Hi xtest55. I am glad you found this community. And I am very sorry you are grappling with depression. This is a great community. you can be honest here. And people mostly will really hear you. And understand the depth of pain that depression brings.
I will say one thing I have noticed about depression. When the mind is depressed it cannot think so clearly. Often I think I am a horrible person. I think I do everything wrong. I write this to you because you wrote "I play all of my mistakes over and over in my mind. All the bad decisions." I have noticed that it is often the nature of depression ( amongst other conditions) for the mind to replay what it see as the mistakes. While not being able to recognize the positive things we are, do etc. I am not saying this is the case for you. But it is common. And it is the case for me. I offer no great antidote. I think I might be a wealthy woman if I knew of a great antidote. Wealthy and healthy
Are you in counselling and on medication?
I believe people, on one level, when they tell me i am far more than the depression. But it is hard to believe this on deeper levels. I do like posting here. Can say what I feel ( especially in the members diary). What a huge gift. And it is a community here. People who understand the pain. People who live similar pain. I hope you will post whenever you need to.