Some advice on getting therapy?

[Lukestudd]

Hey, this is my second time writing in here and i wanted some advice about therapy. Um i should say first that my english is bad sorry about that.
I went to therapy before about 3 times and it didnt go well. I mean, the first time i went to therapy it helped the first three sessions and then it all went downhill, so i eventually stopped going. This was in mid 2020. The second time i went to therapy because i realized i couldnt do it anymore without it, and i had a really bad experience in my only session. She blamed me for everything and made me feel bad for crying. She thought i was exagerating and that all my problems would be gone if i just "put a little effort". I never came back. Starting this year, maybe because of holidays or just normal me, i was really bad again (worse than usual), so i tried again. She wasnt that bad, but she didnt know half the words id say and she would just ask akward non related to anything questions. She would ask me a question and if i didnt answer she would just sit there and i felt how her eyes were judging me, it felt like i was bothering her more than usual? Maybe she was just in a bad mood, idk.
Apart from my bad experiences i have other problem wich is that i am almost unable to speak my mind. I struggle a lot to say what i am really thinking or feeling and specially when anxious (and i am really anxious in therapy because i dont know if its going well and everything else anxiety makes me think), so even when i know that i should say "i came here because i need help because i feel like shit and i want to have will to live", i cant say it. Its not that i dint think about it, maybe i think about it so much that i end up not saying it. They start with questions about my family and when they come to why am i there i sit there, thinking in my head in x2 speed on what should i say, if i should say this or that or maybe what i was thinking of saying, or maybe not because what if she doesnt understands me? Because it has happened too many times when i said something and i dont know if it is me that im saying things wrong over anxiety or i know definitions of words wrong or they just do not catch my vibe at all. And if i start to try to say something of what is actally happening my voice does not work. I try to say something, i open my mouth and a sound is about to get out from it but it doesnt. So i end up thinking im just unable to talk and im there just wasting money because im not even talking.
But there is other things like, when im in my worse i can say exactly how i feel (or write it at least), but when im not, the fog seems to block all memories and feelings and trying to explain how i feel is like trying to remember another persons memories, like i cant reach it not even if i want, not because im not feeling bad because what i call the fog or the nothingness is also bad but its not exactly the same. I suppose that therapy is supposed to help with that so i can finally say that im not feeling well and hopefully they give me something of value to my mind so i can feel ok again? Idk.
Anyways i wanted advice, because i want to go to therapy again or to a psychologist or psychiatrist ( i dont know if i wrote that well or what is the difference honestly just that my family for some reason doesnt want me to go to the last one), but i have all this problems about me being unable to talk and, honestly it would be hard enough to even say that i need therapy, i struggle with that a lot too. I was told (by irls) that therapy is the only way to feel better when problems like mine, so i guess i should give it another try? My family and friends (and myself) dont know what to do about me honestly but i dont show them that im feeling bad either. Idk. Anyways, thank u for reading, i hope my english isnt too painful and if no ones reads it i guess it helped me get all of this out of my head. I hope u are well :]

 

[may71]

I was told (by irls) that therapy is the only way to feel better when problems like mine

I don't think that's true. Therapy can be good if that kind of treatment and the style of therapy fits you well, and you and the therapist are a good match.

You've said that writing helps, so might want to try doing some writing often, maybe a few times a week or even every day. You could write about the things that bother you, or even just try to write the story of your life from as far back as you can remember.

I think you mentioned having a sister that has a history of feeling suicidal. I wonder if you could communicate with her via email, and maybe mutually try to figure out why each of you feels the way you do. The fact that you've both felt suicidal suggests to me that there is either something genetic that's making you that way, or maybe that there was some kind of trauma in your past that you can't remember, or that you don't realize.

Group therapy is often a less expensive form of therapy, as well as often having a shorter wait time to enter. It might be worth a try.

When my father died, I had trouble expressing emotions. I got an treatment where I had press balls taped to acu-points in my ear, and I found that after massaging the points for a while, the emotions finally came out. If there's affordable acupuncture in your area, you might want to give that a try. There's information about community-style clinics and teaching clinics in my signature link.

I'm certainly not against one-on-one therapy, but it's often expensive, hard to access, and therapist that is a bad match can be useless or counterproductive. Not being able to talk just adds a layer of complication to that.

 

[Pearl12]

Therapy is not the only way to feel better, but it can be helpful. The trick is finding a therapist that resonates with you. I have been to over 20 therapists and have found only 3 that resonate so... it's kind of a crap shoot. Some people might have better luck. But don't be dismayed—it's not you. There's just a lot of bad therapists out there, or good therapists that lack that je ne sais quoi.

 

[MAC0]

Not sure its the only way to feel good with any issue i know for me i am hoping it can help me find a way to find something of a future as others have said you might need a different therapist

i dont know how it works where you live but is there no way to access free therapy i know in the UK i was able to put myself into therapy the main issue is the waiting list here

as for not feeling like you can talk i was brought up with idea you keep everything locked up as a man but i shocked myself during my assessment for therapy once i started talking it just would not stop