sorry about the wall of text, but i would like some insight please

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fruittree, May 19, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. fruittree

    fruittree New Member

    This if my first attempt to talk about my suicidal thoughts, i would appreciate some insight on my view of things.

    Im currently 26 still in college, i have close friends, we've been friends since 6, i have a loving supportive family yet i can't talk about this stuff with them. Compared with the story's i've read on this forums i should have reasons to end my life but still i feel like a corpse with no soul no purpose in life just crawling the Earth. I dont feel like im depressed, its more like apathy than depression
    I feel like no one knows me no even me, people around just got used to a person and i react and act like i think its expected of this character, its weird.

    i have not been in love since i cant even remember, though i date and i go out alot it seems like people are shallow and uninteresting even my current friends i consider to be like this but since i know them for 20 years i grew accustomed to that fact, its like people only care about what goes around them day to day basis. Even when im out "partying" i cant shut down my thinking progress and I end end up not having fun at all while i try to rationalize everything.

    Im the oldest brother and being the oldest and smartest(purely based on grades as kids) i feel like an incredible pressure to succeed and watch over them. I always feel their failures as my failures and pressure from my parents even thought they don't pressure me, its all me , and my natural thinking process, i put that pressure on my self.

    Im falling college. due to my lack of interest in everything in general. and i kept it form my parents, i feel like im just wasting their money and the thought of they finding out just kills what's left inside me.

    Since i left highschool i felt like suicide was the plan B if i couldnt find a plan A, and since then i tried to make plans for the future and still years later i have no clue what i would like to do or be, and as the time passes and i grow older i see the window of opportunity's shutting down and it drives me closer to the edge. I dont see my self getting a job or getting married or having kids. I feel like i will be letting everyone down and end up a failure and embarrassment to my family.

    Last week i started to think about it as a sure thing but then as i visualize what my family especially my mom would suffer i started crying and got mad about it. After killing my self i wouldn't be here to witness their pain and grief, how can i be so self imposing on my self not being able to decide by myself if i want to live or not, just thinking about on what could happen afterwards. Just the thought of my mom crying finding my lifeless body makes me unable to do it at least in the normal way. i started to think about making it seem like an accident by drowning or just take an airplane and do it somewhere else.

    I read a lot on the matter and i understand the importance to focus on the positive, and that things will get better or have faith in guidance of higher being as im not religious. But that doesn't do it for me, i find no attachment to this world besides the possible grief of my parents and leaving my brother and what that would that do to them. Am I suppose to walk around lifeless just for their sake?

    Sorry about the wall of text its hard for me to put what's on my mind into words. I would like to hear about people that feel like i do since its my first try to talk it out and im used to solve my problems alone but i cant solve this one alone. I would like to hear how you guys cope with your feelings and still manage to live on.
  2. crossroads

    crossroads Member

    It sounds like you are very lonely even though there are people around you. That is withdrawal, maybe? And it sounds like you are really overwhelmed and under a lot of pressure, some of it internal, some external. You are going through the motions of what you think you should be doing, putting one foot in front of the other? But not feeling any joy, not seeing through the veil in front of you, not able to form a plan, not seeing any goals worth pursuing. You call that apathy but maybe that is clinical depression. Of course I'm no shrink but I have had depression for years and your symptoms ring true to me as I was hit by it full blown when I was a teenager, even though I had some symptoms as a young child. Regardless of the label, this does not sound like something you can think through. You sound pretty smart so if that was possible you likely would have done it by now. Does anyone know about this, any friend, any family?
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.