Struggle with checking things - not OCD

[Mercedesgirl]

A bit of history first...

My marriage of 14 years ended many many years ago after my husband cheated on me and had been emotionally/physically abusive. I then found out that basically the whole marriage had been a sham for all those years. Anyways, got myself out and started to work on myself to heal the emotional scars. It was only recently when I started to question my emotional behaviour over the last few years and why I question and check things I'm told (this in particular with regards to close relationships, not family). I think I have subconsciously made myself check what people tell me at nearly every moment to make sure I don't get lied to again, which I know is totally understandable. I know it is good to make sure things are going ok in any relationship, but this makes me anxious, crave the reassurance from others and probably comes across as needy to the other person. I've also found that people get frustrated with me having told me sometimes numerous times that things are ok and will be.

I would appreciate any thoughts on how to turn this back to not having to check all the time and to be able to relax and enjoy relationships. It's draining and keeps my anxieties heightened all the time, thanks

 

[may71]

It sounds like you were traumatized by your last relationship and that's leaving you with a lot of anxiety now.

In addition to the conventional meds-and-therapy approach, or trying traditional Chinese medicine, a meditation practice might be really helpful for you.

The value of a meditation practice is partly the experience of the meditation itself, but a more profound effect is that, over time, you can actually learn how to relax in stressful situations.

I think there are a couple websites that offer guided meditations (insight timer and headspace are two names I've heard of). There are lots of meditation practices out there though, the important thing is to find one that you like and that you can stick to.

 

[BarryW]

When you say that you check things you are told, what do you mean exactly? What sort of things do you check and how do you check them?

 

[Mercedesgirl]

When you say that you check things you are told, what do you mean exactly? What sort of things do you check and how do you check them?

I will ask questions about what they say, if they say they are going to be late because of bad traffic, I will check the traffic in that area or there's a problem because of the weather, so I'll check the weather. When they go somewhere, I'll ask about things in that area, to check that they've been there. If they say they will call over the weekend, I want to know when and find it hard to just say ok, talk soon, I seem to have to always ask something to get the reassurance and clarification. If I haven't heard from them in a couple of days, I think they've forgotten about me or don't want to be with me.

As I type, I can see and feel how obsessive this behaviour is, that's why I want to be able to accept what they say, not question every single thing and not get anxious if I don't check.

I do keep myself busy and do things for myself, I'm not totally dependant on them but these things are causing an issue for me, thanks

 

[BarryW]

Thanks for explaining that.

It sounds like you have recognized that you have a problem (in your own eyes), which is the first step towards fixing it. It's hard to say what would work best for you, since I don't know you "in person", so here are some thoughts.

When you find yourself distrusting a statement from someone, ask yourself: what is the impact of this if they are lying to me? For example, if they say "I went to California for vacation 3 years ago." Maybe they did and maybe they didn't. Does it really matter? In most cases, probably not. If it doesn't matter, save your energy and time for when it really does.

Some people are very organized with their schedule, while others are not. It may take time for you to accept that some folks are going to be vague with their plans with you (such as what time to chat on the weekend). That could be just their personality or style and nothing to do with you.

For checking the weather or traffic, you could make it harder to check them. For instance, if you have a phone app, or bookmarked website you use, you could delete those apps/links. This would make it take longer.. a little bit anyway.. to check these things, which might deter you from checking on impulse.

 

[Mercedesgirl]

I will try to step out of my comfort zone and not double check what they say, it will be hard but on the odd occassion I've not checked, it feels ok for a while at least then the negative mind steps in! It's just taking that step , my mind always says I should check and convinces me that something isn't right . I know the mind will always reinforce negative thoughts/emotions, its breaking that pattern. I want to feel/think differently but I want to do it all now, I need to remember that any journey takes time and effort and doesn't start until you take the first step. If I don't do that, I will stay where I am.

Talking it through on here really helps and knowing you guys are there too, thanks SF

 

[SamB]

It seems there is a trust issue, that probably stems from your marriage.
Often if you have experienced deceit in the past you become nervous of experiencing it again, but also it can be about the fact that you believed in those things. Rational or not it’s often the case that you blame yourself for other peoples deception - ‘if only I had checked xyz I could have found out what they were doing’. So now you always want to check partly because of your fear of being deceived partly because you don’t want to be ‘naive’.
We are all aware that people lie and we all tend to use a certain amount of caution, analysing (mostly subconsciously) language, tone and body language to detect these lies and also fact checking things where we can.
It becomes a problem when it is too much for you or the other person, as it seems to be for you now.
I think probably your experiences with the past have effected this process for you, you are now not starting from a neutral place in analysing and you have also lost trust in your own detection skills.
Obviously, it would be best if you could reset back and learn to trust yourself and other people, but that is a long term thing to work on. In the short term you can try and keep things in check my thinking about why you need to check before you do. What are the consequences if the person is lying, why do I think they might be lying, have they lied to me before, have I been able to verify that they tell the truth before, what are the consequences of me doing the checking to the relationship, am I acting rationally and proportionately.

