Suicide... Solution

[dosFREAK]

I have been a member of this forum since my late middle school days in 2006, and at 33, I'm hanging in ruins, with the reaper traveling at full throttle because suicide is the only way out. After an argument with decades of manipulation and gaslighting from my mother, she has gaslight me again that her blood pressure was 192 to silence me, and all I see is my grave. ⚰️🪦

I hope my days of suffering can finally come to an end, and I'm laid to rest. I made it through bullying in high school but my fiancée died of the COVID plague in October 24th, 2021, exactly 11 years after my step-grandfather died of complications of a heart attack. I never thought I would return here, nearly two decades of suffering later, and I hope that is the last of it, as I'm laid to rest, with the reaper at full throttle with the bottle. I wanted to die of a heart attack when I was most depressed a few years ago, but anything that can lay me to rest is welcome. After all of this manipulation I just want peace, and peace that doesn't come from living.

 

[kyupie]

I'm so sorry for all the loss you've experienced throughout your life. I don't think you realize how strong you are for being able to push through all of the things you have faced, I am proud of you! I truly hope you will find some sort of peace outside of suicide, you're still young and deserve better than this.

 

[dosFREAK]

Thank you... I have You're No Different by Ozzy Osbourne on vinyl as we speak. I've been bawling in tears since the day he died... I just hope I can make the full move to Japan one day; I'm proficient at the language and like Max Payne, I have nothing to lose. My mother and sister making Dallas an impossible proposition to live in. Too horribly hot, and need wine just to get through tonight... I know this may come as weird, but RIP Ozzy 1948-2025. He got me through high school... And anime, too, when nobody else had my back...

 

[kyupie]

I don't find it weird. Whatever you're using to get through your troubles is valid and I'm very happy you have something that brings you such joy! That's what makes life living, after all I'm wishing good things your way.

 

[dosFREAK]

Thanks...I'm drinking at least a full bottle of wine to get through tonight... My mother really has laid down the manipulation on me, and my narcissistic father has paid prostitutes $500/day, and he has the audacity to bother me when it is convenient for him...

 

[Lekatt]

Suicide is never an end. We are eternal. We grow as we master our thoughts and emotions. There are many methods to help do this. The simplest one is to do affirmations. No matter how you feel about yourself and the world you are always safe and secure at all times everywhere. You are eternal.

 

[dosFREAK]

Thanks. I have dealt with decades of manipulation, lies, and gaslighting, and yet here I am, somehow... Hungover from last night, but I was very close to dying after Caitlin died. Two bottles of sake, nearly died, but somehow I'm still here...

 

[dosFREAK]

And now, my mother is giving me a nasty Hitler face as she wants me to continue to be her service bot for this supposed "business" we're supposed to be running, but she lied about the commissions, doubling down on her lies, and has been giving me nasty Hitler faces when she doesn’t get her way. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

 

[dosFREAK]

Rather, nasty scowls* that she is still giving me, even after being her unpaid postal service bot for her business today. didn't know how to word that earlier, sorry.

 

[dosFREAK]

I have some good news; the conflict was resolved, now I'm dealing with run-of-the-mill depression. After a toxic Reddit thread I made tactful, and diplomatically without accusation, and being told

 

[dosFREAK]

"You cancelled because the seller didn't respond to you for several hours? You're the problem." really had me question my record hobby.

 

[dosFREAK]

Sorry about that, accidentally hit "reply". I never thought I'd feel hopelessness on something that used to bring happiness. Discogs and eBay experiences for the rarer records had me wonder is all of this worth it, if I can get a vintage game quicker from even the sites with the most red tape. While Discogs 4-day red tape, and what feels to be buyer-hostile culture wanting me to quit the hobby for good...

