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The guy with the fake smile

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by bobbyisfeelingdown, May 9, 2013.

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  1. bobbyisfeelingdown

    bobbyisfeelingdown New Member

    I can't say that I imagined finding myself on a site like this, but I feel so near the end and so hopeless I don't know what else to do.

    A few years ago I started a business with two business partners, and at first it seemed as though we were going to conquer the world with our ideas and our ambition. Our company is an innovations company and it has still not gotten anywhere, despite all the work I've put into it. Because it was a start up and my one partner was already in business doing contract janitorial work, I took a job with him cleaning until our company took off. It is now more than Three years since and I have gone from cleaning offices to cleaning a school.

    I absolutely hate Janitorial work. It is the most demeaning and degrading work I have ever done, but I've stuck with it in part because my partner needs an employee with my skills and because I hoped that my loyalty would be worth something.

    See, I consider myself a fairly smart guy. I study quantum physics and politics in my free time, and because I have hundreds of ideas I've come up with and written down, I figured that I would have some value for those skills. However, most companies I have every worked in don't want to hear your ideas when you're the low man on the totem pole, so taking the entrepreneurial route seemed like it was really for me. But, I suck at accounting and administration, have no savings and my credit is beyond terrible... which seems to be the only things that matter when you want to start a business of your own.

    Since I've started, I've been evicted from two of my workshops, one of which was being rented by my partner and his parents (his parents decision), and landed moving to a very small community a half hour away from where I was living before. I was asked if I wanted to take a job cleaning the school here. If I did, he was going to cover part of the rent on an old cabinet maker's shop, which I needed to continue working on our prototypes. Now here's where things start to get a bit uncomfortable. I am no stranger to this small community in a sense, because I lived here when I was a little boy and many people know my parents and remember me as a boy. But, my parents had trouble paying bills and moved over thirty times before I left home for college, so despite all the niceties and pleasantries I receive, I cannot help but feel as though I am already judged. Plus I'm gay, and this little bitty town has three churches that almost everyone attends.

    I thought I could deal with it, so I settled in and started using the workshop to work on our latest creation; a board game.

    Although it isn't our million dollar idea, it seemed like it would be easy to get our start with, so I've spent literally hundreds of hours working on the rules and the graphics for it, to the point where it is complete and is playable. So, Two weeks ago, I pulled everything together and began a crowd source fundraising campaign to get the start up funds to start making it ourselves, which requires some specialized tools. For a few days everything felt great. I thought people would jump all over this thing and I could finally say goodbye to being a janitor. But today, I have not received a dime from family or friends or the public and I'm still sitting at zero. Because my credit is bad, there aren't many other options, and I don't make enough to actually put enough money away to make it happen for at least a year and a half... but what does it matter? If no one can put ten dollars towards our fundraising campaign, why would they buy it?

    Now, I feel utterly trapped where I'm at with no prospects for the future, stuck in a town that isn't exactly gay friendly and I've got no one special in my life. I always figured there would be time once I got my business started and actually had the time to give to someone else.

    I took a look at the wanted ads in the paper and online and nearly cried, because I've spent the last three years as a janitor and now I've got nothing on my resume. And I don't want to work another job. I want to work for myself. Inventing and tinkering.

    I've also become very distant from all of my friends and barely talk to them anymore except for the odd 'like' on facebook. Even when I put out a call for help by saying that I'm frustrated at all the closed doors I keep turning into, no one has any words of support or guidance.

    I'm scared because I can't see tomorrow. I'm up to my ears in overdue debt. My taxes are a few years behind. I don't enjoy socializing with people or making small talk anymore, and I do everything I can to avoid the staff at the school, which they've noticed. Now, when I do see them, most won't even return my hello's.

    When I left home, my parents had already put me in debt by putting my name on their bills, so I've never really had access to any kind of funding to do any of what I've dreamed about. And even then, I left home with dreams of becoming an actor and filmmaker.

    I don't want to commit suicide, but now my mind keeps on going there, because I don't know how to go on anymore. I don't know how to face tomorrow and fix all the problems that are on my back. Nothing brings me joy right now. Nothing brings me hope that everything will be alright. I cannot stomach the thought of another day cleaning up after disrespectful children who wipe their asses and throw the paper on the floor, or who spray their soda pop all over the place and smoosh brownies into the floor. Everytime I do go in, I get so angry that I break things like my vaccuum cleaner and rush as fast as I can to get out of there, only to come home to the workshop that was supposed to start it all and find that I have nothing to use it for.

    What do I need to hear? I don't even know. I hoped writing this would help, but I'm so lost and hopeless. The only thing I enjoy anymore is sleeping, and I wish I could just go to sleep and stay there.

    Thanks for letting me get this out on this forum. Maybe it will help that I've written it down.

    I am the guy with the fake smile and no one knows how I feel inside all alone.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know you feel all alone i too feel that way. It is so hard to reach out for help when was is in such a dark place iget that. You are not alone really it is just your mind your depression making you thing that. I hope you reach out to crisis lines your doctor here community church to anyone ok Knowing you are being heard helps but there are people who can and will guide you to a place where you can get support hun. You just need to reach out ok hugs
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