Suicide attempt

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Failure, Oct 30, 2015.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Failure

    Failure Well-Known Member

    EXTREMELY LONG READ








    So....I overdosed. 3 weeks ago on Sunday. I took a massive amount of pills, stayed in the ER in hospital for about 11 hours, got transferred to another ward and stayed there for 5 days, got transferred to a psych ward in another hospital and stayed there for about 14 hours, got sent to a mental ward in another hospital and stayed there for 12 days. I unfortunately didn't have enough time to hide myself before taking the pills so no one would find my body, so my mum found me and took me to hospital. I was shaking really badly. I had to sit in the car for 20 minutes before she started driving it, because she kept asking me what I took over and over again, even though I answered every time. She then started driving, yelling at me and asking if I was happy with what I had done. She kept saying that she hopes I'm happy, because now everyone will know what I did. She kept telling me that I would have to get my stomach pumped, and that it would fucking hurt. I don't remember getting to the hospital. I don't remember anything until I woke up the next day. I couldn't walk. I couldn't eat. I was hooked up to an IV, and apparently I had hallucinated for many hours and they had a lot of trouble getting the cannula into my hand because I kept hitting the nurses. I hallucinated pretty badly. I didn't get my stomach pumped because the medication had already dissolved. My mum was with me the whole time until the next morning because she had to go to work, but my dad stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital except for a few afternoons where he had to go home.

    I feel so guilty. My dad found out that I self harmed because the hospital gown didn't have sleeves. My attempt has affected him terribly. My mum too, although she doesn't show it. My mum took my phone as I sent two of my friends messages after I attempted. I don't remember what I sent them. Apparently I get my phone back tomorrow, although my mum has had it since I was sent to the hospital. My razor is in my phone case. I'm worried she will find it. Not that I don't have others, but that she will search my room. And I'm worried she will read the messages too, which I have no idea what they are.

    When I was medically fine, I was transferred to a psych ward in a nearby hospital. It was extremely boring. There was nothing to do, and they were so strict on everything imaginable. I was then sent to a mental ward in another hospital, which was a lot better. I got some school work done, my eating habits back to normal, I got put on a new antidepressant, and I met some amazing people that I will never forget. I was in there for 12 days, and I got discharged 3 days ago. I've been at my grandparents with my dad since, and I go home tomorrow for the first time since the overdose. It's strange, now that I'm out of hospitals. Driving in cars, popping pills, being outside for more than a few hours, staying in a house, even talking - all of it is strange. I have to get back into the routine of things again.

    I go back to school in 3 days. I have missed all my yearly exams, and even though I have extensions for them and for homework, everything is overwhelming. The school is doing the best it can to help me, and I have half days at school for the first week back. Everything is overwhelming, though. I don't know how my friends will react. Only two know that I was in hospital, and the real reason why.

    I have a lot of guilt I am carrying on my shoulders. My dad told me how he feels, and that he wants me to talk to him about my feelings, since I never told him. We figured out a plan, which is logical, so it should work. My whole family are shaken up about my attempt.
    Although, I mainly feel guilty for what my dog went though. She watched me tie a noose. I put her outside, and when she could hear me crying she did her best to try to get back into the house, but I shut her out.

    I have overdosed before, and I know that not many people die from it. But if I hadn't gone to the hospital, they said I would have died half an hour after I was admitted. And I know that it is the easiest way to take the easy way out. But I didn't want to be paralyzed if I failed my attempt, and I figured the way I took is the safest.

    I am so sorry for the long read. I don't really care if anyone reads this, but my only intention of putting this on this website is to get it out of my system.
     
  2. Reading your story was like reliving my second suicide attempt.. I know exactly how it feels to be in that place and although I know it doesn't make things better. I'm glad you failed. I would love to talk to you more if you would like to message me.
     
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member


    Failure, I am sorry that you went through that! No matter your reason, I am glad that you are here now, you have another chance at life, I do not know why you attempted, I am glad that you posted, right now I imagine things are pretty messed up for you, it seems that you have a good head on your shoulders, to me it seems that you will have some support, that is a plus, I hope that you decide to keep coming here there are a lot of people here that care, most of them I feel, no one here will judge you either, you will find that people here will support you, no matter how, no matter why, you did what you did to yourself! People are here for you. This Forum is a safe Place and it is one of the best places you could be in, I and others feel, it is almost like a family here, you can feel that comfortable here I believe, Please take care of yourself, believe it or not you are important, your life has meaning to us here and I am sure to your dog, yes your dog! I believe that you will get a lot of support from your father as well. Be Safe, Take Care of yourself! We are here for you I want you to be gentle to yourself as well! Please!
     
  4. Lilia

    Lilia New Member

    I tried to kill myself lastnight and it didn't work my mum knows I'm depressed but she doesn't believe in going to a doctor for it but I feel like I need to but I don't know how to say it to her.
     
  5. You know yourself better then other people can. It's ok to accept advice and criticism from others but there's a line where you need to trust your own intuition. Go see a doctor if you feel that it's the right thing to do, your mum will understand and to use a really old and cheesy adage, the right thing to do isn't always the easiest.
     
    3 people like this.
  6. Failure

    Failure Well-Known Member

    The past few weeks have been massive for me. I landed myself back in a mental ward, I changed psychologists four times, I moved out of my mum's house, I applied for a private school for next year and got in, I'm living with my grandparents, and my self harm has gotten a lot worse. My medication needs to be upped because it's doing nothing. I've finally settled down with a psychologist because I have been moving from house to house, but it is very stressful to tell my story over and over again. I had a few breakdowns over the past week, and the knives had to be hidden because I tried to steal them from the kitchen. I feel that I am going crazy and my suicidal thoughts have skyrocketed.

    I'm having nothing to do with my mum though, as she had been reported by psychologists and my family to facs numerous times and they decided I couldn't go home. I'm in a safe environment now, but it has been a huge change. I'm seeing my step dad and his family again, as my mum stopped me from seeing him, but now that his family is back in my life I am so grateful and happy. It's almost the end of the year - I don't know how I made it. The majority of my days are really bad days, and its not getting better, but somehow I am still here. I don't see any hope yet, and my sh and thoughts have gotten worse, but for some reason, I'm still here.
     
  7. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    Failure,

    You are here for a purpose, otherwise you would have been gone already.

    You took the biggest step, staying away from what was hurting you (you should be proud of yourself), start a new fresh life, you are surrounded by people that care and love you, you have hope and want things to be better, you are looking forward to a new school and it will be a great way to start all over again.

    I've never self harmed myself by cutting, usually I try to avoid commenting, as I have no idea how you feel or how it is like, please ignore my words if I'm way off :), I'm guessing it's a very addictive way to forget the pain temporarily, but after the effect is gone you need to do it again, making you anxious until you do it again, this makes you anxious and guilty all the time, which makes depression worst. Get help in one of those 12 step programs for addiction, I hear they are very helpful.

    Once I helped a woman friend that lost everything by letting her and her daughter stay at my house until she went back on her feet, she was scratching her face making it bleed every day until I explained to her that she was breaking her daughter and my daughter's heart by them watching it get worst. She was able to stop, the girls were very happy and she was happy, she had a beautiful face.

    I will keep you in my prayers, all the best for you! :)
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.