So much has changed

[the adversary]

So today is what, Monday, May 29th. 7 pm. I lost my dad yesterday, Sunday, May 28th at 1:00 am in the morning. I think I may be in shock, or I haven't accepted it yet. Because I haven't balled my eyes out yet, which is extremely strange. I mean, I have cried on a couple occasions, but I was expecting more. When we first got the cancer diagnosis, I was sobbing uncontrollably. In a way, I feel guilty that I haven't had that reaction to the death yet. Although I'm aware that I'm avoiding the reality of his passing. I took care of him in hospice at our house. I was with him, alone, when he passed away. So traumatizing I'm doing my best to avoid it at all costs.

To complicate matters, my brother and I were raised by my dad, a single parent. Never married. My brother moved out at some point, but I never did. Here I am, 36 years old, still living with my dad in our small, one bedroom house. My entire 36 years of existence, it's all I have ever known. Being side by side with my dad. Just 2 bachelors living together. Me, locked away in the only room of this house. My dad, made the living room his room. We would see each other every single day. Not only that, we worked together as well, cleaning office buildings. Not other coworkers. Just us. Always around each other. Rarely talking, but always there. Suddenly, it has all ended. In the blink of an eye, not only have I lost the only human contact in my life, my own father, only friend, I am thrust into a position of taking care of a house, paying bills, staying on top of things. When we first got the cancer diagnosis, I began writing a goodbye letter. 100 percent convinced at the time that when he goes, I go. All of this change is overwhelming. Letter never was finished, and I am still here for the time being.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

I'm so sad to hear of your loss. Did you and your dad talk about what you would do after his death?

I was 30 when my Dad died of pancreatic cancer. It's a cruel disease. My brother is fighting cancer right now.

I hope you will stay with us and talk more and find a reason to live.

 

[Gonz]

Don’t put too much thought into your initial emotional reaction. With grief, there’s a kind of numbness that comes and goes. It’s very normal to not cry when you think you should. And there’ll most likely be times in the future when the tears come at moments you wouldn’t expect. There’s zero reason to feel guilty about any of that.

I’m so sorry about your dad.

 

[the adversary]

I'm so sad to hear of your loss. Did you and your dad talk about what you would do after his death?

I was 30 when my Dad died of pancreatic cancer. It's a cruel disease. My brother is fighting cancer right now.

I hope you will stay with us and talk more and find a reason to live.

We talked some about it. Gave me his notepad that has all his various usernames and passwords, work on the house that needs to be done, things like that. One thing that sticks out is the way he acknowledged just how vastly different my life is going to be once he is gone. That sticks out to me. Even he was aware of just how insane it's going to be for me.

Sorry to hear about for dad and brother as well. I'm hoping for the best with your brother.

 

[the adversary]

Don’t put too much thought into your initial emotional reaction. With grief, there’s a kind of numbness that comes and goes. It’s very normal to not cry when you think you should. And there’ll most likely be times in the future when the tears come at moments you wouldn’t expect. There’s zero reason to feel guilty about any of that.

I’m so sorry about your dad.

Thank you for this so much.

 

[SillyOldBear]

@the adversary It is so hard to lose a parent. I remember when mine passed. Those memories will always be with me. But so will the memories of the good times we shared. And those good memories will come to you. You will focus less on the loss and more on the life you shared together. A favorite TV show, or piece of music will bring your Dad to mind. And you will remember sharing that with him. Don't worry about the tears. They will come. You are still in shock. And remember, everyone grieves differently.

 

[Livelife]

@the adversary
I'm sorry to hear of you are having to say goodbye to your dear dad. I'm glad you are here and sharing. That's you taking care of you.
Like SillyOldBear said, you are in shock and will be for awhile. Just do whatever you need to do to take care of what's in front of you. If it's paying a bill that's due or putting gas in the car or fixing a meal and eating.
I sat with my dad and watched him take his last breaths in his bed at home. That's a loving thing, that your father was at home and in a familiar environment and you were there near him.
Guilt has no place in what you are going through right now. Not a bit. Tears will come whenever, even if it's a month or two from now. It's not set in stone how a person walks and moves through pain and grief. And your body and mind are protecting you at the moment, that's a good thing.
Many of us here have been through this. We can be here some for you as you go though the next days, weeks, and months. And may your dad Rest In Peace.

