Still remembering

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by mpang123, Jan 26, 2014.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I cry everytime I bring up the subject of my suicide attempt that's almost 2 yrs ago. People think I still have some raw feelings from it but I can't seem to find an opportunity to really process the pain and mental suffering that is left from the incident. I try to stuff my feelings and pretend nothing happened because people feel uncomfortable when I talk about it. Even though my therapists may be available, I hold my thoughts and feelings back because I really don't want to lose control of myself and break down to the point where I might be hospitalized again. I'm trying to be strong but these horrible flashbacks I have is impeding me from recovery. I sometimes do wish I could go back to the hospital, but too much is at risk. I need to carry on with my life and I have things to do that makes me motivated to go on. Maybe that's a good thing but I just have to pay bills, clean my apt. and miscellaneous stuff that are the only reasons why I don't want to go to the hospital. Silly as it seems, but that's the only reason why I'm still here and not in the hospital. Don't even know why I posted this. It just seems so trivial. Everybody else seems to have more legitimate reasons for suffering and here I am feeling insignificant. Anyways, I'll try to take care of myself. That's all I can do, right?
     
  2. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I know I have to relinquish the past but I can't seem to let it go. What's wrong with me? Does anybody else have this trouble? I feel so guilty about it. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just stuck.
     
  3. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    yes, whatever you can do to take care of yourself, do it. call a friend, read a book, take a bath, take yourself to dinner at a place you like...and i to do what you do, minimize my pain as not legitimate . i'm always comparing my depression to abused children, or those poor people being slaughtered in Syria. my therapist always challenges me on this. your pain is your pain. denying it just makes it that much powerful.

    is there anyone you can talk to out there? anyone you trust. i know how you feel. i tried suicide a couple of times a while ago and have been hospitalized twice in the last 2 years. i try to talk to people but they try to give me inane suggestions, or just look at me with such pity i stopped talking about it. i can only really talk about it on here or on my private facebook page and even there i'm not really honest about suicidal thoughts.

    and i know the inane everyday life, living like a zombie to get to work, grab dinner, clean [i usually avoid that one], read til i sleep. and everybody says "go have some fun! go dancing!! go to a movie!!" they don't get it. my job is probably in jeopardy since i'm on short term disability for the second time in 2 years. and i am afraid. afraid i won't be able to function at all, lose my apartment, my friends [they're all leaving pretty much now anyway], my money and be homeless on the street. but another part of me doesn't care. i'm so tired.

    you're not alone. if you ever feel in danger, of suicide, call the suicide hotline or get a crisis team to come to you place. you may not have to go back to the hospital. i'm giving you suggestions probably so i can hear them too. but truly i do care, and i do understand. hope this makes sense, because i'm having real trouble with my balance and my thoughts right now. :sick:
     
  4. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    oh, and i am stuck too. it's scary as hell. i just started trying to do 5 min of exercise in bed to get moving. trying to cook. trying to make or receive phone calls. i used to be so healthy and strong [physically] and vivacious. now i'm like a geriatric version of myself. i don't know how to get unstuck and there doesn't seem to be much profession help here, yes HERE in NYC the supposed mecca of everything. because nobody takes my insurance for mental health. so i've kinda given up,
     
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    O, AnnieK, I'm so sorry you're struggling too. Thank you for responding though. I'm not suicidal nor have a plan, so I don't think I qualify to go to the hospital. Just depressed, anxious and guilty for not letting go of the past. It was just the most traumatic and terrifying incident that I've ever had. It haunts me everyday but at the same I'm entertaining the memories which leaves me confused and guilty as hell. I try to stay distracted as much as I can. I read books, take walks, smoke a lot, watch TV, listen to music, and check postings here. At least I go to group therapy almost every weekday to have something to do and somewhere to go. I need to make the best out of it, but it seems like nothing is ever enough to get rid of my past. I live in the past. Just waiting for my memories to away one day and forever be gone. At least I don't think I'm alone and I have the support of this forum to get by. Thank you again for your response. I hope we will recover gracefully. Boy do I sound trite.
     
  6. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    "I don't think she'll make it". That's what the cops told my manager when the EMS came and got me. Then why the hell am I still living? To be reminded of the past day after day? Tormenting me? I guess life just isn't fair.
     
  7. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    sometimes i live in the past. and i know my 2 suicide attempts when i was younger tormented me for years. years. and now sometimes i am tormented by my childhood or times when i was happy. and i just get sad wondering if i'll ever feel happy again. do you have a regular therapist or group that might help in processing this trauma? i'm going to look this week for a trauma therapist. don't know what they do, but somethin's gotta give.
     
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