So I wrote soon as the title, cause really it was the only undramtic thing I can think of right now. It's not that I don't want attention, cause lets face it. We all need a bit off attention now and then to let us know we still mean something to someone. But I don't want un-needed attention you know? Just enough to keep me going.
Anyway, I kinda broke down watching skins today, its was the liek the second time today (yesterday to be precise) that I had gone into a mood (for want of a better phrase) and yet both times it was kinda the same thing that caused it. When I was watching skins it was seeing cooks dad being an arsehole cause it reminded me how much I hate mine, which brings back memories and stuffs. Then it just reminds me how I haven't got the family I had anymore. Don't get me wrong I liek the family I have now, but it still doesn't feel liek tis mine just yet.
I guess it just hurts knowing I'm not going to be civil with all my family ever again. And liek my 18th is coming up next month and the way things are going I'm not gonna see any of my family at all for it. And theres small things going on that are just indicating that I'm moving further away from them, like not being included in old traditions and stuff, Not seeing my grandma for ages.
I dunno soemtimes I just wish I had my bike and I could go for a nice long fast ride ont he costal road, just that feeling as you take the bend, knowing that in that instant, I'm still in control of my life. That at that point I could end it all, but I chose to continue. And that restores my faith in myself. Somthing which I lack.
Anyway I couldn't tell Jane, I want to but I don't want her feeling upset or that she's let me down because she hasn't, and really she pays me the attention I need to keep on going. Knowing that whatever happens, there will be someone who does notice I'm gone, the instant that I'm gone, and genuinly misses me in that instant.
However I seem to have gone on, so I shall be quiet for a bit and try to cheer up.
Anyway, I kinda broke down watching skins today, its was the liek the second time today (yesterday to be precise) that I had gone into a mood (for want of a better phrase) and yet both times it was kinda the same thing that caused it. When I was watching skins it was seeing cooks dad being an arsehole cause it reminded me how much I hate mine, which brings back memories and stuffs. Then it just reminds me how I haven't got the family I had anymore. Don't get me wrong I liek the family I have now, but it still doesn't feel liek tis mine just yet.
I guess it just hurts knowing I'm not going to be civil with all my family ever again. And liek my 18th is coming up next month and the way things are going I'm not gonna see any of my family at all for it. And theres small things going on that are just indicating that I'm moving further away from them, like not being included in old traditions and stuff, Not seeing my grandma for ages.
I dunno soemtimes I just wish I had my bike and I could go for a nice long fast ride ont he costal road, just that feeling as you take the bend, knowing that in that instant, I'm still in control of my life. That at that point I could end it all, but I chose to continue. And that restores my faith in myself. Somthing which I lack.
Anyway I couldn't tell Jane, I want to but I don't want her feeling upset or that she's let me down because she hasn't, and really she pays me the attention I need to keep on going. Knowing that whatever happens, there will be someone who does notice I'm gone, the instant that I'm gone, and genuinly misses me in that instant.
However I seem to have gone on, so I shall be quiet for a bit and try to cheer up.