The cause of my pain...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by trying2live, Aug 12, 2013.

  1. trying2live

    trying2live New Member

    Okay this is going to be a long one, but I have nowhere else to put it.

    I have been married for 7 years and I love my husband dearly. We have a 2 year old daughter and we are stationed on the East Coast. I am going through a major depression right now and getting both counseling and medical treatment for it. Most times I'm ok but other times I am not. Here are some reasons why:

    1. Since he was 18 he was the provider for his family (mother, brother, sister and her kid) so when we married (2006) they hated me instantly. His sister hated me before that because she was one of the people who used to bully me in junior high. Well fast-forward from 2006 to now and it has gotten worse. The brother married someone and she and the sister are so close. The brothers wife and I live no more than 30 minutes apart and the sister in law lives 7 hours away. She and I were getting to know one another until the sister in law broke that up and effectively made the girl hate me too. It's so sad because our daughters are 1st cousins, same age, and they would love to see each other as often as possible. The sister in law even went as far as to say my 2 year old is nothing to her. Gosh that hurt so much. The brothers are ok with one another it's just the women.
    2. I'm a military spouse and we move quite frequently (every 3-4 years). It used to be semi-easy for me to make friends and meet people. Since I've had our daughter in 2011 I have become a hermit. I am so isolated and very sad. My husband had a coworker who was married and my husband encourage me to break out of my shell and meet his wife. I did meet her and first impression was decent. They were syrup drinkers (codeine, jolly ranchers, and sprite) and I hate drugs! Also, at the time I was 6 months pregnant and they offered me drugs and I was so disgusted I left. We ended up living across the street from them and within months she changed. She told all of our surrounding neighbors not to speak to me and probably told them a lie and they all isolated me. At the time I was dealing with post partum depression and she knew it and made everyday life extremely difficult.
    3. My sister and I are 7 years apart and she was always like my second mother when my mom was working 3rd shift when we were growing up. I always looked up to her and have admired her forever. The thing is, she doesn't feel the same about me. I try to reach out to her and she rushes me off the phone or hangs up on me, but she is so open and welcoming to strangers, neighbors, and other family. We had an argument and she yelled at me and told me "that's why everybody hates you" That is the same thing the bullies used to tell me everyday. "Everybody hates you". It's like I'm disgusting or not worthy of her love or anyone else's.
    4 The biggest thing is this, I was raped when I was 14. A neighborhood teen waited till I was alone one evening (he had been watching my house) and forced himself into my home and assaulted me. The next day at school he kept following me and calling me "*****". I was dealing with enough then this happens? My behavior changed rapidly. I became depressed and suicidal. The teasing at school from my peers and having no friends was unbearable. My mother took me to counseling to find out why my behavior had changed so suddenly and after one session she never took me home and flushed my antidepressants and told me I was just a manipulator. I am still very hurt over this and I find it hard to cope daily. During this period, I began cutting and still do to this day.

    These are the 4 things that are troubling me to the point I cannot bear it anymore. I always fantasize about how to kill myself and how great it would feel to just be set free. Since the rape and subsequent bullying I have never healed. No one believed me and no one got justice for me. I still carry the pain in my heart and in my mind. I have the physical and emotional scars that were left from the pain I have endured.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun you say you are a military wife hun get your husband to get you a councilor that deals with trauma ok that will help you heal from bullies and from rape
    You daughter hun you hold onto her ok she will always love you and as for the rest of ignorant people around you just walk away ok I hope in time if your husband does get reposted you are able to meet good people and not people who harm hugs