 

[MrMojonski]

I will ask questions about what they say, if they say they are going to be late because of bad traffic, I will check the traffic in that area or there's a problem because of the weather, so I'll check the weather. When they go somewhere, I'll ask about things in that area, to check that they've been there. If they say they will call over the weekend, I want to know when and find it hard to just say ok, talk soon, I seem to have to always ask something to get the reassurance and clarification. If I haven't heard from them in a couple of days, I think they've forgotten about me or don't want to be with me.

As I type, I can see and feel how obsessive this behaviour is, that's why I want to be able to accept what they say, not question every single thing and not get anxious if I don't check.

I do keep myself busy and do things for myself, I'm not totally dependant on them but these things are causing an issue for me, thanks

I don’t think it’s obsessive. It’s about trust based on your experience. Have you talked to the people about your reasons for being like this as if they have context it will help them understand. There is no timescale for this but it is about earning that trust and all understandable.

 

[BarryW]

You mention that you keep yourself busy. Maybe you could try new activities or adjusting current activities, so that it's impossible to check things for a while. If you need to run simple errands like the grocery store, maybe you leave your phone at home. Then at least while you are busy with that task you have 0% chance to check weather or traffic history for some other location.

Same if you go to a gym or walk the dog in a park.. as long as it's not a safety issue for you without a phone.. leave it at home. If your thoughts try to go to 'check' mode, you can quickly reverse direction because it's out of your hands for the time being. This could help train your brain with new pathways. Then even if you have these thoughts when your phone is around, you might be able to switch to the no checking mindset.

Changing the way we think is hard, but it is possible.

 

[Mercedesgirl]

It seems there is a trust issue, that probably stems from your marriage.
Often if you have experienced deceit in the past you become nervous of experiencing it again, but also it can be about the fact that you believed in those things. Rational or not it’s often the case that you blame yourself for other peoples deception - ‘if only I had checked xyz I could have found out what they were doing’. So now you always want to check partly because of your fear of being deceived partly because you don’t want to be ‘naive’.
We are all aware that people lie and we all tend to use a certain amount of caution, analysing (mostly subconsciously) language, tone and body language to detect these lies and also fact checking things where we can.
It becomes a problem when it is too much for you or the other person, as it seems to be for you now.
I think probably your experiences with the past have effected this process for you, you are now not starting from a neutral place in analysing and you have also lost trust in your own detection skills.
Obviously, it would be best if you could reset back and learn to trust yourself and other people, but that is a long term thing to work on. In the short term you can try and keep things in check my thinking about why you need to check before you do. What are the consequences if the person is lying, why do I think they might be lying, have they lied to me before, have I been able to verify that they tell the truth before, what are the consequences of me doing the checking to the relationship, am I acting rationally and proportionately.

I think like you say my anxieties are starting higher than normal each time, so the slightest thing makes me worry and feed off that worry. I think that maybe being really firm and not checking these things and stickling to it however uncomfortable it is, will be a start. I have to do this

 

[Mercedesgirl]

I don’t think it’s obsessive. It’s about trust based on your experience. Have you talked to the people about your reasons for being like this as if they have context it will help them understand. There is no timescale for this but it is about earning that trust and all understandable.

I haven't said to them that this is an issue for me but it maybe a conversation that I need to have and hopefully they will understand

 

[Mercedesgirl]

You mention that you keep yourself busy. Maybe you could try new activities or adjusting current activities, so that it's impossible to check things for a while. If you need to run simple errands like the grocery store, maybe you leave your phone at home. Then at least while you are busy with that task you have 0% chance to check weather or traffic history for some other location.

Same if you go to a gym or walk the dog in a park.. as long as it's not a safety issue for you without a phone.. leave it at home. If your thoughts try to go to 'check' mode, you can quickly reverse direction because it's out of your hands for the time being. This could help train your brain with new pathways. Then even if you have these thoughts when your phone is around, you might be able to switch to the no checking mindset.

Changing the way we think is hard, but it is possible.

