I'll try and keep this short, seeing as it's my first real topic, and I''m not well known for brevity! These last few weeks have been so hard. I've had various other stresses, but most importantly I've been starting some experimental therapy with the NHS (England) regarding what seems to be DID that came to light after some counselling for substance misuse (alcohol) at the start of the year. It makes sense of a lot of past problems and some CBT and counselling failures so I've tried to embrace it. I also have a psych nurse supporting me, so all in all I'm at the hospital 3 days a week now. It's very intense. Much more intense than I expected. As someone with a qualification involving neuroscience and psychology I find it awkward that I never really saw what was going on in my own life. More than anything, I just feel lost lately. I've had serious panic attacks this week that have been worse than ever before. To me, it's like starting the therapy where my alters (I still even feel uncomfortable using that word) are being directly addressed. It's made me realise how little control I actually feel in my life. It's starting to make me realise that sometimes, I'm not even who I think I am. It's making me question everything about myself and it's bringing up some very distressing feelings. I've barely slept in the last few days because I'm actually scared. I feel like in the therapy I can't speak sometimes, as if I'm being gagged. I feel like I'm not even there sometimes and I don't know what's happened. I also just feel so much emotional pain right now. Nothing specific, just a lot of pain, and panic and fear. I'm so scared of continuing with this. I feels like putting myself through the gauntlet, but I don't know how else I can ever hope to be happy and have the life I want. I've been so dysfunctional for so long, and yet I feel like I'm doing something so wrong by doing this, like I'm going to lose a brother, or a child, or something. It's so painful and I just need to know there's hope. I need to know this is worth it. I've not cried so much as I have in the last few weeks for a long time. I've not felt so uncomfortable. I want to run and hide. I'm just looking for reassurance, support, and somewhere I can express this. I want to do this, and I keep getting told it's courageous, but I don't feel that. I just feel scared.