I feel the urge to get something of my chest…
So today I played the piano at church, to accompany the singing there. Now, I did not do that for a long time, because I struggled a lot with my mental health over the years.
I’ve had several psychotic episodes and that always had to do with fear. Playing music on the piano always helped me to calm down. But when I play with other people, I have this anxiety of messing up.
My memory is not the best, and I have trouble concentrating, so that doesn’t help either. But this week I decided to try to play the piano at church again, because I also like it a bit. Because well, it is part of who I am. And I thought it went pretty well, I was a bit nervous, but that went away quickly. What helped a lot, is when I thought, that it doesn’t have to be perfect.
After the church service there were some nice people, who gave me a compliments.
But there were also two people who said, “I like your piano playing, “but”. As soon as I heard that “but”, I knew these people were trying to crush my spirit again. “I like your playing, but if I can give you some “uplifting” critique, you play to loud.” And then: “You have to play softer, because your roll is to support the singing, not to overpower it”. That stings a bit to be honest… because this morning I had to face a lot of anxiety to even get me up there and play. And when people say something like that, that’s the only thing I can think of. Apparently I don’t support the people well with singing, the very thing I tried to do. I thought it was pretty disrespectful and unthankful. So I did walk away from the conversation.
Why do people have to focus on what goes wrong! really I do my best! can’t they see… It really discourages me to do what I love. Because people have certain standards they want others to have. And when it is not met, they throw it in your face. It does make me unhappy, to live in this kind of world. I just want to be able to be myself, without people trying to bring me down.
So today I played the piano at church, to accompany the singing there. Now, I did not do that for a long time, because I struggled a lot with my mental health over the years.
I’ve had several psychotic episodes and that always had to do with fear. Playing music on the piano always helped me to calm down. But when I play with other people, I have this anxiety of messing up.
My memory is not the best, and I have trouble concentrating, so that doesn’t help either. But this week I decided to try to play the piano at church again, because I also like it a bit. Because well, it is part of who I am. And I thought it went pretty well, I was a bit nervous, but that went away quickly. What helped a lot, is when I thought, that it doesn’t have to be perfect.
After the church service there were some nice people, who gave me a compliments.
But there were also two people who said, “I like your piano playing, “but”. As soon as I heard that “but”, I knew these people were trying to crush my spirit again. “I like your playing, but if I can give you some “uplifting” critique, you play to loud.” And then: “You have to play softer, because your roll is to support the singing, not to overpower it”. That stings a bit to be honest… because this morning I had to face a lot of anxiety to even get me up there and play. And when people say something like that, that’s the only thing I can think of. Apparently I don’t support the people well with singing, the very thing I tried to do. I thought it was pretty disrespectful and unthankful. So I did walk away from the conversation.
Why do people have to focus on what goes wrong! really I do my best! can’t they see… It really discourages me to do what I love. Because people have certain standards they want others to have. And when it is not met, they throw it in your face. It does make me unhappy, to live in this kind of world. I just want to be able to be myself, without people trying to bring me down.
