The Climax!

[headrushh]

I like to compare my feelings to a book.

Where everything builds up and the climax is just nearing, and nearing.

But my climax, as I swear on my great grandmothers grave, is near!

I'm so alone, and friends have betrayed me, and I already feel dead to those around me. I just want this pain to finally explode so I can feel content! But, I can't.

I just hope something tragic happens to, getting hit by a car, or something happens. I just don't want to live anymore. I have dreams where gruesome, some of which unimaginable things being done to me until my death!

I can't take this. I can't take these headaches and pain everyday. :[

 

[Marshmallow]

I have dreams where gruesome, some of which unimaginable things being done to me until my death![

sometimes dreams relate to our real lives, and im just wondering has anything significant happened in your past to make you feel like this and think about death?

dreams are often a sign/message from the brain and it represents something in our life at present or in the past, maybe trying to figure out what this dream represents may help in someone way.

i would suggest maybe getting some professional help if you havnt all ready done so, or maybe emailing the samaritans if you dont allready. i have emailed the samaritans and found them to be very helpful

i hope this helped in some way, this is my first piece of advice on this forum, i only joined today so im a bit new to all of this

 

[headrushh]

i haven't gotten professional help yet. and, frankly, im too timid to ask for it.

and, no. nothing traumatic has happen, a big death in my family, i was never abused or anything, well physically by other people. the worst things have just been my self-harming and low self esteem, which right now seems like nothing. but, for some reason, it is for me.

thanks for the help :]

 

[Marshmallow]

i felt exactly the same way about asking for help, although i did have my aunty there for support, but i think you should at least try and talk to your doctor because they can help, they can set up a meeting with a psychiatrist for u to be 'assesed' and then your doctor can decide about anti depressents and wether they would have a positive affect you on, depression is a chemical inbalance in the brain and with the right help and medication it can be helped

i too have low self esteem, and i feel i have no reason for being this depressed, and it seems like you feel this way too, but the fact is that people can get depressed over anything and in some cases their is no cause for it, because the depression is 'chemical' some people dont have a reason its just the chemical reactions in the brain that causes the way you feel.

try making an appointment with your doctor and try talking to him/her abotu how you feeling, it will be hard to talk to him/her but it can be done because iv done it, and after talking to my doctor i felt alot better because i knew help was 'on the way' if u wanna put it like that. but this can be sorted but you have to make the first step by seeking help :smile:

 

[Skye]

Hiya headrush,

I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting. Just wanted to let you know that I can relate to much of what you said in your initial post. I've often compared my feelings to a book, or a film even.

My mind likes to try and trick me into believing that OTHER people are waiting for my "climax" also...as if THEY are looking forward to the end (my end) too. But y'know...that is NOT the case. At all. As long as I acknowledge that my mind is playing these "tricks" and I stay on top of them, I manage to delay the climax. I hope that makes sense.

The only advice I can give is not easy. It's to hold on. Just hold on. An hour, minute or second at a time if you have to.
When it feels like the end is drawing near again...hold on again. And again. And again.

There is more strength in all of us than we know.
Sorry that I cannot do more to help.
You are in my thoughts.

Skye

 

[headrushh]

Skye,

It does make sense in a way. (Often, I compare my feelings more to films as well.)

I can say, even though I have low self esteem and I do other mentally harming events, I have a strong sense of self. If that's the way I want to explain it. Most people call me 'witty' 'quick' and all sorts of other stuff. Maybe that's my spirit that keeps me holding on..but on the inside, my mind is, like falling apart. I've been holding on, as of late, (trigger, maybe?) when I hold my belt/rope or whatever I plan to use for my..climax, I just remember how my head felt when I tried to hang myself mulitple times before..I didn't like it. And I've been holding on.

It's not easy, I know. But thanks for the thought :]

 

[Skye]

I can say, even though I have low self esteem and I do other mentally harming events, I have a strong sense of self. If that's the way I want to explain it.

I've been described (and would perhaps even go so far as to describe myself?) as having a strong sense of self, also. By no means do I wish to stray from your topic here, but I'm trying to give an example of what I mean; I am a drug addict and an alcoholic. I also live and work in a pub. This, to me, is ridiculous. It must seem ridiculous to others too, I'm sure. The fact that this is a dangerous situation for me is also one of the reasons I am comfortable here. I know my tendancies, I know the way I/my mind works and so somehow I also know how/when to say "no".

I've been holding on, as of late, (trigger, maybe?) when I hold my belt/rope or whatever I plan to use for my..climax, I just remember how my head felt when I tried to hang myself mulitple times before..I didn't like it. And I've been holding on.

When faced with temptation to use drugs or drink, I force myself to remember how I was feeling when I last used/drank. I, too, remember that I didn't like it. In fact, I hated it. I felt awful. Perhaps remembering the way your head felt last time will help you out some? I know that this suggestion may also appear ridiculous...but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is NOT one size fits all.

You seem like a strong and intelligent person. I hope you can "see" that I wish you well.

Skye

 

[headrushh]

I've learned, it's that life is NOT one size fits all.

That made me smile, because it's most intellegable and wise, in my eyes.

I'm glad to see someone who kinda relates the ways and hows of where I'm coming from. I've enjoyed responding to you, Skye. :]

I wish you well, as you wish me well.

I wish everyone could find companionship with people so often like this. In reality. I wish I could find something of that, that meets what I'm looking for. Maybe that's what most people need, a cure for loneliness, and that's when suicide and other objects of harm come into play.

It's strange. I get these suicidal feelings and depressive feelings, and I analyze why I feel this way. Then, I'll feel better. Then, I get back into this slump. It's like climbing up a mountain of mud, and you just keep falling.

Thank you!

 

[Skye]

Not sure about intelligible or wise, Headrushh! Just the way I see it, that's all. It's actually a comfort to me also, that you can relate to what I'm saying. I suppose it could just as easily be said that people are not one size fits all...neither are ways of thinking...the list goes on.

Maybe that's what most people need, a cure for loneliness, and that's when suicide and other objects of harm come into play.

I'd agree with you on that. Time spent alone is when I think most of us are at our lowest. Sometimes it works the opposite way for me too, though ~ I guess a "balance" is what's needed.

It's strange. I get these suicidal feelings and depressive feelings, and I analyze why I feel this way. Then, I'll feel better. Then, I get back into this slump. It's like climbing up a mountain of mud, and you just keep falling.

That paragraph could have come straight from my mouth! I'm afraid I have no ways to combat this...other than the afore mentioned "hold on". Just know that I understand perfectly what you mean. You're NOT alone.

I have enjoyed talking to you also, Headrushh. I hope to speak to you again soon, honey. :smile:
My love and best wishes to you.

Skye