Feel a bit crap. I'm on 200mg sertraline and 10mg aripiprazole. I don't see the point if the rest of my life will be like the last year (basically I was an unhappy vegetable, managed to read a few books, lay in bed, went to uni but only completed 1/3 of the year, had arguments with parents, drank a lot, smoked a lot of tobacco, posted on here). All I want is to feel happier, lose weight and look good, live more healthily (quit smoking and drinking for a start), be free from my paranoia and envy etc, to be able to read all the books in my room (I have 100's, at least half maths textbooks, so this might be ambitious), stop fearing poverty and homelessness, and to work in some way. I no longer care that much about money (I'd live with my parents until they or I die, if I had to) or relationships or friendships (considering these things would be hard for me to have, this is a possible plus side of sexual dysfunction on medication and my disorders which include autism). Alcohol and smoking are still issues. Smoked a lot in the last few days. My parents locked all my whisky and my crate of vodka in a cupboard. In my anger and despair, I chiseled the lock and slid it open and retrieved my alcohol. Needless to say I don't remember the days after this very well. I know this is a bad thing to do. I apologized and offered to pay my parents back for any damage, but they declined and said the house will now be alcohol free. Haven't been to uni in the last two weeks. Just waiting for everything to blow up when my parents (who I have to live with) find out and I get chucked off the course. I'm really tired of living with my parents now. I got their hopes up by doing well at school, and they're disappointed now, and I have to see it every day. I've pretty much given up on life, but my dad is so keen and he's always on my case trying to salvage a degree I don't care about. My mum says it's natural and she'd be sick of her parents if she'd had to live with them, and her biggest motivator for doing well in life was to get away from them. I do like my parents, and am sometimes grateful for being alive. Don't know what I'm hoping for. Everything feels bleak. Going to uni disability service won't help any more. All they do is stall deadlines (not helpful when I'll be just as bad in a month or two anyway, in all likelihood) and chat to you about your life (might work for some people but not for me). Seeing psychiatrist in 3 weeks. But nothing will change probably (again, psychiatrists might work for some but haven't appeared to for me. I guess they've given me hope in the past, but it's all been false hope. Also, I guess that if I'm unfit to work and have no money, the psychiatrist will recognize this and I won't starve hopefully). Managed to read 5 novels in the last 2 weeks. Sort of enjoyed it at times, but couldn't read that fast and follow the plots that well (possibly because of antipsychotics, never had this difficulty before them). I'm generally anhedonic. I'm aware it's a pretty pointless activity for me to read novels long-term, but short-term pleasure right now seems all I can hope for. One good thing is I've been discharged from OT. I didn't find it helpful to me, and got discharged because I'd gone back to uni. Really don't want to go back to OT.