Dear All,
the main reason I'm here is a recent (very recent) experience of being on the verge of taking my own life.
I know it is wrong. I know that life is precious. Still, I can't help.
I have a wonderful dog who got paralized from the neck due to a spinal injury earlier this year. I became a full time carer for him (catheterizing, turning, feeding, emptying bowels, physiotherapy, feeding and entertaining) and I feel that nursing him back to (almost) full health has been the best thing I've ever done in my entire life. During those months I learned to pray, learned to have faith against all odds and learnt just how fragile, therefore precious life is.
For some reason, I can't transfer this knowledge to my own life.
I have always been bordering on mental health issues; heard voices, couldn't recognize people I'd known including family members, had strange physical sensations - yet never been diagnosed with anything.
My general experience of life is that I'm a joke and I should finally recognize that I have no place in it; that it is wrong for me to be around so I should either take my own life or engage in some activity that will surely kill me.
I haven't done it - haven't even seriously attempted it so far (despite feeling pushed to do it) simply because of the fact that I'm responsible for my dog's well being.
However, my whole life is collapsing.
Last night I drove up to Snake Pass in the dark and I felt that all I had to do was to step on the accelerator and it would all be over.
The ONLY thing that stopped me was the thought of my dog - who will look after him if I'm gone?
Well, he is 10 years old. I expect him to be around for some time but to be honest, I am scared. When he is not around any more, will there be anything to stop me? God, I don't think so.
I don't consider myself particularly weak or of a self pitying nature.
I'm just scared that I will do something I don't really want to do and that will end my life in a wrong way.
I hope you don't find my post too distressing - sorry if you do.
I would be grateful for any feedback.
Best wishes,
Crash
the main reason I'm here is a recent (very recent) experience of being on the verge of taking my own life.
I know it is wrong. I know that life is precious. Still, I can't help.
I have a wonderful dog who got paralized from the neck due to a spinal injury earlier this year. I became a full time carer for him (catheterizing, turning, feeding, emptying bowels, physiotherapy, feeding and entertaining) and I feel that nursing him back to (almost) full health has been the best thing I've ever done in my entire life. During those months I learned to pray, learned to have faith against all odds and learnt just how fragile, therefore precious life is.
For some reason, I can't transfer this knowledge to my own life.
I have always been bordering on mental health issues; heard voices, couldn't recognize people I'd known including family members, had strange physical sensations - yet never been diagnosed with anything.
My general experience of life is that I'm a joke and I should finally recognize that I have no place in it; that it is wrong for me to be around so I should either take my own life or engage in some activity that will surely kill me.
I haven't done it - haven't even seriously attempted it so far (despite feeling pushed to do it) simply because of the fact that I'm responsible for my dog's well being.
However, my whole life is collapsing.
Last night I drove up to Snake Pass in the dark and I felt that all I had to do was to step on the accelerator and it would all be over.
The ONLY thing that stopped me was the thought of my dog - who will look after him if I'm gone?
Well, he is 10 years old. I expect him to be around for some time but to be honest, I am scared. When he is not around any more, will there be anything to stop me? God, I don't think so.
I don't consider myself particularly weak or of a self pitying nature.
I'm just scared that I will do something I don't really want to do and that will end my life in a wrong way.
I hope you don't find my post too distressing - sorry if you do.
I would be grateful for any feedback.
Best wishes,
Crash
