@Always Hopeless
I understand, though I know it doesn't help, I'm sorry and angry for what happened to you.
I understand, though I know it doesn't help, I'm sorry and angry for what happened to you.
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Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?
- Thread starter Petal
- Start date
Yes. No use trying to hide it. I don’t have access to a method yet, and I’m putting in a commitment to wait 24 hours before I start filling out background check paperwork. I don’t have a plan or a date scheduled, but I never do that for the grocery store, let alone something drastic.
That’s kind of what my depression is like today- I am not in charge of my actions, so why fuss with planning? These urges are not rational and they feel irresistible, meaning it doesn’t matter if it’s my choice or not.
What happens, happens. I feel terrible about the prospect of hurling the people who love me into the grief that comes to non-depressed people when they’re affected by a loved one’s suicide. I’m also failing to uphold my promises and the vows I have taken in my Buddhist community. The primary tenet is around Buddha-nature, which implies that we never give up.
I’m too tired, though. I’m honestly thinking about going to a cannabis dispensary, which in a rational state would be absurd. No way am I going in there and coming back out empty handed.
However, I know I want to do it because behind the curtain, I’m thinking that this will kick off a chain reaction that ends before my birthday next year.
That’s kind of what my depression is like today- I am not in charge of my actions, so why fuss with planning? These urges are not rational and they feel irresistible, meaning it doesn’t matter if it’s my choice or not.
What happens, happens. I feel terrible about the prospect of hurling the people who love me into the grief that comes to non-depressed people when they’re affected by a loved one’s suicide. I’m also failing to uphold my promises and the vows I have taken in my Buddhist community. The primary tenet is around Buddha-nature, which implies that we never give up.
I’m too tired, though. I’m honestly thinking about going to a cannabis dispensary, which in a rational state would be absurd. No way am I going in there and coming back out empty handed.
However, I know I want to do it because behind the curtain, I’m thinking that this will kick off a chain reaction that ends before my birthday next year.
It’s all about money with them. I would bet a month of my previous salary that “recovered enough” means that the insurance company was declining to extend the prior authorization.
Either way, your intuition that it’s pointless to be there is quite consistent with the evidence of my own experience.
Either way, your intuition that it’s pointless to be there is quite consistent with the evidence of my own experience.
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Oh, they appear to think they can diagnose mental illness and recovery by phone. Even after you have to spend a month in a psychiatric ward in hospital because you are so ill. Also, when I called them before now, in an emergency? I once didn't hear back until almost four o clock when I rang about half nine...
I don't think I've ever wanted to as much as today. Every time I pick myself up life kicks me down. Every. Fucking. Time.
I keep picking myself up but I'm not sure how many more times I can. Today my main thought is, if life is nothing but torture, maybe the only way to stop the torture is to give in. Stay down. Give it what it wants. Confess and say I'm beaten and broken. Maybe then the torture will stop? Seems like it will only stop if I make that confession actively with my method.
I'm not going to do anything. I will keep myself safe and try to get some sleep. I've made some food and just forcing it down myself.
But today? If there weren't consequences for others. Id be out of here in a stopped heartbeat.
I keep picking myself up but I'm not sure how many more times I can. Today my main thought is, if life is nothing but torture, maybe the only way to stop the torture is to give in. Stay down. Give it what it wants. Confess and say I'm beaten and broken. Maybe then the torture will stop? Seems like it will only stop if I make that confession actively with my method.
I'm not going to do anything. I will keep myself safe and try to get some sleep. I've made some food and just forcing it down myself.
But today? If there weren't consequences for others. Id be out of here in a stopped heartbeat.
In short, no. What a relief!
I put this somewhere else, but since I have been expressing serious urges here, I think it bears repeating in this thread.
I am not having the emotional pain that has been bothering me for several days. I am not feeling urges as a result, at least for today so far.
I’m feeling better after getting some support and insight from a couple very trustworthy friends. I am not as obsessed with the intrusive thoughts and I am tidying up my apartment. I am still exhausted from crying and the forest fire smoke is blocking the sun. It’s unpleasant to walk outside because I come home smelling like a campfire.
I put this somewhere else, but since I have been expressing serious urges here, I think it bears repeating in this thread.
I am not having the emotional pain that has been bothering me for several days. I am not feeling urges as a result, at least for today so far.
I’m feeling better after getting some support and insight from a couple very trustworthy friends. I am not as obsessed with the intrusive thoughts and I am tidying up my apartment. I am still exhausted from crying and the forest fire smoke is blocking the sun. It’s unpleasant to walk outside because I come home smelling like a campfire.