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Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?
- Thread starter Petal
- Start date
I wish you were feeling safe. After prolonged exposure to danger and threats, e.g., the adverse experiences that underlie C-PTSD, the ability to feel safe is all but impossible. At least that’s what it was for me. It’s very similar to the ability to trust. Once it’s broken, it will be hard work to get it back, and if it gets broken again after that, it’s even more difficult!
@mosaic hearts I am sending hugs. Hope you're going to keep us posted as to how you're doing. I wish there was a way for you to throw out that lethal whatever.
Leaning towards it again, just feeling really sad and very annoyed with other people who interfered, now all by my self, i think thats a song isnt it. Just struggling to shake this feeling of losing someone i love in this manner. And i go round in circles and crisis, i wonder how long this will last for me, as i dont think i can handle much more.
I could say the same for myself. I keep feeling like I’m turning into a hateful and bitter person. I don’t think I’m being successful with “letting go,” or any other form of trying to resolve the pain. This leads me to wonder if it’s possibly more effective to build out enough positive activities to crowd out my negative ruminations. I haven’t done it yet, so who knows if there’s anything to it.
It’s not that I’m feeling suicidal, but i’m in a unique and horrifying circumstance which will require me to kill myself. I’m dying of HIV and Syphilis which i cannot get medical care for because the CIA put a medical block on me. its basically where they have spies changing my bloodwork to make it appear as though im healthy, so that I cannot get treatment. i know that sounds crazy but its all true— they were the ones who diseased me in the first place. I’ve tried everything to get treatment but ive had these diseases for about 26 years now without treatment and im extremely ill. Suicide is the only way to prevent me from getting aids and having the syphilis get into my brain. I have my plans made, it’s just a matter of time. How much time do i have left before the symptoms become unbearable. I managed to get some antibiotics from mexico but they’re running out and i cant afford to fly to mexico every six months. i’m too stressed out to work and im running out of savings. I have isolated myself completely and it’s just me and my housemate now…and my many birds… Im barely hanging on
I'm really struggling to continue and carry on like this - I have the means, but just can't bring myself to go through with it. It's strange because it's like because of that I am facing another 30 years like this, miserable and pining. It's an incredible anti suicide defense mech that the human body has, but it's deeply flawed, would rather you were miserable and in pain for the rest of your life. I know it's not as straightforward as that, I've just had enough of this again.
I feel very unlike myself today. I think the me that I used to know is dying. Wondering if anyone will replace him, and if so will he be a better version of me or a nastier one? Temptations to do risky things in traffic are through the roof, going to stay away from those car keys until that subsides.
unfortunately yes and no. i want to live as long as i still have some quality of life but i'm tired, so very tired. i'm tired of struggling, i'm tired of living in pain, i'm tired of sickness, and i am very tired of fighting. i have been daydreaming of suicide a lot, multiple times a day. this recent sickness isn.t helping lol. i am still safe. i have my method , plan and location finally in place but still have no intention of going by suicide, not yet at least
mike
mike