The Futility of Therapy

[Lady Wolfshead]

Okay I admit the title is clickbait. I've had over five years of therapy and I believe it gave me the ability to live a functional life - to go to school, get married, work a job.... But I do wonder about its limitations. I mean, I was abused mentally and emotionally for a good portion of the 19 years before I left my mother's house. I won't go into details but it was tremendously damaging. The abuse combined with my religious upbringing convinced me I was a bad person who deserved to go to Hell and that I was selfish (a word I had heard applied to myself thousands of times, since I was old enough to understand words) and unacceptable in every way.

But here's the thing - I don't just want to work a 9-5 job. I want to write good stories and books. And writing digs into your soul and exposes all those dark secrets, awkwardness and deficiencies. Can therapy REALLY make me so whole as a human being that I can be fully creative? And yes, I know that many famous writers came from tough backgrounds, but I'm talking about overcoming directed personal attacks on a daily basis. Words used as swords - so how can I trust words now? Also, it's been shown that writing (from journaling to fiction writing) does actually have some mental benefit. However, the only way to know whether abuse will hamper creativity is to compare how many successful writers there are from backgrounds of child abuse COMPARED to how many people from the same backgrounds do not succeed. And then in turn compare that to writers from decent backgrounds. Those statistics don't exist. Same applies to writers with depression. It's not the fact that there are many writers with depression that's important. It's how severe it is, how many succeed compared to failing, and how many succeed compared to those who are more mentally healthy.

And I fully realize that none of this really shows whether or not *I* will succeed, but it couldn't hurt for me to see myself as deeply lovable and worthy, in order to allow me to take risks like approaching an agent or publisher. I feel like in order to see myself like that, I pretty much have to see EVERYONE as lovable and worthy, because my mind won't accept that I might actually be better than anyone else, except maybe someone who tortures animals or abuses children because I don't do those things. So yeah... everyone is lovable and worthy. A fairly simple concept. So what did therapy do for me again?

I admit it's late here and I'm rambling. But my whole life, even with therapy, I have suffered from deep feelings of shame and failure. I'm just not sure the well of creativity in me hasn't been affected in some way that's beyond repair. If only I just wanted to have a job like most people, accumulate material possessions and retire rich. Look good on Facebook. But no, I want a deeper life.

 

[may71]

You are deeply loveable and worthy.

 

[A_J_R]

I feel this in a lot of ways. I want my life to have profound meaning too, but sometimes it's hard to understand what that means or what it looks like (for me).

I will say I'm not sure the writers background necessarily helps? Meaning, some writers are tortured, some are not. But lots of great writers succeed either way, while the same applies to great writers who don't succeed (by succeed I mean are published or are known for their work in a bigger way). I wonder if "becoming whole" would hamper creative output? I find I work the best when I'm depressed. So, it's like a double edged sword in that I want to find happiness or peace, but when I'm depressed I tap into something deeper and for me, usually more meaningful.

But the ultimate fact is, just as May71 stated, you are absolutely worthy and actually really easy to love. I hope that whatever your struggles are, you find a happy medium for your creativity and talent as well as your emotional well-being.

 

[Daphna]

Okay I admit the title is clickbait. I've had over five years of therapy and I believe it gave me the ability to live a functional life - to go to school, get married, work a job.... But I do wonder about its limitations. I mean, I was abused mentally and emotionally for a good portion of the 19 years before I left my mother's house. I won't go into details but it was tremendously damaging. The abuse combined with my religious upbringing convinced me I was a bad person who deserved to go to Hell and that I was selfish (a word I had heard applied to myself thousands of times, since I was old enough to understand words) and unacceptable in every way.

But here's the thing - I don't just want to work a 9-5 job. I want to write good stories and books. And writing digs into your soul and exposes all those dark secrets, awkwardness and deficiencies. Can therapy REALLY make me so whole as a human being that I can be fully creative? And yes, I know that many famous writers came from tough backgrounds, but I'm talking about overcoming directed personal attacks on a daily basis. Words used as swords - so how can I trust words now? Also, it's been shown that writing (from journaling to fiction writing) does actually have some mental benefit. However, the only way to know whether abuse will hamper creativity is to compare how many successful writers there are from backgrounds of child abuse COMPARED to how many people from the same backgrounds do not succeed. And then in turn compare that to writers from decent backgrounds. Those statistics don't exist. Same applies to writers with depression. It's not the fact that there are many writers with depression that's important. It's how severe it is, how many succeed compared to failing, and how many succeed compared to those who are more mentally healthy.

