Sooooo Frustrated Today!

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by NeverM1nd, Oct 8, 2016.

  1. NeverM1nd

    NeverM1nd Active Member

    OK, so I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Basically, life sucks by my standards. I am on the verge of a gallbladder surgery, may also have a bum kidney, have kidney stones, 2 kids, no fathers (not even my own), pretty much no support on the day to day basis, plenty of people who hate me and want to see me fail, perfectionism that prevents my success, anxiety, depression, possibly bipolar, etc.

    Today, my sis wanted to take my kids to the farm. She often requests that I come along to outings (which are typically only every few months) but I typically say no. I told her I'd think about it, and actually wanted to go apple picking as I heard apples help with gallbladder issues, and even wanted to be in nature a bit so I was gonna go....

    She texts saying it's gonna be rainy (and it is) then calls and asks if I want to do something else. What?! No. Sorry if I sound like a sour puss but I have crippling social anxiety that pretty much keeps me in the house at this point It has only gotten so bad bc when I was going thru post partum psychosis (with both kids) I was left for months and months without anyone ever asking if I was OK. I ended up having an emergency mental health team dispatched to my home after calling the suicide hotline...and THAT'S how I got help. Needless to say, I hold a lot of resentment to my so-called loved ones. I could be dead and they'd only swear they never saw the signs, knowing they simply chose to ignore them.

    ANYhow...this sister, in particular, is super religious and seems to think she can just pray everything away. I tried reaching about about my mental health issues and she basically said I was making it all up and told me to just get a job (I was out of work at the time and my mom had been helping me) and move on with my life...right...but since she has no kids, everyone thinks she's the angel on the bunch..I clearly beg to differ.

    So, I hardly want to do anything with her anyhow. But skyzone?! You really think I want to come sit with you and listen to a bunch of kids run around when I was prepared for a cool day at the farm?! No. Not at all. So as much as I tried to be calm and cordial, I ended up telling her about my gallbladder and depression and saying yeah, it's fun for you bc you do what you want. My entire life since I was 17 has been driven by the fact that I had a kid and my family MADE SURE I suffered as much as possible by only watching him for dire things. I just get tired of feeling attacked. I will NEVER be "normal" and I'm tired of having to pretend bc others refuse to even try to understand. I had just said I was trying to be more positive. I am disappointed in myself...but I can't change the fact that I'm miserable and really just want time alone. :(

    Sorry this is so long....
     
  2. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Hello Never, I am Mox

    First and foremost *hug, you are having a very bad day. Thank you for joining us and sharing your story with us, I know that is not an easy thing to do. If you get bored you can read my story below in green. Just know you are not alone in pain and suffering. Just know that when you are here, you are safe. No one will judge you. No one will ridicule you. That behavior is not tolerated here.

    Ok, my new friend you have a lot of issues that are in your story. I am going to try and separate them , and handle each issue separately. Promise me, that if I get anything wrong, you will correct me. I want to help you, and your situation. I can't do that well if I am wrong. I promise to not get mad at you. I am the most patient person you have ever met. I tend to ask a lot of questions, I am not trying to belittle you or anything. I am just trying to get a better understanding of your situation. You and your situation are important to me.

    First and foremost, tell me all about your kids. Are their fathers involved in their lives at all?

    Secondly , you have a host of physical ailments. Gallbladder surgery, not fun. When are you going through surgery? When you have your surgery, who will watch your children? What's going on with your kidney? Can it be treated with medication or surgery , what's the outlook for this condition? Dumb question but is your kidney stones, related to your kidney condition?

    Thirdly, you have a host of mental issues. Seems like some of them are diagnosed, and some of them are just suspected. Are you seeing any mental health professionals for these conditions? Are you any kind of medication to help you deal with your mental illnesses?

    Fourth: What is your living situation?

    Fifth: Do you have any kind of support network, you can lean on? Do you have any friends/boyfriends/family members?

