Support About Dissociative Identity Disorders & Thearpy

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by HawkHood, Nov 28, 2013.

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  1. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    I'll try and keep this short, seeing as it's my first real topic, and I''m not well known for brevity!

    These last few weeks have been so hard. I've had various other stresses, but most importantly I've been starting some experimental therapy with the NHS (England) regarding what seems to be DID that came to light after some counselling for substance misuse (alcohol) at the start of the year. It makes sense of a lot of past problems and some CBT and counselling failures so I've tried to embrace it. I also have a psych nurse supporting me, so all in all I'm at the hospital 3 days a week now.

    It's very intense. Much more intense than I expected. As someone with a qualification involving neuroscience and psychology I find it awkward that I never really saw what was going on in my own life. More than anything, I just feel lost lately. I've had serious panic attacks this week that have been worse than ever before. To me, it's like starting the therapy where my alters (I still even feel uncomfortable using that word) are being directly addressed. It's made me realise how little control I actually feel in my life. It's starting to make me realise that sometimes, I'm not even who I think I am. It's making me question everything about myself and it's bringing up some very distressing feelings. I've barely slept in the last few days because I'm actually scared.

    I feel like in the therapy I can't speak sometimes, as if I'm being gagged. I feel like I'm not even there sometimes and I don't know what's happened. I also just feel so much emotional pain right now. Nothing specific, just a lot of pain, and panic and fear.

    I'm so scared of continuing with this. I feels like putting myself through the gauntlet, but I don't know how else I can ever hope to be happy and have the life I want. I've been so dysfunctional for so long, and yet I feel like I'm doing something so wrong by doing this, like I'm going to lose a brother, or a child, or something.

    It's so painful and I just need to know there's hope. I need to know this is worth it. I've not cried so much as I have in the last few weeks for a long time. I've not felt so uncomfortable. I want to run and hide.

    I'm just looking for reassurance, support, and somewhere I can express this. I want to do this, and I keep getting told it's courageous, but I don't feel that. I just feel scared.
  2. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i hope you can make it work for you- and i hope you get something out of it

    the only thing i will say, diffrent things work for diffrent people- their is also a chance you're not ready for it

    keep posting here if it helps
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It is normal that you are scared and yes this therapy can be very intense, especially at the beginning. You mention being at the hospital 3 days a week now. Are all 3 days dealing with the DID. If so, maybe they are pushing a little too hard. You may need a little time in between for things to settle down. I know there are several beliefs on how to proceed with therapy. One I went through was a solid 2 weeks intensive therapy. I felt worse during this time frame than I felt when the actual trauma that lead me to needing the therapy occurred. I wasn't sure I would survive it, but I did and am better off for it. This was not on an outpatient basis though. Had it been I would not have survived it. Stay open with your support and therapy team. They need to know how it is affecting you so they can determine how to continue and which direction to go. You can get through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will not be an easy journey, but your destination is worth the trip. :hug2:
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    As Gentlelady said, I think it's important for you to try and communicate how you're feeling with your therapist. It's possible that, for just starting out, 3 days a week is a bit too intensive for you, but that's something they'd have to decide with you.

    I know it's extremely painful; I've got a friend who's also dealt with DID and who has gone through therapy. There's hope, and what you're doing IS courageous, but it won't feel like it right away. It's okay (and completely normal) to be scared, but you can make it through this. Keep communicating with the mental health team, and post here as much as you want to. My PM box is always open if you ever feel like talking.
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I know that when I had therapy, the first few weeks were absolutely awful because it makes you address things that you have tried to put at the back of my mind for so long. It was extremely painful, but as time progressed I learned how to cope with my demons and worked through my issues one by one. My first cycle of therapy was very successful and even to this day I am still better off for it. It will seem hard now, and feel like torture but there is light at the end of the tunnel and it won't always feel this bad. What you are doing is very courageous, and also shows that you ARE in control because you are taking charge of your illness and seeking help for it.
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