Practical Advice That place between wanting to recover and wanting to die. (existential crisis)

[Kokosflinga]

Hi all,

I have been in some kind of purgatory space of depression lately. After a brush with death in october, I am no longer actively suicidal and do not really see it as an option. I am also not feeling better or honestly, seeing any point to recover. But what do you do after "failing to off yourself" but also failing to live? Seeking tips, tricks and advice on attempting to find the point!

Short backstory to why I feel depressed; I have had recurring depressions for at least 15 years, some worse than others, but no less than once a year. Sometimes when life gets tough, but sometimes when all is fine. I feel suicidal even when I am not depressed too, at least once a month. I obvioulsy do have some problems in my life, being involountarily childless and unemployed at 32, plentyfold sexual assault and incest survivor, child of an abusive alcoholic, bullied at school, former pill popper and general self destructive person, however I sincerely do not think that is what I am depressed about anymore, if you would believe that.
I feel that what I have is not a chemical imbalance or any destructive patterns. I feel that what I am dealing with is an existential crisis. I do not know my purpose, I have no goals or dreams, I see no greater good in me staying alive, without me the world would be better or at least indifferent as a whole. Most of my feelings are related to big-picture-stuff, philosophical questions. My life is, and has been, very difficult. When I debate life in my own head, I am having a hard time finding the point to all of this suffering. I do not know why we all are fighting so hard to stay alive when so much in this world is painful and broken.

I don´t know how to start any kind of journey towards recovery. The thing is, a journey needs a goal, and I have none. Motivation, meaning and a sense of purpose is missing from my life. I still have all the signs and behaviours of depression; apetite-problems, sleeping issues, lack of energy, ghost-pains, brainfog, dark thoughts etc. I feel like I am stuck in the middle between living and dying. Either one requires an active desicion on my part. Can anybody relate to this, or is it just wierd? If you know what I mean, how did you get past it?

Somehow I get forgetful between episodes, and do not remember how I got out last time. I feel like it is time to make a desicion, I can´t just float along like this anymore. I feel like either desicion would be better than this directionless, pointless, and numb nothingness. I need some advice on how to find some meaning, and I do understand that purpose is very personal but I would really love to hear what you find meaning in.

Your personal purpose may not be mine, but I am very much interested in learning how you figured out what yours is!

 

[Sonder]

I can 100% relate to what you are feeling.
Firstly, anything without a purpose is pointless. Life would be pointless if there was no purpose and, there is no purpose other than what the purpose we make for ourselves.
Now we can decide we do not want to have a purpose and end our life or we can create a purpose for ourselves.

Personally, I found that purpose for myself to be happiness. My purpose is to be happy. My goal is to pursue happiness daily. Today I pulled a card from my happiness box, it said to inflict change through out the day, so I am wearing a T-Shirt to work, I went to Frank & Honest to order a drink I have never had, some chai latte. It was great, I force my mind to stick to that experience today to try and stay happy. Today.

Not all pursuit of happiness's have to involve civilization, or money, you can create the effect locked up in a 2x4 prison cell.

What I am trying to say is that you must try and become the puppet master of life, control it, do not let it control you. Find your happiness, your purpose, your goal.

Find out what you like doing, a hobby, an activity then pursue doing that. Keep your mind busy as I suspect you suffer from depression. Depression minds need to be occupied or they will drive you sad.

If I was you, I would reinvent myself. I know it is easier said than done and you had a difficult life, but what else can we do but start new, fresh and over and aim to create a better world mentally and physically for us so that we cna start enjoying this planet.

 

[Kokosflinga]

I can 100% relate to what you are feeling.
Firstly, anything without a purpose is pointless. Life would be pointless if there was no purpose and, there is no purpose other than what the purpose we make for ourselves.
Now we can decide we do not want to have a purpose and end our life or we can create a purpose for ourselves.

Personally, I found that purpose for myself to be happiness. My purpose is to be happy. My goal is to pursue happiness daily. Today I pulled a card from my happiness box, it said to inflict change through out the day, so I am wearing a T-Shirt to work, I went to Frank & Honest to order a drink I have never had, some chai latte. It was great, I force my mind to stick to that experience today to try and stay happy. Today.