    Your sister , and you clash a lot. You sound like you love her, but she doesn't understand your mental health issues. Which makes it hard for you to lean on her, trust her.

    You mention your mom helping you, sounds like you have a good relationship with her.

    There seems to be a lot of people that are not mentioned by name, but they seem toxic to you.

    Sixth:
    Why were/are they so cruel to you?

    What is "normal" to you? Why do you think you will never be "normal"?

    About What?

    Nothing wrong with that, it is sometimes healthy for us to separate from people and refocus ourselves.

    Hush, that talk. I actually wish it was longer. When you are here, you are safe. Rant/Rave all you want, it's what we are here for. =)

    I wish you the best my new friend.

    Feel free to IM/PM me anytime, I love getting mail and I love chatting. =)

    Be kind to yourself, you have made some mistakes that is ok. It is how you handle the mistakes that matters.

    Take Care
     
    NeverM1nd likes this.
  3. NeverM1nd

    NeverM1nd Active Member

    Thanks for taking the time to respond @moxman! OK, I'm going to respond to everything using number so it's easier.

    1. Despite being married to my mom, my father was absent pretty much my whole life and died a couple of years ago due to his alcohol addiction. I am the only 1 who had no relationship with him since I'm the youngest, and I feel I have spent my whole life trying to replace him to no avail. My oldest son I had in high school, his father has never done anything including admitting this is his child in public. He basically called me a whore, ruined my reputation, and left me struggling to get out of school while he dropped out and got a head start on losing. My youngest...a guy I thought I could trust. He had kids with a woman who he then married 1 1/2 into our relationship. At this point I was dependent and couldn't completely cut ties. He had joined the army before getting me pregnant (pretty sure on purpose) and left with his wife and kids. Finally admitted the truth and used me as the scapegoat. I got harassed by the wife for years and he has not done anything but make empty promises since. I believe his plan was to have 2 families and he's mad because I figured it out and decided I didn't want any parts. She actually seemed OK with it given that she seemed to want to argue and chat with me all the time. It seems they have taken to using outside sources to rekindle their bogus love life as neither of them seems happy in the marriage. I hate all of these men and it plagues me daily.

    2. I have surgery scheduled for about a month from now. I believe my mother will just have to come stay with me for a few days as I need supervision for at least 24/48 hours, she doesn't drive, and that's the easiest way to let me rest and get the kids to school. She is pretty much the only person I can count on to help me with anything. I honestly don't know what's going on with the kidney besides it KEEPS having stupid kidney stones and the function is less than 100%. Nobody can give me answers and I just think it caused by stress as they first developed when I was broke, getting harassed, and at my lowest point ever. I'd guess it's all related, and possibly related to my history with UTI's but honestly, I haven't been getting very many answers thus far. They don't seem to know...

    3. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety...I saw the psychiatrist once who said she suspected bipolarism, but I am not prepared to take that one on just yet. I honestly hate the idea of meds for mental health as much as I hate the idea of taking pills to regulate my physical health. I understand that it may do some good, but I've also googled the side effects and I'm not convinced that the rewards outweigh to potential penalties. I do have a therapist that I see twice monthly. She does help me some.

    4. I live in an apartment building. Rent controlled, decent people, not that bad overall. I am self employed and have been lucky enough to find ways to sustain myself thus far.

    5. Besides my mother, I have no one...and even she can only help financially and with some physical things. She has never been there for me emotionally and I typically don't even call her when I am in crisis bc she typically finds a way to guilt me rather than help. I have NO friends. I tried so many times and they all turn on me at some point and usually try to make me look bad after I've done nothing but try to help them improve their lives. This has happened over and over. Men...I do not trust anymore. I kept trying to do the relationship thing (although I am a suspected Aspie and definitely have issues with conventional relationships) the men I've come across have been less than honest and I've gotten tired of continuously being misled. I haven't dated or even thought about it for at least 6 months or more.

