Tell me change is possible.

[UrbanRose]

I've been dealing with depression for a few months. I start to improve, but that doesn't last. I keep falling back into it.

I'm getting worried that this is different from times I got depressed in the past. I'm starting to think that I might not recover. I go back and forth about telling my doctor. I don't know this doctor very well. He's new at my clinic.

A few hours ago, I looked up some phone numbers of places providing therapy. I will call later today. I have little hope that seeing a therapist will change anything, but I'm going out of my mind. At times, I feel frantic that I'm in some kind of a jam that there's no getting out of.

I'm home alone all the time. I make no effort to get involved in anything, though there's lots going on where I live. I feel like I'm starting to become crazy.

Just tell me this misery will end eventually.

 

[1Lefty]

Hi @Urban Rose
I think your misery will end, that it will change, it has in the past
There is always hope, I'm glad you're seeking therapy
I think a good therapist can help, but even the best therapist can take time before results are apparent
The new doc may prove to be helpful, but again, may take time
Getting out and getting involved is something a lot of people find helpful, it may work for you
Allow some time for changes to develop, and hold on till they do
Remember we're here for you

peace

 

[Lekatt]

I believe change is possible for all that desire change. The one thing that helped me to change was affirmations said or read twice daily. You can make up your own or choose from the many on the Internet. The most famous one is: "Everyday in every way I am getting better and better."

The ones I used can be found at: Affirmations.

 

[Atreides]

Not only is change possible, it's inevitable. Change is the only thing that truly is inevitable. And I feel optimistic about the direction you're going. You're taking care of yourself by seeing a therapist. And remember SF is here for you.

 

[Survivorist]

Dear @UrbanRose

seems to be a little bit like my situation. First depressive phase: nearly 7 months, then I got out. Of it all - with a lot of sport, fasting, no alcohol, no cigarettes and long walks. I thought I was strong again. Then out of "good humor" I just drank one beer. Out of this I made one of the biggest errors in my life and became sick again. Second phase of Depression (and I am only talking for the period 2022 - 2024, ok?), was from August to December last year. Now since X-mas all good things came back - sport, fasting, not drinking, not smoking, reduced medication. I am nearly done.

Looking back on all my years - I think today its a constant up and down. There is not a lot we can do - except being aware of the first signs to fall back. I have built a fence around me. So I know, when I do not do my regular sport - attention. When I want to eat something - attention. And still I know that 100% sure it will come back. And this although I have nothing to fear and no reason for depression. I have my regular income, live in a nice country, have friends, family, do a lot of shit like paragliding, judo etc. But it comes back. I know that now. Therapy does not help me (had already too much) and my doctor has become my friend - I just tell him openly what I need.

But I am happy that the times of daily roller coaster are over. I had this for years. I could be in the best humor in the morning and come home completely depressed in the evening - because I took my work too seriously. Like a baby. Now I am out.

What I want to say with this is - courage. Fight. Do what is good for you. And if you fall down - stand up again. It will work if you try. And as time goes by, it will get better. Promise. I hope you get the idea. All that is good for you - do it.

 

[may71]

The misery will end eventually and change is possible.

Getting the change you want may require trying a variety of treatment methods, and may take some time, but the change is within reach.

 

[UrbanRose]

I just made an appointment to see my doctor on Monday. I have zero confidence that this will lead to me getting any help. But I'm desperate. I can't allow myself to be blown off as not really meriting the assistance I need.

When I've talked about struggling with depression in the past, my clinic has said they'ld refer me. Then I never heard anything. This happened at least twice. I have a right to be helped. This is what I'm telling myself.

Now, I must force myself to do something constructive - like shower, dress and get some things done. Sitting here frozen is only making things worse. Not leaving my apartment is making things worse. I have to make an effort.

 

[may71]

I have a right to be helped.

Yes!

When I've talked about struggling with depression in the past, my clinic has said they'ld refer me. Then I never heard anything. This happened at least twice.

It's really disgraceful that they've dropped the ball like this.

 

[UrbanRose]

Today I did call my primary care clinic. They gave me an appointment to see my new doctor on Monday morning. I have low expectations. But this is a start.

If my doctor doesn't propose something that gets me connected to some support, I'm going to refuse to be brushed off. If he pledges a referral and it doesn't materialize, then I'm going to keep contacting him, until something is arranged.

