Practical Advice Subconsciously preparing for my own death?

[TiaTime]

Hello!
I'm writing here because I've recently been presented with a 'situation' of sorts and I was wondering if I should be worried about my health?

(Trigger warnings; self harm & suicide)

You see, I've been depressed for nearly 11 years, and am diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I've also practiced self-harm on-off for 9+ years, my record for staying 'clean' in that time being roughly 7 months at a time.

I have been in recovery for a while now, and even started a new program last month that makes me leave the house (something I wouldn't have even dreamt of a few months back) and I even made some friends!!! Life really is looking up!
However, I've also gotten increasingly depressed/suicidal as I've gotten better, until last week where I came very close to taking my own life, but decided to go to bed instead after getting drunk.

After that night, the next morning I woke up and for whatever reason I felt full of energy, excitement and with a very vivid hunger for life.
I had a newfound fire in me, but I couldn't quite place where it came from. I spent a couple days working on my beloved hobbies I haven't had the energy to do in months, I spent a lot of quality time with my family and friends, and I occasionally just stop to admire the world around me just to take in all of its beauty.
And my week has been great because of that. I haven't felt sad at all nor hated myself too much. I'm generally just very content, happy even!
This all seemed fine to me, and I thought I was getting better until yesterday as I went to bed, because of a train of thought that passed my mind.


Now this has never happened to me before. I only get suicidal thoughts when I am severely depressed, and it did awaken some inner dialogue in me because just like those thoughts, my sudden cheerfulness was highly unusual as well now that I thought about it properly.
As I was thinking about it I also realized that in the last few days I've been acting kind of weird in general.

It's not out of character for me to stop and appreciate the beauty of the world or to remind my friends and family of their importance to me, but what makes it different this time is that I noticed in the past week, a lot of my conversations had have an occuring theme of closure and reassurance.
I wasn't even aware that it's what I've been doing, but theres no doubt in my mind, especially since I've even contemplated contacting old friends and family who I am no longer in contact with so I could clear up any bad blood between us.

As a usually severely depressed person my apartment is also a huge mess, and I've somehow found some energy to clean a little bit, as well as thought about clearing out some items and junk I don't use or need.

All of this has made me question; am I subconsciously preparing for my own suicide?
I have made plans in the past and I have a clear picture of how I'd want it to go down, but I never bothered to go through with it because it's felt like it'd be "too much work".
I want to leave as little complications for my loved ones as possible in my passing because I don't want them to be burdened by all of these extra tasks while grieving my death, so I always thought that if I did end my life I'd have to get it together first.

I don't have any intent in killing myself currently, but I am not at all comfortable with this sudden development of my mental health, because I feel like I am actively making it feel more possible for myself because a lot of the time my reasoning to not go through with it have been exactly the things I've been working to resolve recently.

In conclusion; should I be worried or is this kind of behaviour usual when you're early in recovery?

Thank you, and I advice you to drink some water because it's probably been a while and you could be a bit dehydrated <3

 

[sinking_ship]

Hi there, welcome to SF. Passing thoughts of suicide are fairly normal (for this crowd at least). That moment of, this was a great day I should just end it now, I think you'll find a lot of people here who can relate to that feeling. But just because you have the thought, it doesn't mean you really want to act on it. Brains are weird that way. As you've seen, the feelings pass.

In terms of preparing for your suicide in some way. I don't know if that's what you're doing, but that's not what I would assume. If you feel well after feeling suicidal, it makes sense that you might cherish the time with your friends. That doesn't mean you're saying goodbye to them. And finding some energy to clean seems like a great thing that's good for YOU too. It seems like maybe because you're distressed about the suicidal thoughts, that part of you is trying to make some narrative that makes 'sense' around that. But it doesn't always make sense or have to mean anything.

 

[Tana]

Thanks for the friendly advice. Getting up and consciously preparing then drinking a glass of water every day, creates a healthy habit, and you gradually become more productive with it, able to take on bigger goals, and are feeling more in charge etc, according to some research; - Random note.

So yeah. beneficial.

...It's not ideal how you imagined it, to put it lightly. The issue with most depressive thoughts seems to be an overly negative evaluation of words and events etc...I'm guilty of it too though, so I understand.

