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Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?
- Thread starter Petal
- Start date
Not at the moment, but I think it’s really just the combination of meds I am on puts a “floor” on my emotional level such that I don’t fall all the way to losing my survival instincts.
That said, over the past few days, I’ve been having thoughts that I should stop taking them. I didn’t think about it at the time, but when I put these two observations together, I think it is more likely than not that I subconsciously want to let the bottom drop out and then I would start putting a plan in motion. This is not good.
The first and only time I have done this, it was intensely painful. I got as far as gathering supplies and I wasn’t aware of what I was doing until I had a brief flash of insight into how bad it was. I went back to my meds and improved, after which I saw that I was fully intent on using the method and even had a plan B in case I survived the first attempt. So…. a part of me wants to go back there.
That said, over the past few days, I’ve been having thoughts that I should stop taking them. I didn’t think about it at the time, but when I put these two observations together, I think it is more likely than not that I subconsciously want to let the bottom drop out and then I would start putting a plan in motion. This is not good.
The first and only time I have done this, it was intensely painful. I got as far as gathering supplies and I wasn’t aware of what I was doing until I had a brief flash of insight into how bad it was. I went back to my meds and improved, after which I saw that I was fully intent on using the method and even had a plan B in case I survived the first attempt. So…. a part of me wants to go back there.
Maybe less so. I had a meeting with my therapist today and we collaborated on some coping strategies. She is very concerned that, along with the early trauma, I am also having OCD behaviors. I am not diagnosed but she advised that another acronym is less important than having healthy ways to move towards having control over these things that I can’t let go. So we have some ideas for redirecting from the obsessive thoughts. I feel like I need a nap now. This work is demanding!
maybe the clearing out of some will bring a little bit of relief 
A little bit. Parents, whom I still live with and basically always have, have been crappy with me for uncertain reasons (especially my Mom). I have worked hard to improve their lives, buying them gifts, maintaining things, installing smart devices to make their lives easier and more convenient, and all I want is to be considered for activities like playing games with my Dad on his PS5, and instead I get treated like dog poo and shoved aside.
Not sure. Not sure it even matters. I can’t get the help I need. I’m running out of money because I’m too debilitated by my depression to find work. Even if I was able to put in the effort, I’m hearing from people in my field that it has already been several months and counting with hardly ever a call for a phone screen, and then never getting past that point. Many of the jobs posted are fake, i.e., intended to drive other metrics with no real position they are hiring for.
Examples include giving the appearance of growing or a sneaky way to gain information about the supply of candidates in order to gauge the risk of current employees leaving for a better job elsewhere.
In short, it’s as if the chances of finding a job are not improved relative to the amount of effort going into the search.
I don’t want to starve to death, and even before it got to that point, I would rather die than have to beg and scrape for assistance. Unfortunately I don’t have the will to go through with it, so I’m just feeling like crap. I wish I could just die without having to do it myself and leave a big mess behind. Physically and emotionally for my loved ones.
Examples include giving the appearance of growing or a sneaky way to gain information about the supply of candidates in order to gauge the risk of current employees leaving for a better job elsewhere.
In short, it’s as if the chances of finding a job are not improved relative to the amount of effort going into the search.
I don’t want to starve to death, and even before it got to that point, I would rather die than have to beg and scrape for assistance. Unfortunately I don’t have the will to go through with it, so I’m just feeling like crap. I wish I could just die without having to do it myself and leave a big mess behind. Physically and emotionally for my loved ones.
@LumberJack
If only there was a community that would hire mentally challenged citizens on a flexible schedule with decent salary.
I believe that most of us are intelligent people, good workers, passionate workers. We would thrive in a work environment with an understanding and supportive team.
That would only happen in a fantasy though.
Wonder if there is thread where our career field is listed and others in this community could refer remote work from reliable sources 🤔
If only there was a community that would hire mentally challenged citizens on a flexible schedule with decent salary.
I believe that most of us are intelligent people, good workers, passionate workers. We would thrive in a work environment with an understanding and supportive team.
That would only happen in a fantasy though.
Wonder if there is thread where our career field is listed and others in this community could refer remote work from reliable sources 🤔
I'm diagnosed with high IQ. Unfortunately it's only the math kind of intelligence, hence my seeing it as a diagnosis as opposed to giftedness. Physical or emotional, not so much. Smarts without tact is no frickin gift, I assure you.
I agree that if we could get adequate accommodations we would perform better. I just don't think that exists. There is still this left over assembly-line style mentality in business that says you're slacking off if you're not at your station. Makes no sense but those businesses that paid megabuck$ for the massive high-rise buildings need to use 'em, apparently
I agree that if we could get adequate accommodations we would perform better. I just don't think that exists. There is still this left over assembly-line style mentality in business that says you're slacking off if you're not at your station. Makes no sense but those businesses that paid megabuck$ for the massive high-rise buildings need to use 'em, apparently
