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Sick of Compromising My Time & Sanity

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Trixie, Oct 24, 2017.

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  1. Trixie

    Trixie Member

    Have you ever felt like everything and everyone in the world was trying to discourage you from fulfilling your dreams? I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle, getting stomped in the mud underfoot every “professional” with whom I speak. Everything I was working toward for the last 11 years of my life was just tossed under the bus today at my first vocational rehabilitation appointment — 11 years wiped away in less than an hour. I was told that starting my own business as a freelance artist would be too difficult, pretty much impossible given the high standards by which Vocational Rehabilitation expects its clients to perform. My business would have to be successful and profitable within the first year of start-up. That’s not even feasible for someone who is highly motivated and hyper-focused. I expect to be forced to accept menial labor for minimum wage (or less than). I expect to be told to appreciate the generous offer of said menial labor or sent packing.

    I spoke with my case manager after that appointment to get proof of my diagnoses for Vocational Rehabilitation so they can begin the process to determine my eligibility for services. Even she said I should just accept whatever job services they can offer me and keep looking for something better in the mean time. The goal is simply to have an income to be self-sufficient no matter how meaningless the job is. The problem with that approach, the problem I’ve had in the past with this approach, is that I become too overwhelmed, too over-stimulated, to the point of a complete mental breakdown. Too many demands on my time make everything feel out of control to the point where I no longer function because I can’t cope!

    I’m already there.

    I’ve been there for 3 months!

    I’ve never wanted to die as badly as I do tonight. And that’s saying a lot.

    I’m sick and tired of compromising my time for everyone else’s expectations of me. My TIME is my most valuable commodity. I can’t compromise on this anymore. I won’t. Either I “create” my own “creative” job opportunity for myself or I do nothing at all. I will happily starve to death, homeless, destitute, and completely alone if I have to just to prove a point. And if that’s insane, then so be it. I don’t care! I am a freelance artist/illustrator. Period. There is no compromise on this. I’ve compromised my entire adult life and remained miserable and suicidal all of those years. Let me reiterate: I do this or I do nothing at all. Do or DIE. I’ve got nothing left to lose, so either is fine by me.
  2. Duster1980

    Duster1980 New Member

    It sounds as though you have a talent that folks would pay for... Why throw that away? Start your own business and to hell with the naysayers.
  3. cclun

    cclun Active Member

    Sounds like you are a very creative person and really have a heart for art, and that is your love. You are so passionate about that it shows. I think it is perfectly fine to keep yourself involved in art and in the mean time having a part time job to pay the bills. You can certainly start an art business and keep a part time job until the art business takes off - and it WILL, in time! I do not believe you have to be successful within the first year. Every business takes time. Please do not think about taking your life! Life is full of possibilities and potential and the world will be losing an aspiring artist who can make great contribution without you! By the way if you really want someone to talk to, I know of a free counseling service from <mod edit - religious preaching>
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 25, 2017
  4. Trixie

    Trixie Member

    Thank you for the mod edit. As a nontheist, religious preaching is the last thing I need right now.
  5. SoBoredAndOld

    SoBoredAndOld Member

    Hi there, Trixie. You have a gift. Don't take your life. You are very important for us. Just stay calm and focused. Better days are coming. Keep doing your art and if you need someone to talk, i'm here for you. Stay strong and safe. Hugs :)
  6. Trixie

    Trixie Member

    I think the worst part of all of this is realizing that everyone who keeps telling me, "You can't do this," may be right. Whenever I get this depressed, my art is the first thing to go. I lose all interest in everything that usually helps me cope. Nothing brings me pleasure. Creating art, drawing, playing piano, or even photography all drop off one by one because the depression literally steals my creativity, making everything feel like a chore or totally pointless because "Who am I kidding. I can't do this." I can barely stay motivated enough to run my household, let alone work a full-time job outside the home and keep up with all the things I actually enjoy doing. I feel like I'm being forced into doing something I don't want to do -- get a job; but I get it. Everyone has to work. I can't freeload off of the ex-boyfriend or social services. The thought of getting a job overwhelms me so badly because I remember how badly I coped when I was working. It didn't matter if it was only part time or full time, the exhaustion alone was enough to make my life so miserable that I could do nothing else. Get up, go to work, come home, maybe eat something if I had enough energy to make food, go to bed, repeat -- day after day after day with no time left to enjoy myself or spend doing the things I love. It feels hopeless, and I feel so discouraged. All I can think about is death and dying, and that's no way to LIVE.
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