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So unsure of things

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Invisible Child, Aug 16, 2014.

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  1. Invisible Child

    Invisible Child Antiquities Friend

    I honestly don't even know how I feel, I know that there is some depression still going on and I will probably fight it until the day that I die. I don't hate my life, yet I hate the person that I am. I have done so many horrible things in my life and I don't know how to forgive myself but yet I forgive those who have hurt me. I give others so many chances yet I can't even give myself a second chance. I want to be able to sit in chat and be happy without triggering, yet I want to isolate myself so badly from the world so that it doesn't see the horrible person that I have become. I try to hid myself from others and put up these walls in hopes that everyone will just continue to think I am this strong person that has everything together when in reality I feel almost dead inside. I know that I don't take good care of myself yet I will bend over backwards to help another out, why can't I do the same for myself?

    I don't want much out of this life, I just want to be accepted for who and what I am without judgement. I want a "sister" that I can share my deepest secrets with, that cares about me and not just what I can do for or give them. I want a therapist that I can call or email and they will get back to me, not one that cancels appointments and never returns a call or email. I want help to get out of this dump that I am in but honestly do not know how to ask because I have reached out to this therapist so many times and each time I feel rejected. I want the therapist back that I had years ago, she was awesome and was always there. I can't even find a new therapist now because of insurance.

    I want to stop harming myself because it is the only way that I know to numb myself from the emotional pain that I feel constantly and it is the only relief that I get from the emotional pain even if it is just for a short time. I want to stop taking dangerous chances just hoping that one of them will take my life. I want to one day love another in a healthy way and not just be a "toy" to another. I want to know what love is. I want to accept and forgive myself before I leave this world.

    I just want to be happy for more than a few minutes.
  2. transparent

    transparent Well-Known Member

    I know this struggle an I know this angst. I know there are others than just myself who feel this too. Reading this compared to your earlier posts, you've come so very far. You have so much to give an you always put others first. Now, let some of us put YOU first.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi honey! NEVER hate yourself. NEVER give up on yourself! Ever. I know you have been suffering with these thoughts for a good while now and its maybe taking it's toll. You say you'd like a ''sister'' to share secrets with and talk to. I am offering to be that sister to you, I care about you deeply and have always talked and helped you when I could . You know I am always here for you hun! :hug:
  4. Invisible Child

    Invisible Child Antiquities Friend

    Thank you both. I don't know what my problem is right now. I'm not happy yet I'm not extremely depressed. Today all I can seem to do it cry and I don't know why. Maybe because it is getting close to my daughter's birthday. To be looked at I start to cry and to have someone talk to me (in or out of chat) I cry harder. I do not like this confused and uncertain feeling and it is taking a huge toll on me right now.

    Hugs to you both
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    What is it you have done that is so terrible that you cannot forgive yourself? What is stopping you from forgiving yourself and being kind to yourself?
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