EXTREMELY LONG READ
So....I overdosed. 3 weeks ago on Sunday. I took a massive amount of pills, stayed in the ER in hospital for about 11 hours, got transferred to another ward and stayed there for 5 days, got transferred to a psych ward in another hospital and stayed there for about 14 hours, got sent to a mental ward in another hospital and stayed there for 12 days. I unfortunately didn't have enough time to hide myself before taking the pills so no one would find my body, so my mum found me and took me to hospital. I was shaking really badly. I had to sit in the car for 20 minutes before she started driving it, because she kept asking me what I took over and over again, even though I answered every time. She then started driving, yelling at me and asking if I was happy with what I had done. She kept saying that she hopes I'm happy, because now everyone will know what I did. She kept telling me that I would have to get my stomach pumped, and that it would fucking hurt. I don't remember getting to the hospital. I don't remember anything until I woke up the next day. I couldn't walk. I couldn't eat. I was hooked up to an IV, and apparently I had hallucinated for many hours and they had a lot of trouble getting the cannula into my hand because I kept hitting the nurses. I hallucinated pretty badly. I didn't get my stomach pumped because the medication had already dissolved. My mum was with me the whole time until the next morning because she had to go to work, but my dad stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital except for a few afternoons where he had to go home.
I feel so guilty. My dad found out that I self harmed because the hospital gown didn't have sleeves. My attempt has affected him terribly. My mum too, although she doesn't show it. My mum took my phone as I sent two of my friends messages after I attempted. I don't remember what I sent them. Apparently I get my phone back tomorrow, although my mum has had it since I was sent to the hospital. My razor is in my phone case. I'm worried she will find it. Not that I don't have others, but that she will search my room. And I'm worried she will read the messages too, which I have no idea what they are.
When I was medically fine, I was transferred to a psych ward in a nearby hospital. It was extremely boring. There was nothing to do, and they were so strict on everything imaginable. I was then sent to a mental ward in another hospital, which was a lot better. I got some school work done, my eating habits back to normal, I got put on a new antidepressant, and I met some amazing people that I will never forget. I was in there for 12 days, and I got discharged 3 days ago. I've been at my grandparents with my dad since, and I go home tomorrow for the first time since the overdose. It's strange, now that I'm out of hospitals. Driving in cars, popping pills, being outside for more than a few hours, staying in a house, even talking - all of it is strange. I have to get back into the routine of things again.
I go back to school in 3 days. I have missed all my yearly exams, and even though I have extensions for them and for homework, everything is overwhelming. The school is doing the best it can to help me, and I have half days at school for the first week back. Everything is overwhelming, though. I don't know how my friends will react. Only two know that I was in hospital, and the real reason why.
I have a lot of guilt I am carrying on my shoulders. My dad told me how he feels, and that he wants me to talk to him about my feelings, since I never told him. We figured out a plan, which is logical, so it should work. My whole family are shaken up about my attempt.
Although, I mainly feel guilty for what my dog went though. She watched me tie a noose. I put her outside, and when she could hear me crying she did her best to try to get back into the house, but I shut her out.
I have overdosed before, and I know that not many people die from it. But if I hadn't gone to the hospital, they said I would have died half an hour after I was admitted. And I know that it is the easiest way to take the easy way out. But I didn't want to be paralyzed if I failed my attempt, and I figured the way I took is the safest.
I am so sorry for the long read. I don't really care if anyone reads this, but my only intention of putting this on this website is to get it out of my system.
So....I overdosed. 3 weeks ago on Sunday. I took a massive amount of pills, stayed in the ER in hospital for about 11 hours, got transferred to another ward and stayed there for 5 days, got transferred to a psych ward in another hospital and stayed there for about 14 hours, got sent to a mental ward in another hospital and stayed there for 12 days. I unfortunately didn't have enough time to hide myself before taking the pills so no one would find my body, so my mum found me and took me to hospital. I was shaking really badly. I had to sit in the car for 20 minutes before she started driving it, because she kept asking me what I took over and over again, even though I answered every time. She then started driving, yelling at me and asking if I was happy with what I had done. She kept saying that she hopes I'm happy, because now everyone will know what I did. She kept telling me that I would have to get my stomach pumped, and that it would fucking hurt. I don't remember getting to the hospital. I don't remember anything until I woke up the next day. I couldn't walk. I couldn't eat. I was hooked up to an IV, and apparently I had hallucinated for many hours and they had a lot of trouble getting the cannula into my hand because I kept hitting the nurses. I hallucinated pretty badly. I didn't get my stomach pumped because the medication had already dissolved. My mum was with me the whole time until the next morning because she had to go to work, but my dad stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital except for a few afternoons where he had to go home.
I feel so guilty. My dad found out that I self harmed because the hospital gown didn't have sleeves. My attempt has affected him terribly. My mum too, although she doesn't show it. My mum took my phone as I sent two of my friends messages after I attempted. I don't remember what I sent them. Apparently I get my phone back tomorrow, although my mum has had it since I was sent to the hospital. My razor is in my phone case. I'm worried she will find it. Not that I don't have others, but that she will search my room. And I'm worried she will read the messages too, which I have no idea what they are.
When I was medically fine, I was transferred to a psych ward in a nearby hospital. It was extremely boring. There was nothing to do, and they were so strict on everything imaginable. I was then sent to a mental ward in another hospital, which was a lot better. I got some school work done, my eating habits back to normal, I got put on a new antidepressant, and I met some amazing people that I will never forget. I was in there for 12 days, and I got discharged 3 days ago. I've been at my grandparents with my dad since, and I go home tomorrow for the first time since the overdose. It's strange, now that I'm out of hospitals. Driving in cars, popping pills, being outside for more than a few hours, staying in a house, even talking - all of it is strange. I have to get back into the routine of things again.
I go back to school in 3 days. I have missed all my yearly exams, and even though I have extensions for them and for homework, everything is overwhelming. The school is doing the best it can to help me, and I have half days at school for the first week back. Everything is overwhelming, though. I don't know how my friends will react. Only two know that I was in hospital, and the real reason why.
I have a lot of guilt I am carrying on my shoulders. My dad told me how he feels, and that he wants me to talk to him about my feelings, since I never told him. We figured out a plan, which is logical, so it should work. My whole family are shaken up about my attempt.
Although, I mainly feel guilty for what my dog went though. She watched me tie a noose. I put her outside, and when she could hear me crying she did her best to try to get back into the house, but I shut her out.
I have overdosed before, and I know that not many people die from it. But if I hadn't gone to the hospital, they said I would have died half an hour after I was admitted. And I know that it is the easiest way to take the easy way out. But I didn't want to be paralyzed if I failed my attempt, and I figured the way I took is the safest.
I am so sorry for the long read. I don't really care if anyone reads this, but my only intention of putting this on this website is to get it out of my system.
, I'm guessing it's a very addictive way to forget the pain temporarily, but after the effect is gone you need to do it again, making you anxious until you do it again, this makes you anxious and guilty all the time, which makes depression worst. Get help in one of those 12 step programs for addiction, I hear they are very helpful.