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The biggest lie I ever told was that I'd be okok

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by YellowTulips, Jul 23, 2016.

  1. YellowTulips

    YellowTulips Active Member

    Its been three months since my baby was born sleeping

    At first I was numb
    Couldn't speak , kept busy, lied that I was OK

    Now, i can't fake that anymore
    Every waking moment my mind is consumed and I feel so alone

    I had to quit my counselling
    I tried to bring it up however counsellor moved the topics to something else which angered me

    I'm angry at myself in many ways
    I'm so alone in many senses
    I don't know how to work through this. I have so much going on and no idea where to start

    I just don't know

    (This is my first post,sorry its so blunt and not a hello or anything just yet)

    (I'm sorry for your pain and struggles too- thanks for reading and be safe)
  2. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. The people here have do much love to help you. They have big hearts. Hugs
  3. blacknblue

    blacknblue Well-Known Member

    Yellowtulips I am so sorry for your pain and can only imagine how deep it must be. Please find another counsellor, one who will allow you to discuss your loss and help you work through it. You are not ok yet but you will be. There are many people on this site who will listen and care - me included. Please keep posting. Take care my thoughts are with you - big hugs
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry for your loss. *hugs* Can you go to another counsellor?
  5. YellowTulips

    YellowTulips Active Member

    Thank you everyone
    i'm not eligible for counselling here, only cognitive-behavioural help and support, which isn't ideal for this. I will look into voluntary organizations soon, once i'm through this awful block in the road

    I'm just hoping I can find a way around it.
    I appreciate your comments and support.

    I've been feeling a bit lost and just feeling like throwing in the towel which i'm afraid might worsen. (Depression, feeling hopeless) So I thought i'd come and talk to people who understand so It doesn't get to that point, hopefully.
    My thoughts come and go, come back, and I push them away again. But there's only so long I can do that by myself.. I have a huge lack of support
    I have no-one professional to turn to. I have tried and no one has been in touch with me... not brilliant... for my feelings of being alone & isolated with everything going on
    I have too many stressors and worry about everyone else on the planet before myself.
    I'm too sensitive I think, then I start to crumble down and I feel some days , I ask myself how long can I keep on? keep on like this, but just keep on?

    I'm safe right now. Just thinking ahead, and worrying that one day it'll get too much (Been here before)
    but I will keep posting and let some of this out and see if hopefully I can start to feel better

    I also found out yesterday that a 6th friend has committed suicide ( Way too many, right?)
    so i'm trying to take all of this in too.

    It feels like a constant motion of stressors and disasters in my life and me in the middle spinning trying to work things out, help, and just getting lost in this maze

    I try and sleep and all thoughts go through my mind of.. why? why did they do that
    Why did this happen.. why is this happening? what if I wake up and something else? could I have stopped it? - typical grief just at an all at once constant and I'm not as strong as everyone thinks! (so called friends, aquaintances, professionals, etc.)

    I am the lady who will always force a smile and hide tears and only speak 1/4 of what's on my mind.. my problem...

    I'm going to ask about medications again. Not been on a medication for a long time and i'm feeling like I have no choice.
    Thanks for reaching out
  6. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry for the loss of your friend. Hugs.
  7. YellowTulips

    YellowTulips Active Member