Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?

[TragicReality]

May I ask why?

I think there is obvious reasons that people feel like this. I'd never blame a person for ending up doing it. My list would be long. One thing is getting older and health declines, friends died or leave, loneliness, financial insecurities, insurmountable troubles. This world is not the one I grew up in anymore.

 

[LumberJack]

I've been in and out several times of such facilities myself, and though all mine were voluntary admissions, I believe there's a great deal of truth to this statement sometimes. It's NOT a good situation for the patients when this is the case!

I was voluntary, too. Until I said I was not getting the help I needed and asked to discharge myself. At that moment I was put on a hold for 72 (more) hours. The basis for my status downgrade was given as the fact that I got worse somehow meant I should spend more time in the place that was causing me to get worse. If they really had any concern for my safety, I would have been transferred to a different place that could meet my treatment needs. I was held for revenue reasons - and then the staff treated me even worse. My distress increased and so I acted out more, and for this I was punished instead of one person taking 5 minutes to talk with me and just treat me like a fking adult. I'm not exaggerating - I said verbatim, "I don't feel heard." The nurse responded, "We know" with an eyeroll and went back to her paperwork.

I will never in my life admit to being in crisis. You don't get help when you're vulnerable. You get taken advantage of. It's like going to the police for help with a drug problem. They are going to throw you in jail - they are not there to help!

 

[Oizys Moros]

@LumberJack
Traumatic in itself. I am sorry that you experienced that at a time when you needed help.

Now I am thinking about my voluntary. I do not recall giving my insurance information. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t. I was in a mentally unstable state. Although I do recall benefiting mostly from group therapy. I also recall that the food 🍱 served was seasoned and delicious and I didn’t have to be the cook to eat.

Some days I feel like I could benefit by returning. But mysophobia overrides any perceived beneficial aspects of getting help that way again.

It's like going to the police for help with a drug problem. They are going to throw you in jail - they are not there to help!

That too was days of old. Nowadays, it is —^^—^—^^————— 🥴 flatlined

 

[LumberJack]

Yes. I'm very sorry but I am ready to do it right now. I really, really would rather not see another sunrise. I'm sick of feeling this way. I've done everything I can and every time I fall back on my face.

I don't have access to a method, and been thru this enough times to know that it passes. I have to distract myself. But in the meantime when I'm not distracted, the impulse and the motivation is there. I know with all my heart that if all I had to do was a few hand movements (trying not to specify a method here) to get it over with - I would not be here writing and instead there would be a mess in my apartment.

 

[LumberJack]

@LumberJack
Traumatic in itself. I am sorry that you experienced that at a time when you needed help.

Now I am thinking about my voluntary. I do not recall giving my insurance information. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t. I was in a mentally unstable state. Although I do recall benefiting mostly from group therapy. I also recall that the food 🍱 served was seasoned and delicious and I didn’t have to be the cook to eat.

Some days I feel like I could benefit by returning. But mysophobia overrides any perceived beneficial aspects of getting help that way again.




That too was days of old. Nowadays, it is —^^—^—^^————— 🥴 flatlined

You must have lucked into a better place than I did. The food was served at room temp.

Spoiler: venting

Like they had these turkey burger things or whatever, and they appeared to have been cooked at some point, but someone just slapped a slice of Kraft cheese on them after they were cold, so there was this unmelted rectangle of something that I don't even consider food. I used to work in a restaurant. I know that the health dept requires hot food to be kept hot, and cold food, cold. The intermediate temps are forbidden because that's where pathogens thrive. And mysophobia (contamination fear) would be a huge problem there. The room I was put in had not been cleaned from the prior occupant, as evidenced by the fact that the sink had a large amount of dried toothpaste residue and a nice large hairball on the counter that was from someone with long black hair having cleaned out a hair brush and nobody even looked in there before dumping me in that room. The worst was the literal shit that was smeared on the toilet seat and despite my repeated requests, it took them 2 FULL days to get anyone in there with some disinfectant. That's just one example though. EVERY SINGLE REQUEST that I made for something that I needed to feel safe or comfortable was met with, "yeah ok we'll get that taken care of," only for me to check back in a few hours later and the staff shift had changed but nobody from the prior shift turned anything over. So clearly they were just dismissing me and doing nothing about it.