Not all pursuit of happiness's have to involve civilization, or money, you can create the effect locked up in a 2x4 prison cell.

What I am trying to say is that you must try and become the puppet master of life, control it, do not let it control you. Find your happiness, your purpose, your goal.

Find out what you like doing, a hobby, an activity then pursue doing that. Keep your mind busy as I suspect you suffer from depression. Depression minds need to be occupied or they will drive you sad.

If I was you, I would reinvent myself. I know it is easier said than done and you had a difficult life, but what else can we do but start new, fresh and over and aim to create a better world mentally and physically for us so that we cna start enjoying this planet.

Thank you for taking the time to reply so in depth, I really appreciate it!

It seems that you are saying that you decided that happiness is your purpose. May I ask what made you decide that, how did you choose? I am completely on board with that logic, that one has to decide on a purpose, I just do not know how to get there.

As for your day today, you can add this to your change-making-list! Thanks!

 

[JDot]

I don't believe in an objective purpose to life. In other words I don't believe the universe or a higher being placed us here for a reason. I believe we choose what the purpose of our life is. As for me the purpose of my life is to help people. I used to feel everything was meaningless until I found helping people made me happy. That's why I like to volunteer and why I'm studying to be a social worker. I found here that I enjoy being there for people. So I started volunteering for crisis text line. I also started volunteering at the rape crisis center because of my sister who was molested.

 

[Kokosflinga]

I don't believe in an objective purpose to life. In other words I don't believe the universe or a higher being placed us here for a reason. I believe we choose what the purpose of our life is. As for me the purpose of my life is to help people. I used to feel everything was meaningless until I found helping people made me happy. That's why I like to volunteer and why I'm studying to be a social worker. I found here that I enjoy being there for people. So I started volunteering for crisis text line. I also started volunteering at the rape crisis center because of my sister who was molested.

Thank you, I appreciate that! I think it could be argued that being of help to others might be an objective purpose though. Idk, I obviously do not have the answer.

 

[Sonder]

I can echo to what JDot said above, she explains what I am trying to say better.
I searched for the meaning of life for many years and finally realized that it is happiness. Happiness is what everyone wants, they all just achieve it in different ways, by different means differently all the time.

Often just the pursuit of happiness makes one happy.

I searched for many years for the true God, because religion gives you that goal and purpose, however I could not find a true God to worship and die for so. So through my religious, belief and psychological studies I realized life is much more simple than I thought, the answers to questions are simplistic as is existence. the most complex thing is my own, mind, lol

 

[Sonder]

So find a goal/purpose then while you work towards that goal or purpose sprinkle daily sparkles of happiness in your life.
example, next year I want to take a trip to Cuba, while getting there, I have a chai latte today and tomorrow I will take up a hobby, the day/week after...... bla bla bla. Goal + Purpose = Happiness
Happiness= Meaning of life.

 

[Kokosflinga]

I hear what you are saying. I´m pretty deep in the depression right now. I do know I have interests and things I like normally, it´s just hard atm. Either those things that used to make me happy don´t, or I can´t focus long enough to actually do them, my hobbies are coding and oil painting, both require quite a lot of brainpower. I think the distraction part may be all I can do at the moment.

I know I will feel happy again. I just can´t afford to see that as my purpose, as that would mean my unhappiness would be a reason to "go". I think that is honestly why I am asking the question at all. If I am unhappy/depressed such a huge chunk of my life, and happiness is the purpose, I am failing miserably. I need to find another one, one bigger than my individual self, if possible.

 

[BlueGreen]

I would set small little goals, not even every day if that is too much, just so you feel something positive on a regular basis. When I was single and working in a toxic environment in my 20's, my purpose became travel. It gave me a light at the end of the tunnel, something to think of, to get away from that place. Even though I knew it was temporary it was all that kept me going. At other times in my life it was art and then I took up different things, joined classes or taught myself something. It depends on you and what you like. If you can't think of anything now, what did you like as a child? Sometimes something as simple as a book can take you out of your reality and break your thought patterns.

