Honestly, I'm feeling burnt out, overwhelmed, and in ways disconnecting. There is a lot of things contributing right now, but one weighs heavier than the others. Back in January of this year, I lost my father. To give some quick context, I've been living with my parents for financial reasons after my ex and I broke up. And while my parents were separated, they lived in the same house but separate rooms. After being sick for the second time during the pandemic with covid-like symptoms, he took a rather quick decline. By the time he actually sought out his doctor for an appointment, it was too late. During the night, he had a heart attack and passed away. After finding out he missed his appointment that morning, I had gone to check on him and found him cold. It was my worst fear happening. To this day, I can't shake that image. All my dreams relating to my father was seeing him somewhere in public. Most of them involved him returning home and questioning why his stuff was being discarded. It was always as if he was never dead, just absent. I've had moments where I question my reality, thinking that this is all just some messed up ideology in my head. Thinking that I'll hear his walking around or something. Nothing but silence. After I would follow it up with reminders of the funeral and what not. It's as if half of me is still in denial. He would have been 74 in March. Since his passing, I feared passing his bedroom in fear that I would see something paranormal. His passing definitely did have me thinking more about the state of living and death. That transition has been rather hard to think about. In addition to all of this, it's hard to see tv/movie deaths without thinking about it. Even hearing about other people and their loss has been a reminder. For the most part, I feel like I've been trying to bury my mind with other stuff. With everything going on in my life, I am just feeling partially disconnecting and also weighed down with my emotions. I know the fear of dying has kept me from actually attempting suicide, but now it feels like my death could inevitably happen at any moment. That doesn't do well for my anxiety disorder, which has only amplified that fear.
I have a support dog now. His name is Tyler. He was initially mine when I bought him from his original owners. I was living with my ex at the time. As a result of her unstable emotions, she did something very bad to him (which by her words involved resuscitation). I ended up giving him to my father to keep him safe. The two had a good life together, and as troubled as I was of losing ownership of him, I was glad my father had a companion to go on trails and kayaking with. After my father passed away, I took Tyler back into my ownership. I was grateful to have him back, though I wished it was under a different circumstance. I feel like Tyler has just added another reason for me to hang on to life. I'll likely make post on this in more detail later and in a different category. My last dream I had was that my father came home and I was forced to give up ownership of Tyler. The dream faded, leaving me feeling like I just lost something precious. Though I don't remember fully, I may have went over and cuddled him after I awoke. Ugh, I'm just emotionally exhausted...
I have a support dog now. His name is Tyler. He was initially mine when I bought him from his original owners. I was living with my ex at the time. As a result of her unstable emotions, she did something very bad to him (which by her words involved resuscitation). I ended up giving him to my father to keep him safe. The two had a good life together, and as troubled as I was of losing ownership of him, I was glad my father had a companion to go on trails and kayaking with. After my father passed away, I took Tyler back into my ownership. I was grateful to have him back, though I wished it was under a different circumstance. I feel like Tyler has just added another reason for me to hang on to life. I'll likely make post on this in more detail later and in a different category. My last dream I had was that my father came home and I was forced to give up ownership of Tyler. The dream faded, leaving me feeling like I just lost something precious. Though I don't remember fully, I may have went over and cuddled him after I awoke. Ugh, I'm just emotionally exhausted...