In the "hospital" there was no intellectual stimulation. No devices, no books aside from pulp action novels from 1998 and earlier, and same with any other activity that would have occupied my mind. The only thing to do was watch "Pawn Stars" marathons on TV, which is a reality show where people just scream bleeped obscenities at each other the whole time - really helpful for someone with PTSD who is suffering from overwhelming anxiety.

Sorry. I'm bitter. I think that basically, I'm sliding back into a bad place lately, and if not for the terror of that experience, I would be seeking a higher level of care. I won't, though. I'm going to take my chances with staying in my room where at least I have things to do.

I think the venting is helping me though because now I feel angry instead of defeated. I don't know if my therapist would think it quite healthy, though.

 

[Oizys Moros]

@LumberJack
sounds more tormenting than the mental anguish of reason for services.

I know unaliveness is more permanent but in my today’s mindset, I would choose unaliveness over that type of environmental trauma. There’s no lack of traumatic memories.

Decades ago Medical staff use to care about patients, didn’t they?

Insurance would cover out of state inpatient costs for rehabilitation facilities. Now we’re lucky if it covers mental health at all.

I have had an overwhelming sadness for the past week ( I think). I wake up feeling empty and detached. I get REM sleep only after I wake up from the anxiety filled dreams. Then I experience a comatose sleep for an hour, two at best. Wake up with a racing heart but I feel rested yet afraid. Then I have to face the day of nothingness.

One dream was being crushed inside a vehicle 🚗 by construction equipment ( excavator or something). I was inside the vehicle with others but also outside the vehicle looking at myself inside of the vehicle all mangled up but ALIVE. Couldn’t move or scream. 😱

I don’t have an appetite. I’m not thirsty. I’m unproductive. My mind races with so many thoughts. I can only suppress so much.

I want to cry about something but I have no fluids to tear up. Plus I don’t even know what to cry about.

And that is when SH, makes most sense. Something tangible to connect to the despair felt.

….. now I am heading to watch depressing videos on YouTube 😢🥴😂🤣

 

[TragicReality]

You must have lucked into a better place than I did. The food was served at room temp.

Spoiler: venting

Like they had these turkey burger things or whatever, and they appeared to have been cooked at some point, but someone just slapped a slice of Kraft cheese on them after they were cold, so there was this unmelted rectangle of something that I don't even consider food. I used to work in a restaurant. I know that the health dept requires hot food to be kept hot, and cold food, cold. The intermediate temps are forbidden because that's where pathogens thrive. And mysophobia (contamination fear) would be a huge problem there. The room I was put in had not been cleaned from the prior occupant, as evidenced by the fact that the sink had a large amount of dried toothpaste residue and a nice large hairball on the counter that was from someone with long black hair having cleaned out a hair brush and nobody even looked in there before dumping me in that room. The worst was the literal shit that was smeared on the toilet seat and despite my repeated requests, it took them 2 FULL days to get anyone in there with some disinfectant. That's just one example though. EVERY SINGLE REQUEST that I made for something that I needed to feel safe or comfortable was met with, "yeah ok we'll get that taken care of," only for me to check back in a few hours later and the staff shift had changed but nobody from the prior shift turned anything over. So clearly they were just dismissing me and doing nothing about it.

In the "hospital" there was no intellectual stimulation. No devices, no books aside from pulp action novels from 1998 and earlier, and same with any other activity that would have occupied my mind. The only thing to do was watch "Pawn Stars" marathons on TV, which is a reality show where people just scream bleeped obscenities at each other the whole time - really helpful for someone with PTSD who is suffering from overwhelming anxiety.

Sorry. I'm bitter. I think that basically, I'm sliding back into a bad place lately, and if not for the terror of that experience, I would be seeking a higher level of care. I won't, though. I'm going to take my chances with staying in my room where at least I have things to do.