 

[BlueGreen]

I hear what you are saying. I´m pretty deep in the depression right now. I do know I have interests and things I like normally, it´s just hard atm. Either those things that used to make me happy don´t, or I can´t focus long enough to actually do them, my hobbies are coding and oil painting, both require quite a lot of brainpower. I think the distraction part may be all I can do at the moment.

I know I will feel happy again. I just can´t afford to see that as my purpose, as that would mean my unhappiness would be a reason to "go". I think that is honestly why I am asking the question at all. If I am unhappy/depressed such a huge chunk of my life, and happiness is the purpose, I am failing miserably. I need to find another one, one bigger than my individual self, if possible.

I took up oil painting a couple of years ago and now I love it. If you can't face anything big, just play with colour. Maybe do something like mixing colours. It's a cliche but the first step is really the hardest. Maybe just writing here and chatting will help you connect? We are always ready to advise , but seriously, there is always someone here who will listen and always someone going through similar things. This forum really does help. Try not to worry about purpose. Distraction is a good start.

 

[mfor]

Give up on trying to find meaning to life. Everyone will give you a different answer, and you're unlikely to be satisfied with any. You may end up just taking an answer out of desperation, and regret it in the end.
There is no definite meaning to it that you will find while you are alive. You find it when it ends. When you analyze how you took your life, when, as they say, 'it flashes before your eyes'. That's when you take a look at yourself and how you lead your life and ask yourself 'Am I satisfied with going like this?'. Some people think 'not yet', some people think 'not like this', many of them just curse themselves or those around them. When you decide on the course you want your life to take, you may want to ask yourself that. You will die one day. What do you want to feel then? Will you sing My Way? Will you think 'How did it come to this?' Life has hardships, but the main meaning of life is something you find when it ends, when you ask yourself whether you are truly attaining peace of mind. 'I'm ok with it ending like this, I am satisfied' Are the words you want to tell yourself.

 

[Sonder]

If you are deep in depression then anything I have said will at the very least be overwhelming.
If I was not on medication, I would not be able to even read this forum, never mind relying to it.

I highly suggest you consult your GP, speak to him/her and perhaps get some help with your depression. If you have severe depression then you need to fix that first. You might and will still get or be depressed after medication but at lest you will be able to be more productive in creating happiness, be it through coding or painting or something new.

Just understand that this is not you. You are being tied down by depression. We/You must find a way to break out of the severe depression state.

You say you want to find another purpose something bigger or better than being happy...... Well then lets look at your problem from a different side..

Name 3 purposes that you can see is valid for other people. I will give the first one.

1) To worship and praise God and I will get entry into Heaven.
2)
3)

 

[Kokosflinga]

If you are deep in depression then anything I have said will at the very least be overwhelming.
If I was not on medication, I would not be able to even read this forum, never mind relying to it.

I highly suggest you consult your GP, speak to him/her and perhaps get some help with your depression. If you have severe depression then you need to fix that first. You might and will still get or be depressed after medication but at lest you will be able to be more productive in creating happiness, be it through coding or painting or something new.

Just understand that this is not you. You are being tied down by depression. We/You must find a way to break out of the severe depression state.

You say you want to find another purpose something bigger or better than being happy...... Well then lets look at your problem from a different side..

Name 3 purposes that you can see is valid for other people. I will give the first one.

1) To worship and praise God and I will get entry into Heaven.
2)
3)

2) Raising happy kids
3) Helping other people/animals

You are right about the depression bit. I will be starting treatment again on thursday. I understand that meds are a good solution for some, I have not had a good experience however. I have tried a bunch of different therapies and meds previously. I am not against it, but I am doing a psychiatric investigation (I am sorry, this is surely not the correct word for it, I am not a native english speaker) during which I cannot be medicated. The results may be skewed if I medicate. I also feel like my doctor should at least have a working hypotheses about what I am being medicated for, as I suspect I may have a diagnosis (due to my regular relapses these last 15 yrs) before starting trials. I have a tendency to lack impulse control and get super suicidal when I start new meds. So I want to be sure this time that we are not just trying meds blind, as I will likely need to be committed to hospital during that time.

