I cry everytime I bring up the subject of my suicide attempt that's almost 2 yrs ago. People think I still have some raw feelings from it but I can't seem to find an opportunity to really process the pain and mental suffering that is left from the incident. I try to stuff my feelings and pretend nothing happened because people feel uncomfortable when I talk about it. Even though my therapists may be available, I hold my thoughts and feelings back because I really don't want to lose control of myself and break down to the point where I might be hospitalized again. I'm trying to be strong but these horrible flashbacks I have is impeding me from recovery. I sometimes do wish I could go back to the hospital, but too much is at risk. I need to carry on with my life and I have things to do that makes me motivated to go on. Maybe that's a good thing but I just have to pay bills, clean my apt. and miscellaneous stuff that are the only reasons why I don't want to go to the hospital. Silly as it seems, but that's the only reason why I'm still here and not in the hospital. Don't even know why I posted this. It just seems so trivial. Everybody else seems to have more legitimate reasons for suffering and here I am feeling insignificant. Anyways, I'll try to take care of myself. That's all I can do, right?