And I fully realize that none of this really shows whether or not *I* will succeed, but it couldn't hurt for me to see myself as deeply lovable and worthy, in order to allow me to take risks like approaching an agent or publisher. I feel like in order to see myself like that, I pretty much have to see EVERYONE as lovable and worthy, because my mind won't accept that I might actually be better than anyone else, except maybe someone who tortures animals or abuses children because I don't do those things. So yeah... everyone is lovable and worthy. A fairly simple concept. So what did therapy do for me again?

I admit it's late here and I'm rambling. But my whole life, even with therapy, I have suffered from deep feelings of shame and failure. I'm just not sure the well of creativity in me hasn't been affected in some way that's beyond repair. If only I just wanted to have a job like most people, accumulate material possessions and retire rich. Look good on Facebook. But no, I want a deeper life.

Reading your post reminded me of one of my favorite writers as a young adult. Edgar Allen Poe. I imagine he had a hard life bc his writings were so dark, but his talent shines through. Writing to me is the talent of being able to paint a picture in someone’s mind. It’s expression in the highest form. I think trauma helps to magnify the talent bc it’s so relatable and full of feeling. I think you’ll do great and I look forward to reading your stories.

 

[johnDoen]

@Lady Wolfshead, I would say go ahead and write, regardless. It would start with a lot of chaos, as writing is a skill. I mean I managed to keep my scores in literature just above average so that I could graduate from high school.

I think it doesn't matter much to compare yourself to others. There are too many things we don't know about others to make a good comparison about, so it usually make us feel bad about ourselves.

We are equal by blood and pain. All are worthy, according to Odin.

And therapy was horrible for me, so I ended up having constant suicidal thoughts.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

@Lady Wolfshead, I would say go ahead and write, regardless. It would start with a lot of chaos, as writing is a skill. I mean I managed to keep my scores in literature just above average so that I could graduate from high school.

I think it doesn't matter much to compare yourself to others. There are too many things we don't know about others to make a good comparison about, so it usually make us feel bad about ourselves.

We are equal by blood and pain. All are worthy, according to Odin.

And therapy was horrible for me, so I ended up having constant suicidal thoughts.

Thanks. I will definitely continue writing - it's addictive in a way

Sorry you had a bad experience with therapy. I wonder if it was the therapist?

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

You are deeply loveable and worthy.

Thank you so much

I feel this in a lot of ways. I want my life to have profound meaning too, but sometimes it's hard to understand what that means or what it looks like (for me).

I will say I'm not sure the writers background necessarily helps? Meaning, some writers are tortured, some are not. But lots of great writers succeed either way, while the same applies to great writers who don't succeed (by succeed I mean are published or are known for their work in a bigger way). I wonder if "becoming whole" would hamper creative output? I find I work the best when I'm depressed. So, it's like a double edged sword in that I want to find happiness or peace, but when I'm depressed I tap into something deeper and for me, usually more meaningful.

But the ultimate fact is, just as May71 stated, you are absolutely worthy and actually really easy to love. I hope that whatever your struggles are, you find a happy medium for your creativity and talent as well as your emotional well-being.

Awe, thanks. I do find creativity healing and would continue to write even if I knew I would not become a "big name."

And I certainly think and believe that everyone has one creative talent or another, and that pursuing it increases health and well being.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

Reading your post reminded me of one of my favorite writers as a young adult. Edgar Allen Poe. I imagine he had a hard life bc his writings were so dark, but his talent shines through. Writing to me is the talent of being able to paint a picture in someone’s mind. It’s expression in the highest form. I think trauma helps to magnify the talent bc it’s so relatable and full of feeling. I think you’ll do great and I look forward to reading your stories.

Thanks I definitely like reading stories from people who've experienced trauma because someone who has processed their trauma often has deep empathy.