 

[Kokosflinga]

Give up on trying to find meaning to life. Everyone will give you a different answer, and you're unlikely to be satisfied with any.

This is probably true, and I feel like it is what you all have been saying. And you are right, I do not feel satisfied knowing the purposes of others, but I do feel hopeful that some people feel that they have one, even if it isn´t in a spiritual/global kind of way. That means I am capable of that feeling too.

 

[Sonder]

That is good to hear that you will start your treatment. Medication is not for everyone, personally I do not like medication at all but for my depression I don't know what I would have done without it. At least get the opinion from a GP, and different medication works differently on different people.
The first pills I got made my suicidal x1000. I went to my GP and said you better change these meds or I will kill myself. I was pissed off, took medication for depression and suicide and it made things a lot worse, however, this is common and you have to be monitored for the first few months and if the effects change or is not working then the medication needs to be changed.
Also the medication needs to be taken for a specific time period if the purpose is to rewire your brain. If you stop taking it, the treatment has to start from scratch and possibly with different meds so make sure that you have the time to fully commit.
I am not native English either, no worry about that, lol

---------
All 3 of our examples for goals/purposes leads to personal happiness.
Perhaps think about what will make you happy, what you need or want and then make that your goal or purpose.

I feel for you.... You need help, a friend, assistance... this is not easy... Please keep in touch, don't disappear I want you to please update us/me on your progress, it will greatly help our knowledge on depression.

 

[Kokosflinga]

The first pills I got made my suicidal x1000. I went to my GP and said you better change these meds or I will kill myself.

It can be a huge help, particularly when the worst bits hit you. I´m sure there are still things I could try, I just want it to be worth it, and for a limited time if possible.

erhaps think about what will make you happy, what you need or want and then make that your goal or purpose.

That is some great advice, thanks. I will meditate on that. It was very helpful to step out of myself for a bit there.

I will keep in touch!

 

[may71]

Sorry that you're going through this

I have had recurring depressions for at least 15 years, some worse than others, but no less than once a year

Do you tend to get suicidal at a particular time of the year?

I need some advice on how to find some meaning

It may be that something that is going on on a physical level is making you feel this way. A treatment method might help.

There's a lot more to treating depression than just meds. The links in my signature have some information about treatment methods.

Acupuncture, Chinese herbal medicine, and traditional Chinese dietary therapy are three of my favorite treatment methods. I can try to say more about any treatment method if you are interested.

Here's a copy of the links in case you couldn't see them
Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia and General Help
Acupressure Self-Massage for Depression, Insomnia, and Anxiety

 

[Lane]

Give up on trying to find meaning to life. Everyone will give you a different answer, and you're unlikely to be satisfied with any. You may end up just taking an answer out of desperation, and regret it in the end.
There is no definite meaning to it that you will find while you are alive. You find it when it ends. When you analyze how you took your life, when, as they say, 'it flashes before your eyes'. That's when you take a look at yourself and how you lead your life and ask yourself 'Am I satisfied with going like this?'. Some people think 'not yet', some people think 'not like this', many of them just curse themselves or those around them. When you decide on the course you want your life to take, you may want to ask yourself that. You will die one day. What do you want to feel then? Will you sing My Way? Will you think 'How did it come to this?' Life has hardships, but the main meaning of life is something you find when it ends, when you ask yourself whether you are truly attaining peace of mind. 'I'm ok with it ending like this, I am satisfied' Are the words you want to tell yourself.

Disagree. You won't take your life. Continue to search for your passion and meaning. Others are giving basically just their opinion, even what I've written.

 

[Kokosflinga]

Do you tend to get suicidal at a particular time of the year?

It can differ, but I feel like it generally is the worst when the daylight hours dramatically change in fall or spring. I live in a country where it is dark for around five hours at night in summer and dark up to 20 hrs in winter. I think this affects me more than most.

 

[may71]

It can differ, but I feel like it generally is the worst when the daylight hours dramatically change in fall or spring. I live in a country where it is dark for around five hours at night in summer and dark up to 20 hrs in winter. I think this affects me more than most.

I think they have "happy" lights that you can buy now that might be worth a try