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Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?
- Thread starter Petal
- Start date
It's a very common trauma response to repress the memory. It's unreasonable to expect a child to be able to mentally and emotionally process something as overwhelming as abuse, especially on their own.
It's only speculative that he had other victims. It's also only speculative that speaking up about it would have led to anything. You'd have to prove something in court for action to be taken, and that's hard to do.
I hope you can find a way to be more gentle with yourself. You were only a child.
It's only speculative that he had other victims. It's also only speculative that speaking up about it would have led to anything. You'd have to prove something in court for action to be taken, and that's hard to do.
I hope you can find a way to be more gentle with yourself. You were only a child.
Today marks the first day that I contemplated the act.
I looked up ways to do it... and I found a suitable one. The method is apparently painless. The only downside is that it's too quick. I'd much rather drift off like a fade to black scene in movies.
One of the redeeming qualities about this brain in this body is that it's quite resourceful and although I have a good brain, I've had awful luck with money. The details are shameful (it's ironic how that even matters).
My google searches even led me here... although I wasn't looking for a support group, really.
I looked up ways to do it... and I found a suitable one. The method is apparently painless. The only downside is that it's too quick. I'd much rather drift off like a fade to black scene in movies.
One of the redeeming qualities about this brain in this body is that it's quite resourceful and although I have a good brain, I've had awful luck with money. The details are shameful (it's ironic how that even matters).
My google searches even led me here... although I wasn't looking for a support group, really.
This community has helped me hold it together. It might be the reason I'm here today. I wish you change of fortune or uplift of soul; that you hold on and find reason to enjoy this thing or that in life in doing so. If you need anyone to talk to, reach out to everyone else here; they're good folk. And they all, to some degree or another, get the feelings and the struggle.
I came here to post that now I DO feel punishment-wanting. And liking life as much as I do, death seems right.
I have loved ones who'd be hurt, and at least one who'd struggle in the world, if I would kill myself. And Mom and Dad fought hard to get this small piece of land; if I would kill myself, it'd likely end up auction'd off to some 1%'ers.
So I keep living. But if I had no-one or nothing, or I knew my death would be survivable for my loved ones and wouldn't glut the already-victorious fatso oligarchs w/ the prize of Mom's and Dad's blood, sweat, and tears, then I would, in fact, punish myself for my wrongs and negligences and procrastinations, by annihilating my mortal breath.
Funny. One recent post of mine on this very thread, I reported about myself that, remembering a particular wrong of mine, I most of all deserve to live- in discomfort and regret, as penance. Yet here I've come, to say the above. Now that I've said it, I feel both, interweaving.
I have loved ones who'd be hurt, and at least one who'd struggle in the world, if I would kill myself. And Mom and Dad fought hard to get this small piece of land; if I would kill myself, it'd likely end up auction'd off to some 1%'ers.
So I keep living. But if I had no-one or nothing, or I knew my death would be survivable for my loved ones and wouldn't glut the already-victorious fatso oligarchs w/ the prize of Mom's and Dad's blood, sweat, and tears, then I would, in fact, punish myself for my wrongs and negligences and procrastinations, by annihilating my mortal breath.
Funny. One recent post of mine on this very thread, I reported about myself that, remembering a particular wrong of mine, I most of all deserve to live- in discomfort and regret, as penance. Yet here I've come, to say the above. Now that I've said it, I feel both, interweaving.
Welcome to Sf @shwang80
Sorry for the reasons for the active searching for a method for suicide.
You've come to a community tor support in staying alive and for the struggles we encounter doing so. That's almost using a euphamism, but you see what I mean. There is no shame here, many of us have a variety of issues such as depressio, and ohter problems as well as some good things in our lives.
I hope you stay.
Sorry for the reasons for the active searching for a method for suicide.
You've come to a community tor support in staying alive and for the struggles we encounter doing so. That's almost using a euphamism, but you see what I mean. There is no shame here, many of us have a variety of issues such as depressio, and ohter problems as well as some good things in our lives.
I hope you stay.
Thanks for the warm welcome. I appreciate it. I was diagnosed with MDD last year, and I didn't believe it. A recent argument with the Mrs. brought it to light, full force. I've completely shut down and everything about how I used to feel about everything just completely disappeared, if that makes any sense. It was an unusual trigger, but I guess the last straw could have been anything. Since then, I've been feeling so tired, semi-serious matters are met with "what's the point?" and the ideations are constant. I'm a Christian, and one of my biggest fears is ending my life with the final act being sinful without a chance for repentance.
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That sounds like a very succinct way of describing the textbook (or DSM) definition of MDD.
I don't think that suicide is sinful, because I've been to the ledge before and I can tell you I had lost all ability to reason by that point, except in the service of completing the task in mind. I only failed because my body was less sensitive to the method I used than most other people. So, in at least some people, the act is not a matter of choice, and therefore cannot be evaluated with respect to righteousness or sinfulness. Without going into a long scholarly discussion of the reasoning behind this claim, I say that we might as well suppose dying of cancer is a sin that you cannot repent of. A mood disorder is also a disease, and in too many cases turns out to be fatal. I will not accept any proposition that says my niece, who died of suicide a couple yrs ago, is facing punishment because of the way she died. I rather think that, given her age and the recent change in psych meds, it was nothing of her choice either. This is a known side effect with SSRI's for her age group - especially when switching from one to another. The fact that her hand set in motion the ultimate process that resulted in her death does not nullify everything else that likely was a more significant factor than her thought process at the time.