 

[KM76710]

@the adversary

Sad news to hear the loss of your dad, but glad you did join because this is a good place for getting to know supportive and caring people. I hope you continue post because you can express and reach out and know that others are listening.

 

[the adversary]

Thank you guys for your compassion, as well as taking the time to read my post and write a response. You didn't have to, yet you chose to. Thank you.

Just thought I'd share this, because I've got no where else to share it. Yesterday, an older mother-daughter team offered to cover my work that night at a building I clean. Which I accepted. Then tonight, I drive passed this building and notice their car is still there, which is weird. They're never there this late. My mind starts to race, "They must be doing my work again because they want extra money, taking it out of my pocket". Later, when I arrive, I walk in fearing the worst. And sure enough, everything is already done. "What the fuck, this is bullshit. I'm going to call my boss about this". I walk to the water closet, and see an envelope with my name on it. I proceed to open it, and inside there is a card left by the girls, offering their condolences and compassion. Along with cash to cover my lost wages. I almost started to cry. I want to cry now writing this. It touched me on a core level. I've seen these girls maybe 3, 4 times? It's also eye opening on just how low my opinion of humanity is, always assuming the worst about them. Man am I a mess.

 

[Gonz]

I’m glad you got to experience that bit of kindness. I can’t help but have a pretty low opinion of humanity as well, but that only makes people who are like that all the more special.

 

[nicktheundoer]

So today is what, Monday, May 29th. 7 pm. I lost my dad yesterday, Sunday, May 28th at 1:00 am in the morning. I think I may be in shock, or I haven't accepted it yet. Because I haven't balled my eyes out yet, which is extremely strange. I mean, I have cried on a couple occasions, but I was expecting more. When we first got the cancer diagnosis, I was sobbing uncontrollably. In a way, I feel guilty that I haven't had that reaction to the death yet. Although I'm aware that I'm avoiding the reality of his passing. I took care of him in hospice at our house. I was with him, alone, when he passed away. So traumatizing I'm doing my best to avoid it at all costs.

To complicate matters, my brother and I were raised by my dad, a single parent. Never married. My brother moved out at some point, but I never did. Here I am, 36 years old, still living with my dad in our small, one bedroom house. My entire 36 years of existence, it's all I have ever known. Being side by side with my dad. Just 2 bachelors living together. Me, locked away in the only room of this house. My dad, made the living room his room. We would see each other every single day. Not only that, we worked together as well, cleaning office buildings. Not other coworkers. Just us. Always around each other. Rarely talking, but always there. Suddenly, it has all ended. In the blink of an eye, not only have I lost the only human contact in my life, my own father, only friend, I am thrust into a position of taking care of a house, paying bills, staying on top of things. When we first got the cancer diagnosis, I began writing a goodbye letter. 100 percent convinced at the time that when he goes, I go. All of this change is overwhelming. Letter never was finished, and I am still here for the time being.

Hey I'm so sorry for your loss....hugs....

 

[nicktheundoer]

Thank you guys for your compassion, as well as taking the time to read my post and write a response. You didn't have to, yet you chose to. Thank you.

Just thought I'd share this, because I've got no where else to share it. Yesterday, an older mother-daughter team offered to cover my work that night at a building I clean. Which I accepted. Then tonight, I drive passed this building and notice their car is still there, which is weird. They're never there this late. My mind starts to race, "They must be doing my work again because they want extra money, taking it out of my pocket". Later, when I arrive, I walk in fearing the worst. And sure enough, everything is already done. "What the fuck, this is bullshit. I'm going to call my boss about this". I walk to the water closet, and see an envelope with my name on it. I proceed to open it, and inside there is a card left by the girls, offering their condolences and compassion. Along with cash to cover my lost wages. I almost started to cry. I want to cry now writing this. It touched me on a core level. I've seen these girls maybe 3, 4 times? It's also eye opening on just how low my opinion of humanity is, always assuming the worst about them. Man am I a mess.

No you're not a mess..maybe you went through some tough times..maybe that made you have a low opinion of humanity..We all are good..It's just that some people have imperfections and are toxic..Staying away,loving them all from a distance works..hugs....