 

[Lifeisthis]

Im so sorry about your loss. Suicide is never the answer we are here for you. Every step of the way. Even a threpist sorry I know im a terrible speller but can help you. Anytime you want to talk we will be on here and watch you get you on your feet again. Take things slowly grieving is a process

 

[dosFREAK]

Im so sorry about your loss. Suicide is never the answer we are here for you. Every step of the way. Even a threpist sorry I know im a terrible speller but can help you. Anytime you want to talk we will be on here and watch you get you on your feet again. Take things slowly grieving is a process

<mod edit: method> now as it is just standard run-of-the-mill depression. What was in very dark territory isn't quite there that intensely today,
but not doing ideal, either. I thought I was doing well with Dr. Hill's teachings, and I never thought I'd be here again, but one thing that was not explained is the
human condition, and that these feelings can and do happen when exposed to this kind of distress. Discogs' toxic community does little to help. I thought I'd find
a sense of community over there, but all I found were just bad apples, rotten to the core behind dollar signs. Hold your money hostage, and tell you what you wanted
is out of stock, or take a whole century to ship it. The whole thing is insanely absurd that you are not allowed to have a say, and have a say, get attacked by a whole
legion of Discog goblins, it is so surreal, and absurd all at the same time... It's like if the vintage PC community had a record-collecting cousin that is just as hostile,
and makes leaving 'em behind the best choice...

 

[Lifeisthis]

We will get u on your feet again. Couple suggestions besides talking to positive people. Go too meetings or church or yoga? Make sure you get good sleep exercise. If you watch TV watch postive things nothing to wild.

 

[dosFREAK]

We will get u on your feet again. Couple suggestions besides talking to positive people. Go too meetings or church or yoga? Make sure you get good sleep exercise. If you watch TV watch postive things nothing to wild.

I just need to get to work of what consists of my Definiteness of Purpose, illustrated in Dr. Hill's Think and Grow Rich.
As I have started a class for the graduation fall semester of my university, that's what I'm doing, and I now work for
a small game development studio as a level designer. On my off time, I have my rediscovered hobby of records after
Ozzy unfortunately died of a heart attack, and I had a premonition the night before he died that he was about to die, but
I did not think that this rediscovery from my high school days of my favorite albums and collecting back what I traded
would spell depression the way it did. A haunting memory of the past came with that. It was around 2008 I started
collecting vinyl records from one of my best friends, and I already had several CD's, so naturally, I checked out what
was being shamed to death, come to love the punchy sound quality I got, and started to collect more albums, even
newer ones on vinyl. I do have a few positive friends. I will just focus on them, and cast the rest aside, as upon
reflection, I don't need a toxic community as much as a few supportive, positive influences that even Dr. Hill
advised to have in his philosophy to cut through all of the noise of negativity around. I can do without the
"Discogs community", I just want my vinyl in peace, and do things according to my terms...

 

[Lifeisthis]

Music is great. Im really glad you got it. Music is very healing for the soul. Collecting vinyl is very cool.

 

[dosFREAK]

Music is great. Im really glad you got it. Music is very healing for the soul. Collecting vinyl is very cool.

Thanks! I appreciate that! I usually go for analog-sourced vinyl, but that meant hunting down an NM copy of
Paranoid, not without return headaches on eBay from deceitful sellers who can't seem to disclose the condition,
and when I found something I wanted on Discogs, yeah, it's NM, but either it is out of stock, or it just never ships,
and I have to demand my money back. But now I message those sellers before paying, and if they don't
respond, I grab it at eBay, as local stores are always out, except for those Rhino 2016 "remasters" that are
not faithful to the original tape. It's okay, though, I have a good one finally coming my way after all of that shopping drama...

 

[Lifeisthis]

Really happy you have music! What other music do you like?

 

[dosFREAK]

Funny you ask that; video game soundtracks. I even have a Bomberman Hero soundtrack on vinyl, and I thought

"No way, this is too good to be true!"

so I picked it up, and will definitely go towards my phone, where the rest of my vinyl rips are. Anything
from NES to the early 2000's are the soundtracks I usually like, many RPGs, and some just classics, like
Castlevania III. There's an Atari Pokey version of it on YouTube, and that's creative gold, not gonna lie.