the end of the day, despite having spent the day seeing hundreds of people.

    I suppose, upon reflection, that it why I wrote this post. I am tired of living multiple lives, the one in public and the one in my head. This is a way to dispel the secret. Unfortunately, many of the people in my personal life either aren't functional enough or close enough to me to confide in. Instead, I spend a lot of time writing. I write and write, lots of images and stories about my inner thoughts. But I wish there was someone to read those words. I don't know. . .
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry you are sometimes overwhelmed by dark and sad feelings and thoughts. I agree with NYJmpMaster, you are probably not as alone as you feel. It seems that many of us here could probably relate to being one person with people around and another person under the surface.

    I think you write well and I hope you do share more of your thoughts and stories with us. Depression, sensitivity to the world and to "possibility," and a creative mind could combine to make some very interesting stories. We have a Creative Writing forum - maybe you could post there. :)

    I hope you feel less alone. Be safe.
  5. loneland

    loneland Member

    Thanks for the suggestion, Acy. My therapist has also encouraged me to take my writing to a broader level than just in my journals. I've been nervous and shy to do it, but I think I'll try it.
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