I honestly don't even know how I feel, I know that there is some depression still going on and I will probably fight it until the day that I die. I don't hate my life, yet I hate the person that I am. I have done so many horrible things in my life and I don't know how to forgive myself but yet I forgive those who have hurt me. I give others so many chances yet I can't even give myself a second chance. I want to be able to sit in chat and be happy without triggering, yet I want to isolate myself so badly from the world so that it doesn't see the horrible person that I have become. I try to hid myself from others and put up these walls in hopes that everyone will just continue to think I am this strong person that has everything together when in reality I feel almost dead inside. I know that I don't take good care of myself yet I will bend over backwards to help another out, why can't I do the same for myself? I don't want much out of this life, I just want to be accepted for who and what I am without judgement. I want a "sister" that I can share my deepest secrets with, that cares about me and not just what I can do for or give them. I want a therapist that I can call or email and they will get back to me, not one that cancels appointments and never returns a call or email. I want help to get out of this dump that I am in but honestly do not know how to ask because I have reached out to this therapist so many times and each time I feel rejected. I want the therapist back that I had years ago, she was awesome and was always there. I can't even find a new therapist now because of insurance. I want to stop harming myself because it is the only way that I know to numb myself from the emotional pain that I feel constantly and it is the only relief that I get from the emotional pain even if it is just for a short time. I want to stop taking dangerous chances just hoping that one of them will take my life. I want to one day love another in a healthy way and not just be a "toy" to another. I want to know what love is. I want to accept and forgive myself before I leave this world. I just want to be happy for more than a few minutes.