I think the venting is helping me though because now I feel angry instead of defeated. I don't know if my therapist would think it quite healthy, though.

Maybe I should post in the other place.. I want you to know how good it felt that you talked (typed) with me yesterday trying to help and you did help. I haven't talked to anyone but the" have to " with sister and brother once in the last at least a couple of months. No adult to that cares, just holed up in my apartment. You're witty. You're a great guy, I can tell. I lurked here for a while because I didn't know where to start again. You changed my day for the better. I hope you can get some peace and sleep tonight. I often read and don't reply because I don't know if I'm helpful so I do know a fair bit about you and you deserve kindness and wellness. Hope this fumbled post to you is ok.

 

[LumberJack]

@LumberJack
sounds more tormenting than the mental anguish of reason for services.

I know unaliveness is more permanent but in my today’s mindset, I would choose unaliveness over that type of environmental trauma. There’s no lack of traumatic memories.

Worst part is that I was punished for some unknown infraction that nobody would reveal to me, and being beaten for things I didn't do or in fact never happened is a recurring theme in my childhood PTSD. I'm not surprised I came out damaged, but unfortunately those fractures appear to be widening rather than healing.

Decades ago Medical staff use to care about patients, didn’t they?

Not in Psych institutions. It was pretty shitty, but then the government at each state level closed their state funded sanitariums. They called if Fiscal Responsibilty, which is a dog whistle for, we only want tax money going to our corporate owners and their lobbyists. Like they were horrid, but now the mentally ill that would be in there end up screaming at people on the street and doing hard drugs to cope. Which eventually lands them in prison, where I'm pretty sure they get treated worse than the patients in the mental hospitals of old.

Now add to that the stigma on mental health. Sure it's less than it was 3 generations ago, but only in the general public. I've heard stories hear about ER nurses being a lot kinder before finding out that the patient's wounds were self inflected, either SH or an attempt at suicide. Once the behavioral health piece is known, the patient is treated far worse.

I think that due to this stigma, the nurses in a psych unit are going to be self selected to be in the bottom of the curve on skills and just human empathy characteristics. This would explain the lion's share of mistreatment episodes that I witnessed where other patients were getting similar attitudes from staff. They (IMHO) are there because they can't get a nursing job elsewhere and the degree would be worthless if they changed fields. So they are trapped, and take it out on the patients. If you complain you get labeled an unreliable reporter (that's exact verbiage from my chart, btw) and then singled out for even harsher abuse. That is why I will take my chances out in the wild if I'm ever in crisis again. In fact, I'm so fucked up over this that I might never get over it because I'd likely off myself before that could happen. Not trying to be like threatening, but just realistic.

 

[LumberJack]

Maybe I should post in the other place.. I want you to know how good it felt that you talked (typed) with me yesterday trying to help and you did help. I haven't talked to anyone but the" have to " with sister and brother once in the last at least a couple of months. No adult to that cares, just holed up in my apartment. You're witty. You're a great guy, I can tell. I lurked here for a while because I didn't know where to start again. You changed my day for the better. I hope you can get some peace and sleep tonight. I often read and don't reply because I don't know if I'm helpful so I do know a fair bit about you and you deserve kindness and wellness. Hope this fumbled post to you is ok.

It's really great to me when someone says I said something that helped them feel better or imagine a way forward, so thanks for that.
I'm sorry if you feel like it's hard or in any way risky to respond. It just feels good to hear someone noticed.

Please know that I don't mind any kind of response. Being that all of us on SF are here for a specific reason, I take that into account. I know that I really struggle with tact and I don't communicate as well in written form because my style is very sardonic and you cannot see my facial expressions, lol. Given that I struggle with this, I take it upon myself to apply tact to everything someone says here, so even if you feel that maybe your communication doesn't feel quite right, that is fine for me. Just to reiterate, though, I read everything in your reply yesterday to be supportive.

I read something a long time ago so I don't remember the source, but it was. "Normies apply tact to everything they say, while nerds apply tact to everything they hear." I'm definitely a huge nerd, so that tracks.