I definitely don't think you should view of it like that, however, and doubt it's the case. I think you should just enjoy the moments of joy, rare or persistent, and instead, perhaps, wait hopefully for the next one, as you know you're capable of this level of happiness. A reason why I'd assume you felt better, is because of 1). Things were looking up for you, 2). You worked for it, and should be proud and 3.) You waited it out...another thing to be proud of. There was a huge wave, and you didn't allow it to drown you (so to speak)...

...that's how I'd look at it, or want to, and perhaps even *should*. What you've experienced is great, don't mud it, enjoy it for as long as it lasts. And then, know that (as i said) you're capable of the feeling, so it will return if/when it fades for a while...

Hope this helps, but feel free to vent more. <3

 

[Atreides]

It sounds like things are turning in a positive way. Sometimes we have thoughts that can disturb us, but in the end they're just thoughts. We have to choose not to give them weight.

 

[-Twilight-]

Hello!
I'm writing here because I've recently been presented with a 'situation' of sorts and I was wondering if I should be worried about my health?

(Trigger warnings; self harm & suicide)

You see, I've been depressed for nearly 11 years, and am diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I've also practiced self-harm on-off for 9+ years, my record for staying 'clean' in that time being roughly 7 months at a time.

I have been in recovery for a while now, and even started a new program last month that makes me leave the house (something I wouldn't have even dreamt of a few months back) and I even made some friends!!! Life really is looking up!
However, I've also gotten increasingly depressed/suicidal as I've gotten better, until last week where I came very close to taking my own life, but decided to go to bed instead after getting drunk.

After that night, the next morning I woke up and for whatever reason I felt full of energy, excitement and with a very vivid hunger for life.
I had a newfound fire in me, but I couldn't quite place where it came from. I spent a couple days working on my beloved hobbies I haven't had the energy to do in months, I spent a lot of quality time with my family and friends, and I occasionally just stop to admire the world around me just to take in all of its beauty.
And my week has been great because of that. I haven't felt sad at all nor hated myself too much. I'm generally just very content, happy even!
This all seemed fine to me, and I thought I was getting better until yesterday as I went to bed, because of a train of thought that passed my mind.


Now this has never happened to me before. I only get suicidal thoughts when I am severely depressed, and it did awaken some inner dialogue in me because just like those thoughts, my sudden cheerfulness was highly unusual as well now that I thought about it properly.
As I was thinking about it I also realized that in the last few days I've been acting kind of weird in general.

It's not out of character for me to stop and appreciate the beauty of the world or to remind my friends and family of their importance to me, but what makes it different this time is that I noticed in the past week, a lot of my conversations had have an occuring theme of closure and reassurance.
I wasn't even aware that it's what I've been doing, but theres no doubt in my mind, especially since I've even contemplated contacting old friends and family who I am no longer in contact with so I could clear up any bad blood between us.

As a usually severely depressed person my apartment is also a huge mess, and I've somehow found some energy to clean a little bit, as well as thought about clearing out some items and junk I don't use or need.

All of this has made me question; am I subconsciously preparing for my own suicide?
I have made plans in the past and I have a clear picture of how I'd want it to go down, but I never bothered to go through with it because it's felt like it'd be "too much work".
I want to leave as little complications for my loved ones as possible in my passing because I don't want them to be burdened by all of these extra tasks while grieving my death, so I always thought that if I did end my life I'd have to get it together first.

I don't have any intent in killing myself currently, but I am not at all comfortable with this sudden development of my mental health, because I feel like I am actively making it feel more possible for myself because a lot of the time my reasoning to not go through with it have been exactly the things I've been working to resolve recently.

In conclusion; should I be worried or is this kind of behaviour usual when you're early in recovery?

Thank you, and I advice you to drink some water because it's probably been a while and you could be a bit dehydrated <3

I feel I’ve been subconsciously preparing my suicide too! And more serious than you... And also, please try not to get drunk, because when you get drunk it will be difficult to control yourself from doing things that harm yourself. And also you can have people around you that you trust.

 

[Lara_C]

I don't think you are subconsciously preparing to end your life @TiaTime, mainly because prior to an attempt people develop tunnel vision in which they convince themselves that suicide is the only solution. I don't think this closed mindset can exist side by side with openness to and appreciation of the beauty in the world you're experiencing. I think this is a good sign and that depression can sometimes lift unexpectedly like this.