Hello all,
I'll start out with a bit of history to give context to the situation. A while back I developed feelings for someone I couldn't pursue in a university/professional setting. I am prone to obsessive "limerence" type romantic feelings, and this continued for a few years. I ended up getting into a situation where I would work with this person on a project for the past year, and working with them was like an emotional roller coaster for me. They made me intensely happy to be with them, but they also triggered some of my suicidal impulses. My intense feelings for them actually contributed to a suicide attempt once in the past. I discussed some of my experiences with suicidal ideation with them, and they provided support in the general professional way of suggesting counseling and whatnot, but it was still a fairly intimate thing to share I believe. Anyway, we continued working together, and once the end of the school year came around, they said goodbye (they had informed me that they would be leaving a few weeks prior). I decided that since I probably won't be seeing them again, I might as well just confess my romantic feelings as an explanation for why I got so attached to them in an apology email (I also included some stuff about how I was hoping to move on from them now that they'd be gone), and they replied that revealing those feelings was inappropriate in a professional setting. That was the last real conversation I had with them.
I convinced myself that since we probably weren't going to see each other again, I now had a chance to move on from them. Essentially, the possibility of ever being in contact with them again was no longer a concern. Then it came out that they're going to be coming back. The school in question is fairly small, so the chance of encountering them is a big issue (not to mention we're in the same academic department). There's a big part of me that wants to continue working with them since they'll be around (even without the romantic feelings, the work I did with them was really important to me and helped me develop intellectually), but I'm worried about some things: 1) working with them again will feed into my obsessive feelings 2) they won't want to work with me since they could've been put off by my confession and previous conversations. With the latter point, I'm especially worried that a potential rejection could trigger me to attempt suicide again impulsively.
I'm at a loss of what to do in this situation. I can't exactly avoid them but the thought of not being around them is painful now that I know they'll be nearby, so I'm tempted to reach out. But I don't know what'll happen if they turn me down or if approaching them again is even a good idea. I also kind of trapped myself by saying I hoped to move on from them while now harboring a desire to continue working with them.
I'll start out with a bit of history to give context to the situation. A while back I developed feelings for someone I couldn't pursue in a university/professional setting. I am prone to obsessive "limerence" type romantic feelings, and this continued for a few years. I ended up getting into a situation where I would work with this person on a project for the past year, and working with them was like an emotional roller coaster for me. They made me intensely happy to be with them, but they also triggered some of my suicidal impulses. My intense feelings for them actually contributed to a suicide attempt once in the past. I discussed some of my experiences with suicidal ideation with them, and they provided support in the general professional way of suggesting counseling and whatnot, but it was still a fairly intimate thing to share I believe. Anyway, we continued working together, and once the end of the school year came around, they said goodbye (they had informed me that they would be leaving a few weeks prior). I decided that since I probably won't be seeing them again, I might as well just confess my romantic feelings as an explanation for why I got so attached to them in an apology email (I also included some stuff about how I was hoping to move on from them now that they'd be gone), and they replied that revealing those feelings was inappropriate in a professional setting. That was the last real conversation I had with them.
I convinced myself that since we probably weren't going to see each other again, I now had a chance to move on from them. Essentially, the possibility of ever being in contact with them again was no longer a concern. Then it came out that they're going to be coming back. The school in question is fairly small, so the chance of encountering them is a big issue (not to mention we're in the same academic department). There's a big part of me that wants to continue working with them since they'll be around (even without the romantic feelings, the work I did with them was really important to me and helped me develop intellectually), but I'm worried about some things: 1) working with them again will feed into my obsessive feelings 2) they won't want to work with me since they could've been put off by my confession and previous conversations. With the latter point, I'm especially worried that a potential rejection could trigger me to attempt suicide again impulsively.
I'm at a loss of what to do in this situation. I can't exactly avoid them but the thought of not being around them is painful now that I know they'll be nearby, so I'm tempted to reach out. But I don't know what'll happen if they turn me down or if approaching them again is even a good idea. I also kind of trapped myself by saying I hoped to move on from them while now harboring a desire to continue working with them.
