it used to be that when i was feeling down, id go for a run and things would do a 360.
nowadays, running just makes me sadder. i dont know. its like theres this huge cloud hanging over everything i do. but i dont think im depressed beause im fully functional. i go through the motions of everyday life just fine. and when im around people i put on a happy go luck face that fools myself into thinking im okay. but then when its over and done with i realize it wasnt real.
im eating right, excercising... doing everything one should be. why do i feel this way? lately the only thing that helps is my photography. in the darkroom its comforting. but it cant be dark forever, and when you leave its back to the "real world".
i try, honestly i do. and sometimes i can make it through without even thinking about it. sometimes its even bearable. but then... well last weekend, it got too much, and i had alcohol. and i got drunk, and forgot. and it felt good. but it felt bad all at the same time. and i dont know what to do anymore. my parents found me in my room, apparently i was screaming/crying out real loud, and had thrown up all over the place. i remember everything from then onwards and from before, but not the screaming and throwing up bit. and then i realized thats what it must feel like to be dead. and it just seems so tempting. i mean to not remember, to have no recollection whatsoever. not be faced with a million issues- global and personal. why do we put up with everything when theres a way out?
the only thing that keeps me going is hope. i hate it. i hate how i still think things will get better. i hate how no matter what theres something inside that wont give into this fully. and the hope, well it always ends in dissapointment. and i dont have the strength to deal with that anymore. i dont want to... i dont know. hm...
nowadays, running just makes me sadder. i dont know. its like theres this huge cloud hanging over everything i do. but i dont think im depressed beause im fully functional. i go through the motions of everyday life just fine. and when im around people i put on a happy go luck face that fools myself into thinking im okay. but then when its over and done with i realize it wasnt real.
im eating right, excercising... doing everything one should be. why do i feel this way? lately the only thing that helps is my photography. in the darkroom its comforting. but it cant be dark forever, and when you leave its back to the "real world".
i try, honestly i do. and sometimes i can make it through without even thinking about it. sometimes its even bearable. but then... well last weekend, it got too much, and i had alcohol. and i got drunk, and forgot. and it felt good. but it felt bad all at the same time. and i dont know what to do anymore. my parents found me in my room, apparently i was screaming/crying out real loud, and had thrown up all over the place. i remember everything from then onwards and from before, but not the screaming and throwing up bit. and then i realized thats what it must feel like to be dead. and it just seems so tempting. i mean to not remember, to have no recollection whatsoever. not be faced with a million issues- global and personal. why do we put up with everything when theres a way out?
the only thing that keeps me going is hope. i hate it. i hate how i still think things will get better. i hate how no matter what theres something inside that wont give into this fully. and the hope, well it always ends in dissapointment. and i dont have the strength to deal with that anymore. i dont want to... i dont know. hm...