I’m in a rut. Enumerated simply:
1) I live w/ my extremely controlling parents. No key, curfew, can’t even make my own food. Any food I buy for myself that I can’t eat the next day, they throw away. Keep my passport in a safe because they paid for it, and according to them that gives them the right to do so. I’m 23.
2) My original escape plan was college, to live on campus. Worked very hard in CC to get my GPA up, got rejected anyway.
3) The only jobs I can get are night jobs: bar work, security, front door stuff. But due to 1) I can’t feasibly keep those jobs because I run the risk of being out on the street if I’m out too late.
4) No money + no time = very limited social life. Can’t go out for drinks or to dinner without someone paying. A new friend of mine invited me to a movie night and if I go I’m not getting back in the house. “Hey there person I barely know: can I crash on your couch?”
5) The lights of my life, my best friend and boyfriend, are each out of the state.
Short of miraculously getting a reasonably paying job, which would solve every one of these problems in time, and which is likely impossible with just my high school diploma — trust me, I’ve tried — I’m relegated to gig work. Oh, and of course:
6) My parents want me to start paying to live with them and buying my own food. This makes sense but I’ll have practically nothing coming to me in the way of savings, as I have my own bills and debts I need to pay. It’s insulting to watch my mom buy designer clothes and fancy perfume in the face of what the economy is like.
Two years, now, I’ve been in this situation. I consider it completely reasonable to want to kill myself. I just don’t see a way out. Everything I’ve tried is a dead end. And the ironic thing is that I’m terrified of death. So I’ll either summon the courage to die or keep living this stagnant life, which stagnancy and death aren’t much too different are they?
The only things keeping me here are that aforementioned fear of death and the love I have for my , who I’m embarrassed to even tell about any of this. And that I’m waiting on some art I’ve submitted to galleries — if it’s accepted, I’ll put dying off. Were it not for these three things I’d be day-drinking by the train tracks.
The worst part is that I’m intimately aware how self-pitying the entire conceit of posting this kind of message on a forum is. There are worse problems in the world. People are practically enslaved in my country right now, working for $2/hr in prisons or detention camps. Or they’re addicted to drugs or alcohol and living on the street — I interact with folks like this every single day on account of where I live. These people don’t seem to want to die (rather, they have a strange self-determination and persistence that I admire) and my problems compared to theirs are minuscule. And yet.
The only out I see is head-down on a rail.
1) I live w/ my extremely controlling parents. No key, curfew, can’t even make my own food. Any food I buy for myself that I can’t eat the next day, they throw away. Keep my passport in a safe because they paid for it, and according to them that gives them the right to do so. I’m 23.
2) My original escape plan was college, to live on campus. Worked very hard in CC to get my GPA up, got rejected anyway.
3) The only jobs I can get are night jobs: bar work, security, front door stuff. But due to 1) I can’t feasibly keep those jobs because I run the risk of being out on the street if I’m out too late.
4) No money + no time = very limited social life. Can’t go out for drinks or to dinner without someone paying. A new friend of mine invited me to a movie night and if I go I’m not getting back in the house. “Hey there person I barely know: can I crash on your couch?”
5) The lights of my life, my best friend and boyfriend, are each out of the state.
Short of miraculously getting a reasonably paying job, which would solve every one of these problems in time, and which is likely impossible with just my high school diploma — trust me, I’ve tried — I’m relegated to gig work. Oh, and of course:
6) My parents want me to start paying to live with them and buying my own food. This makes sense but I’ll have practically nothing coming to me in the way of savings, as I have my own bills and debts I need to pay. It’s insulting to watch my mom buy designer clothes and fancy perfume in the face of what the economy is like.
Two years, now, I’ve been in this situation. I consider it completely reasonable to want to kill myself. I just don’t see a way out. Everything I’ve tried is a dead end. And the ironic thing is that I’m terrified of death. So I’ll either summon the courage to die or keep living this stagnant life, which stagnancy and death aren’t much too different are they?
The only things keeping me here are that aforementioned fear of death and the love I have for my , who I’m embarrassed to even tell about any of this. And that I’m waiting on some art I’ve submitted to galleries — if it’s accepted, I’ll put dying off. Were it not for these three things I’d be day-drinking by the train tracks.
The worst part is that I’m intimately aware how self-pitying the entire conceit of posting this kind of message on a forum is. There are worse problems in the world. People are practically enslaved in my country right now, working for $2/hr in prisons or detention camps. Or they’re addicted to drugs or alcohol and living on the street — I interact with folks like this every single day on account of where I live. These people don’t seem to want to die (rather, they have a strange self-determination and persistence that I admire) and my problems compared to theirs are minuscule. And yet.
The only out I see is head-down on a rail.