suffering like this and see no way out

[Raven]

just need to vent
I am expecting some replies though I know... that... sigh maybe no one will read this, but would appreciate any response (that's supportive) 😭😭

I should stop reading things that triggering me. first of all the reading of a compulsory course trigger me and give me panic attacks, I don't want to focus on the topic it covers because really don't want to be triggered again

secondly I feel like I ruined my good life, because of ASD. Fuck this thing makes me unable to communicate normally. like how can I be even alive so bitter like this. I used to have a good grade and artistic talents but I found that's getting away, like I want to get my art more views (be seen by more people) but the communication related to that very action makes me burden a lot. but we live in this society and can't expect to live without socialization... I think I'm very high functioning, but actually I can't function. I Just can't afford that I left behind on my courses on studying because that's the only way I can live in this society.

and I am isolating myself because I am bad at communication
the past was biting on me as well. I seemed to trigger my therapist because of telling my past experience...the session hasn't turn out to be a miracle to solve all these things

and I felt I damaged my brain for taking way too many drugs just wanting to escape temporarily from a feeling. I just can't remember a very specific word when I try to write a post. how can I do scientific research in the futare with such a dull brain!!
and self harm wounds infected, I hate walking, maybe I can escape from the PE tomorrow hmm
yes I can't do fucking PE ahhhhhhhhh I'm tired of this life
too many things I want to write about but powerless to even think back
and that I can't even kill myself because I know I can't I have made promises not and I can't afford it because they have put so many expectations on me
Is there a damn way out other than taking that way too many drugs and cutting myself from my feelings temporarily??? I know it can't miraculously solve all the problems in life
but living like this is so damn hard and such a time returns always
I want to dieeeeeee
those drugs aren't escape because they cause terrible physical feelings dysphoria and dry mouth etc and damage to the body
and I'm just too sad to tired and just want to feel better but I see no way

 

[AvidFan]

I have read your post and am sorry you are struggling like this. You know you are among people who care here, I just wish there was a magic panacea that would fix things. I'm sorry you are suffering so much. Sending you

 

[KM76710]

Just vent away all that you want or need. This is a place to know you will be heard and that people care and want good things to come to you.

 

[Astrid78]

Here and listening
Hugs

 

[Raven]

Appreciate it so much

 

[iloverachel]

I am sorry you are struggling so much and want to die
I really hope you get the help that you need to feel better.
Keep us updated on your situation and stay safe my friend

 

[Raven]

well today I struggled a lot and finally I couldn't handle that if I'll really messed up with this term and I went to the mental health center so scared. Actually those required reading sends me a very fast heartbeat and uncomfortable feeling like dysphoria and idk restlessness: that just reminds me of the panic attack happened on the high school on a very similar course and I felt I was going to die at that noon, but nope. I Realized that would be the sign of an upcoming panic attack, so I tried to distract myself very hard. And I was painting a picture like my current avatar: it helps me and that upcoming panic attack was kicked away. And it keeps happening, triggers everywhere. I'm fed up. but not a real panic attack was coming but I really can't afford the price if one really occurred, especially on the class, I can't imagine...
I was prescribed some benzos in the past so I went there. But shit.
He thought I looks completely okay. Like a random teenager want to get herself prescribed something for fun??? omg it made my heart racing a lot and almost cried and I told him damn I'm going to have panic attacks whenever I encounter those triggers, I know that's stupid so I don't really tell him what the triggers are. And he just said: just racing heartbeats means a panic attack? that's joking.
omg I really wanted to die instantly at that moment. I thought I really suffered too much these days and actually yep it's nothing, nothing. So I'm living a happy healthy mentally stable life??? omg I just wanted to kill myself. and I am tired of walking with infected wounds on the leg, I arrived there not to be humiliated... but I stayed calm because you know what would happen if I react the other way, actually, there was something serious going there and there was po...lice... that scared me a lot!!! and that actually helped me. I got some lorazepam prescribed at the end because I told him I have been prescribed with lorazepam in the past. and I was really fucking stupid making thousands of mistake when trying to pay, to fetch the meds, like my brain isn't mine, might have already being damaged with those trips on that very drug.
so I'm writing it down to confront that experience and so I won't feel so painful when it accidentally enter my brain and hit me to the ground: like I'm so vulnerable!
but I have benzos now. fuck off anxiety.

Thank you so much for supporting me: I appreciate it very much. Knowing that I am heard and cared it means a lot and distract me from those endless self hatred... like I'm trying to stop thinking about those bitter past, stop, stop, I just can't stop but whatever... I'm sedated and want to sleep now

 

[Mato]

my best friend, i'm always here for you, I am so sorry that you are suffering so much and I know the pain you are going through, I wish with all my heart that there is a way to help you feel happy and that the pain goes away forever so that it is possible for you to function and live without pain so that you can do all your beautiful dreams and create loving art

 

[may71]

I'm sorry that you've been feeling so bad, and also that the mental health center guy wasn't understanding or supportive.

Is there a damn way out other than taking that way too many drugs and cutting myself from my feelings temporarily???

Maybe

Sending hugs

 

[Raven]

I wake up from the nightmare when I finally am sober again.

when I live with insurmountable triggers I seek for one hour a week time on my own, where I can vent out to the air and feel what I feel. Maybe I'll never try to cut myself off from my feelings in that way once again.

glad I wasn't at the party and glad I was alone
how blissful it would be if every lonesome soul find their home

it's like
away from the party
they chat and drink tell lies and truth
I with my hallucinations lying on the bed
I don't need something more than recommended dose to feel better

I try to accept my triggers
everyone's so normal around me in the daylight
you don't know their face, loom in the smokes in the dark
I just need some ativan, 1mg a day, to feel better
and eventually be free.

in that office she hug me and tell me I'm not being destroyed
and when we work together on that short writing 1 assignment
as long as following the doctor's guide, as long as escaping from a loss panic attacks
I'm in peace, and am not abusing on drugs.

zoloft and paxil and buspar and xanax
depakote klonopin ambien prozac
ativan calms me when I see the bills(grade)
these are some of my favorite pills
--Next to Normal

yep but my septic tank aka toilet isn't the happiest in the whole conference center lol