I think that is right, I have to re train my brain. I have obviously done this over the years to protect myself, so I need to re train it to accept what people say (within reason) and to be content with that.

Just as a note, think I said this, I don't do this with anyone else apart from anyone who I get close to as this is the time that I feel I could get hurt emotionally. This just proves that I can do it, I just need to train my brain that its ok, in this situation too.

 

[MisterBGone]

It also kind of comes down to trust, @Mercedesgirl ~& sorry for what you've been through, and all that you've suffered recently & as of late. And now how that has sort of spilled over and affected other areas of your life & in unwanted ways from a behavior-oriented perspective. What I would try to do, and not saying that it would be easy. Is to wipe my mind clean. And give every body new that comes in to my life, a "blank slate." Then, from there, judge them only by what they say & do, etc. Or by their actions and how they treat you, make you feel etc. Then at some point, end of the day, an opinion is sort of going to be formed, where you say, "I do or I don't trust this person." (Or I only trust them so, or this, much... etc)! And then just kind of let their behavior dictate things, instead of - or opposed to trying to control it, or shape things, the outcomes because this is all very unnatural, and can be controlling in a way. Not really overly greatly helpful or healthy to either one of you. And then also maybe it might help if you ask your self this: how would you feel if they did the same to you? Even regardless of whether or not they have a perfectly reasoned and good sound logical argument or explanation as to why they were doing things this way. Being so hyper-skeptical of all you do. Would that not make you in addition to, somehow more or only willing to some extent, censor yourself with them? In order to prevent this sort of , "cross-examination?" as it were. . . I'm just guessing here as I'm rambling so hopefully you don't take too much offense, for I know I've not spent much time or territory in that which I believe others and yourself already have earlier or previously in this thread. Lastly, if you have not explored professional help in some manner, that may be another avenue for you to pursue or find in the hopes of stumbling on/or discovering success, in terms of what works right & best for you! Good luck, and I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this, and are now understandably so - gunshy - in a way, with new close & personal relationships. I'd probably / likely never trust again, either ... but then, what would that ultimately win me/ Or would I achieve, rather!

 

[Angie]

Well done on being self aware!

Knowing our behaviors and then knowing why we do them is the best first step to change.

Well done!

 

[Mercedesgirl]

Thanks guys for all your thoughts, means a lot.

I am trying to not check things and work through the anxiety that causes me. It's hard but I have to break the cycle, I'm scared to take that step of not checking. I also try to tell myself that it will take time and not to expect things to change over night (I'm very impatient).

I want to change this as its draining and affecting my daily life.

 

[BarryW]

If you want to get extreme, there are places that sell essentially a see-through plastic bin with a timer lock on it. You put something in it that you want to not use for an hour for example, set the timer for an hour, and now it's locked. You cannot get it out before the timer runs out, unless you smash the entire container to pieces, which I've heard is not impossible, but still would be an additional deterrent. Before smashing it (even if you were strong enough), you would have to consider that you would have to buy a new one.. clean up the mess.. you might damage the item inside.. and so on. I have not personally tested these items but it seem like it could be highly effective.

You know yourself best.. if you think this sort of thing would make your symptoms worse, don't try it.

 

[Mercedesgirl]

I'm intrigued @BarryW

 

[MisterBGone]

I want to change this as its draining and affecting my daily life.

This is one of the reasons why some will choose to go the medication route. Not saying it will work for you. And all just depending on your history with it, or not. In other words if you have tried, but either were not completely med compliant - or it is very far in the rear view (since then) - then it is something with which may be worth discussing with your dr. Especially in regards, or due anxiety. That said, there are any numerous reasons why someone would choose or elect not to go this route, or path, as those are, or can be rather, some rather "powerful," medications... once again: sometimes a weighing of; 'risk vs. reward.' This all of course, coming from someone who has not been medicated, effectively, in many many many years! ;D So just keep that in mind (as well). Good luck, I know it's got to be very very hard on you @Mercedesgirl ~

 

[MisterBGone]

And also not meaning, or intending to suggest... that you've got to disclose anything in regards your medication history, or willingness to / or not (to) take or go this direction, or way! : )

 

[BarryW]

If you search for 'bin lock timer' or 'time lock box', you can find places that sell them. I hope you'll forgive me for not giving a link. The site rules about links were changed in the last few months and I am fuzzy on the new rule. So to be safe, but still helpful, here are a couple images to make sure you see what I was talking about. They are often sold as items to lock your phone in, or a game controller, or "dangerous" snacks like cookies . If you try it out, please let me know how it works for you!