I don't need a ton of attention. But I'm not getting anywhere on my own. I won't be left to just flounder like this. They've never provided me with a therapist. It's time to try something like that.

 

[may71]

Today I did call my primary care clinic. They gave me an appointment to see my new doctor on Monday morning.

I hope this goes well.

 

[Kiwi2016]

I am so glad that you reached out to your doctor and are resolute in being heard!!! That is half the battle sometimes. I am sending you positive vibes and thoughts for your appointment on Monday!

 

[UrbanRose]

Thanks for the posts. I hope I'm not kidding myself about the prospect of getting some help. Somehow I don't have much faith in the system to do anything.

 

[may71]

Somehow I don't have much faith in the system to do anything.

Sometimes you can get help even if you have to struggle with the system. You can also sometimes get help outside the system.

 

[UrbanRose]

Sometimes you can get help even if you have to struggle with the system. You can also sometimes get help outside the system.

No system of healthcare is ideal. I recognize that. It takes advocating for yourself to get the most out of any medical network.

Some things they push on you. Like mammography. I stopped getting mammograms because they can produce false positives that set you up for terrible anxiety and unnecessary surgery. I also know they save lives. But I have made my decision, as is my right, yet they keep lecturing me on the benefits of mammography. I think it's a money maker for them.

They tell me that breast cancer can cause premature death. Well . . . so can depression. Yet, they don't worry about that. It's not a money maker for them.

So I have to go after what I need and not accept being ignored.

 

[may71]

I think it's a money maker for them.

I can't speak about the specific issue of mamography, but unfortunately the healthcare system is not always exclusively or even primarily driven by devotion to positive patient outcomes.

Well . . . so can depression. Yet, they don't worry about that.

They've really failed you, I'm sorry. If a patient says, "I'm depressed", that really should be all it takes to set in motion a process that leads to adequate treatment.

 

[Dante]

They tell me that breast cancer can cause premature death. Well . . . so can depression.

I do think breast cancer is something to look out for, but I just love the sass in this You are absolutely right and they should pay attention to what you already have right now.

You asked for hope that this will end, well, I don't ever want to tell people "This will end, you will be happy" I found those people so very annoying when I was depressed. It just felt like naïve bullshit to me, but I will always say that it can get better. I sit here as living proof. I was up and down with depression my entire adult life, I even shut down for a bit in 2010, but in the beginning of 2021 it ended. I found my "answer". Its taken me some time to figure out the details but I know exactly why I was depressed now and how to prevent it. I also know Im not the only one on this forum to have beaten depression. It can be done, its just about holding on until you figure it out.

 

[UrbanRose]

I'm holding on.

 

[Kiwi2016]

I'm holding on.

And please take to heart- that you matter and you are not alone. And kudos to you for your resolve to be heard!

Agree with you fully on the health care system--- there are the beginnings of treating MH as importantly as PH which is encouraging but ways to go alas.... sending s.

 

[UrbanRose]

I have seen a therapist 3 times. My doctor referred me to a psychologist that I'll see this week.

From yesterday to today, I've gotten much worse. This is like a slow motion nightmare. I no longer believe that this is bound to blow over. I used to have that faith. Been thru this before. Now, I'm too isolated for too long.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I never found professional help to be very helpful in the past. I had bad depression before. I pretty much had to work my own way out of it. It feels like I have no fight left.

I keep going back to bed. I'm sore from lying here. Maybe getting into a bath would feel good. I really need help. I need to not be this alone. But going to a hospital would be useless.

I even think of hiring someone to just sit here in my place. If there was someone else here, I would be able to go do the dishes. While I'm alone, I can't manage to stay off the Internet. I feel less isolated when I go into Cyberspace.

Maybe I need some sedating drug to calm down my mind. I tried lots of stuff in the past. The stuff didn't help.

 

[LonelyHiker]

@UrbanRose

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. I understand, and I can relate. I spent thousands on meds and counseling/therapy. None of it really helped much. Like you, I've been in the fight pretty much on my own for 40 years or more. I don't talk about it anymore, except here (and not much here, even) because people don't really care or understand, for the most part. They don't want to be bothered with it.

Do you have a pet? I have a cat, and he gives me more comfort than any of the people I know (except my son). And caring for him gives me comfort as well. Just a thought.

I just wanted to say I hear you and I'm sorry you're hurting 😞