    6. My sister doesn't understand me and doesn't want to. I wish we could get along but it just angers me that she totally disregards my past, my issues, and everything I've had to overcome especially the fact that the lack of support from her and my other sister helped ruin my life as well. It's just frustrating for someone to constantly undermine your issues bc they've pretty much had it easy. She is the 1 sister that talked to my dad the most and even refused to give me his contact info before he died so I could speak my peace bc she felt HE had suffered enough. I'm getting angry just typing this...

    7. Like I said, My mom is OK...fairly dependable, but also a large reason why I turned out so messed up. She forced religion and other things on me that never fit with my personality. All she did was confuse me and shake my confidence. I was treated like a black sheep and left in the house most of the time. She worked everyday (except weekends) and had a social life, my sisters worked, but I was not allowed. I was not allowed to have boyfriends, she'd even flip it I had a boy over. I was literally never prepared to live on my own then ridiculed and verbally abused for not being prepared for the real world.

    8. My past follows me. I was always considered odd, eccentric, etc. and was pretty much treated like a pet, anomaly, alien, etc. I was often subject to mass embarrassment, teasing, etc. NONE of these people have ever apologized for it...but they show up on my pages just to try to pretend they are ignoring me, steal my ideas, undermine my very existence. I have deleted so many people over the years, I essentially don't have any ties to my own childhood...and don't want them.

    9. I do not know why my family has been so cruel to me, I really don't. You'd THINK a child who goes thru all of that and still manages to get her diploma as well as a couple of degrees would be commended. Instead, they seem to want to make sure I "PAY" for what I did...despite the fact that the father clearly never will and my other sister had a baby at just 2 years older than I was when I had mine and wasn't married either... No, SHE got passes and sitters, and vacations, and support. I got "YOU NEVER SHOULD'VE HAD KIDS!!"

    10. In terms of normality...I just mean I will never fit in with others. I can't just up and go places with lots of people, or drive without having panic attacks, or not be jumpy, or not be anxious, or be happy for just waking up, or pretend to be happy when I'm not, or work a regular 9-5 job, or easily get over things that disrupt my life, or forgive people, or be religion, or super positive, or not overly analytical, or stop being too complex. etc. I'm an odd duck...which I love...but I have found VERY few who can relate to me and it's lonely and miserable.

    11. I am disappointed in myself for many things. Mostly, having 2 kids and still not being in a position to give them the things they deserve and letting people get to me and deter me from my dreams. All I EVER wanted to do was music. I can't even get on a stage w/o having a panic attack at this point. I let these people ruin me. It's truly a disgrace.

    12. I LOVE being alone but hardly get to be these days. I hate that my family acts like they don't get this. My mom has done whatever she wants since before I was born. She would just leave me or us and we'd be fine. I can't do that with my 2 boys. I have never had a real vacation away from my kids. My mother and sister go out of town all the time. They even went to Jamaica a week or 2 after my bday. Think I got an invite?

    13. Thanks again for your well thought out response. I just may message you soon as I honestly don't have many people I can vent to in the manner.
     
  4. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    I have read your reply. I can't give your reply the proper attention right now. I have to go pick up my daughter from school. I will have her from 3-6 , I will respond to it more detail tonight.

    *hug, you have been through a lot. You can always vent to me in PMs, if it is something you want to talk about in privacy.

    Take Care My New Friend
     
    NeverM1nd likes this.
  5. NeverM1nd

    NeverM1nd Active Member

    Understood and much appreciated @moxman I look forward to your reply. I am actually doing some orders and hanging with the kids myself. I'll check back in later to see if you have had time.

    You take care as well! ;)
     
  6. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Hey I am not feeling well, and I am going to call it a night. If I don't respond by tomorrow, just send me a friendly reminder.

    What kind of orders are you doing?

    Take Care
     
    NeverM1nd likes this.
  7. NeverM1nd

    NeverM1nd Active Member

    No worries! I do remote work for a few companies. Mostly typing. Nothing too complex. Feel better!