 

[LumberJack]

I can't say how I'm feeling today. In my convo with a friend last night, I said that, from the inside, suicide does not feel like a rational decision to me. I remember from the few crisis states where I have been in really sensitive territory that I was not interested in exiting because I thought life was unsatisfactory and that the ratio of pain to happiness did not pass cost/benefit. Rather, it was because the pain was blinding to the point I couldn't think straight.

This leads to my impression that I'm definitely trending downhill, but it's about objectively real, serious problems. In the current state, it's less likely that I will truly spiral out of control as long as I push myself to do things in the right direction. So I did that Monday, Tuesday was worse, but today it's not quite that bad.

At the same time, though, the passive thoughts are all over the place. The intrusive thoughts are also there telling me that the pain will never end, I'm a terrible person, so just do it already. It feels very uncomfortable. It should be manageable as long as I keep busy with my hands so that I have a choice in what they do.

 

[TragicReality]

It's really great to me when someone says I said something that helped them feel better or imagine a way forward, so thanks for that.
I'm sorry if you feel like it's hard or in any way risky to respond. It just feels good to hear someone noticed.

Please know that I don't mind any kind of response. Being that all of us on SF are here for a specific reason, I take that into account. I know that I really struggle with tact and I don't communicate as well in written form because my style is very sardonic and you cannot see my facial expressions, lol. Given that I struggle with this, I take it upon myself to apply tact to everything someone says here, so even if you feel that maybe your communication doesn't feel quite right, that is fine for me. Just to reiterate, though, I read everything in your reply yesterday to be supportive.

I read something a long time ago so I don't remember the source, but it was. "Normies apply tact to everything they say, while nerds apply tact to everything they hear." I'm definitely a huge nerd, so that tracks.

Thank you. I'm in a bad space in my head or I'd be responding more but I hear you too.

 

[LumberJack]

Thank you. I'm in a bad space in my head or I'd be responding more but I hear you too.

great to read your typing although it would be better if you were in a neutral or even less bad state.

I'm worried that you might be beating yourself up, and I also feel like I am no one to talk about that to anyone else! I have no solutions, so I hope I can just commiserate w/ you.

 

[TragicReality]

great to read your typing although it would be better if you were in a neutral or even less bad state.

I'm worried that you might be beating yourself up, and I also feel like I am no one to talk about that to anyone else! I have no solutions, so I hope I can just commiserate w/ you.

I am beating myself up. I'm so sore and tired. I felt "triggered" today and yesterday. I appreciate your concern. Some people say the worst thing at the worst time. But I struggle with blaming myself. I'm sorry you're beating yourself up too.

 

[TragicReality]

I was feeling it, I'm going to stop this feeling somehow. So no.

 

[Inastorm]

Yes a little bit.

 

[meow124]

Yes, I am.

 

[LumberJack]

I feel like I've reached a point where I'm just waiting for death. I have no ambition or direction. Sadly I have more than a lot of drive, so I'm intensely restless. I won’t do it myself as long as I have conscious control. I do want to write a will and mention there that I’m better off not existing, so please celebrate my liberation from my meat-prison.

Kind of morbid. I get that and I apologize for nothing. 🤘🏼🪨

 

[Leesa]

Now I have yet another medical issue and am waiting for a specialist to call. Who knows when that will be with the holidays. My calendar for January and February is already full of multiple appointments on my days off. (I have TF off.) I would just like to have some freaking control over my life and death. I hate the holidays. I hate the life I have. The more efforts I make, the more problems head my way. I'm so exhausted.

 

[Leesa]

I feel like I've reached a point where I'm just waiting for death. I have no ambition or direction. Sadly I have more than a lot of drive, so I'm intensely restless. I won’t do it myself as long as I have conscious control. I do want to write a will and mention there that I’m better off not existing, so please celebrate my liberation from my meat-prison.

Kind of morbid. I get that and I apologize for nothing. 🤘🏼🪨

Sorry things haven't improved for you.

I did my will a year and a half ago or something. It was very basic but still money I didn't have. I'm glad it's done.

 

[1964dodge]

not suicidal but waiting to go home

mike