So, I'm at my lowest point now, so far

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by PrimusPilus, Nov 5, 2013.

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  1. PrimusPilus

    PrimusPilus Member

    This is my first post, and I need to vent as much as I need support. I'm 37, been married 14 years, although my wife and I were separated for about one year (infidelity on her part). I've always been very shy, and with a melancholy disposition. Up to now, the most depressed I've been was a two year stint after a girlfriend broke up with me in high school. I was 14 and very stupid, and part of the depression was my fault, because I just wouldn't move on. I won't say I was suicidal, but I thought about dying alot. I prayed to not wake up, but never developed a plan.

    Anyway, I went to college and then law school, passed the bar and got a job. My wife and I built a house and everything was going well. Three years ago, while my wife and I were separated, my Dad became very ill, and eventually died. This devastated me and my mom. My wife helped us through this, and we got back together.

    During my Dad's illness, my younger sister took advantage of my parents. She opened a credit card in my mom's and her name, and charged $10,000 on it. She stole money from their checking account. My parents paid all of her bills, and my mom still does. She doesn't work. I have worked hard for what little I have, and she's constantly rewarded for stealing and her laziness. She's just a bad person.

    My Mom received some money from the VA due to my Dad's service related disability. I talked her into giving me some, pointing out all that my sister had taken from them.

    I worked for a small law firm, just me and my boss, and three staff. About a year ago, he was appointed as a judge. I took over his practice. This was a scary proposition for me, since I have little self-confidence. But I did it. The money my Mom gave me helped me live while I built the practice. I kept the three staff, even though I probably could do with only one. They are like family to me, and they have families, and I feel responsible for them. I have went many times without a paycheck so I could pay them. Now, my savings are depleted, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay someone off.

    I am depressed now because I feel like a huge failure. My wife expected me to make alot more money than I am. I don't want to talk to her about the money issue, because I'm afraid she'll just berate me. She did this after we got back together after she found out I had seen other people while we were separated (I know, not very logical, but she's a manipulator). The thing is, I know I'm smart, but I'm still a huge failure.

    I constantly think about how much better things would be if I were dead. I repeatedly say to myself, <mod edit - method>. My wife would have my life insurance money to start over. We have no kids, because she didn't want any. The only thing I look forward to is going to sleep at night. I take as many naps as I can. I don't want to wake up. I feel worthless. And I feel bad for wasting your time since you've read this.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2013
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You do not sound like a failure to me in any way. You are well educated, run a law firm, well established. You may have been able to accumulate more personal wealth if you had chosen that to be a priority over the people that work for you but choosing not to have does not make you a failure. Just as making the needed cuts at this point when it is no longer discretionary will not mean you failed - it will mean you stepped up and made the hard decision.

    So far as the personal life - no children - either the wife is supportive and brings something more to your life or she does not. That is for you to decide, and neither makes you a failure. So decisions that all of us would prefer to avoid need to be made but making them one way or the other and moving past will likely be a benefit to your mental well being....
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is time to look after you ok hun Are you getting your depression looked after by a professional if not talk to your doctor Perhaps marriage councilor even just for you would help you with your self esteem I am sorry you are struggling so and hope that you reach out to supports be a doctor or therapist to help you through this difficult time
     
  4. PrimusPilus

    PrimusPilus Member

    After I discovered my wife's affair, I went to a counselor. She suggested Lexapro for my social anxiety, and it has helped. I'm able to function at work now with it. My wife is a mental health case manager, and she was very resistant for me to even see the counselor, and even more hostile to the idea of me taking Lexapro. I don't really know why. I think she was afraid I'd suddenly become more outgoing and more likely to find another woman, or something like that. She once told me that with my looks, "I'd be dangerous if I had a personality." Backhanded compliment if there ever was one, lol. Thanks for the responses.
     
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