Even if we allow that suicide is a sin for the sake of argument - It might be the case that there is still an opportunity for repentance. Admittedly there is no chance immediately upon death, but Christian teachings are very clear that there is something that continues after the body shuts down. I think this makes it more likely that there would still be matters of choice somewhere along the way from physical death on up to the final judgement that reveals one's eternal destiny. (of which I am also skeptical but I am not going down that tangent just now)
I could be wrong. It's been a loooong time since I cracked open a book or read a theologian discussing finer points of doctrine. Nonetheless, my point is that it sounds like the interpretation of suicide as a sin is not necessarily true. I am aware that your view is what is taught from most pulpits, but consensus is no substitute for evidence.
I don't think that suicide is sinful, because I've been to the ledge before and I can tell you I had lost all ability to reason by that point, except in the service of completing the task in mind. I only failed because my body was less sensitive to the method I used than most other people. So, in at least some people, the act is not a matter of choice, and therefore cannot be evaluated with respect to righteousness or sinfulness. Without going into a long scholarly discussion of the reasoning behind this claim, I say that we might as well suppose dying of cancer is a sin that you cannot repent of. A mood disorder is also a disease, and in too many cases turns out to be fatal. I will not accept any proposition that says my niece, who died of suicide a couple yrs ago, is facing punishment because of the way she died. I rather think that, given her age and the recent change in psych meds, it was nothing of her choice either. This is a known side effect with SSRI's for her age group - especially when switching from one to another. The fact that her hand set in motion the ultimate process that resulted in her death does not nullify everything else that likely was a more significant factor than her thought process at the time.
Even if we allow that suicide is a sin for the sake of argument - It might be the case that there is still an opportunity for repentance. Admittedly there is no chance immediately upon death, but Christian teachings are very clear that there is something that continues after the body shuts down. I think this makes it more likely that there would still be matters of choice somewhere along the way from physical death on up to the final judgement that reveals one's eternal destiny. (of which I am also skeptical but I am not going down that tangent just now)
I could be wrong. It's been a loooong time since I cracked open a book or read a theologian discussing finer points of doctrine. Nonetheless, my point is that it sounds like the interpretation of suicide as a sin is not necessarily true. I am aware that your view is what is taught from most pulpits, but consensus is no substitute for evidence.
Ditto that. I also found this site by way of trying to find some old content that I knew was in usenet from back in the early days of internets. Searching on stuff like methods returned this site near the top of my results, so I had expected it to be a pro-suicide forum, lol. However, I decided to give this idea of resisting the urge to complete suicide a chance, because here was a place where I could talk about suicidal ideations without ending up in a police car en-route to a place that I would be forbidden to leave for 72 hours. More importantly, the people here can understand each other because we necessarily share this experience.
Unfortunately for my own plans, this lot and some lucky experiments with my psychiatrist have preserved me up to this point.
Unfortunately for my own plans, this lot and some lucky experiments with my psychiatrist have preserved me up to this point.
I end up in this place from time to time. Average frequency probably twice in a month. It's an intrusive thought though, except it's kind of like a back and forth between two streams of thought:
A - I want to die
B- You don't deserve to die!
A - Yes I do, I'm terrible.
B - Death is better than life, so being terrible means you don't deserve to die. QED!
A - I want to die
B- You don't deserve to die!
A - Yes I do, I'm terrible.
B - Death is better than life, so being terrible means you don't deserve to die. QED!
I’m flailing. I’m trying to rationalize my own suicide. I am looking for any excuse that is valid enough for me to overcome the factors holding me back at present. I kind of need to say this here because I cannot trust anyone in 3d land: I want to die. Not out of pain or disappointment, but because I just want to. It’s a fucking piece of malware that younger Jack accidentally installed while trying to download illicit online adult entertainment. Back when Pirate Bay was a thing, meaning I’ve lived long enough.
And now it’s looking like it’s not coming out under any scenario in which I am still breathing at the end. I’m out of all the fuel that I have used to overcome this to date. It’s too late to go buy a weapon so that’s off the table until morning. But damn. I wish I could shit or get off the pot already!
This really hurts.
And now it’s looking like it’s not coming out under any scenario in which I am still breathing at the end. I’m out of all the fuel that I have used to overcome this to date. It’s too late to go buy a weapon so that’s off the table until morning. But damn. I wish I could shit or get off the pot already!
This really hurts.
I've wished for at least 25 years Mother Nature would call me home, but it hasn't happened yet. I tried to hurry it up a few years ago, but it didn't take and I woke up fine. Since then? I have suffered through mental health issues which left me in such a state, several times, I would have done it if I had the means immediately to hand. You can't easily get a gun in the UK, or I would be gone already. I found a way that is evidently quick and painless, but it would utterly destroy my parents, sister and those who have done all they can to keep me here. I just want to go, but my heart keeps beating and I get more and more sick of it every day.
I don't know your whole story, but you're still a doctor to me because you earned and deserve it, and have something many others don't have; Empathy. I also wouldn't call what happened a waste, not on your part anyway. As far as the never been born thing, yes I feel that way also. But we were born even though we had no choice in the matter, and it sounds like you were trying to take an unfair situation and turn it into something better, which is no little act.