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The history of my return...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Perrin, Apr 7, 2014.

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  1. Perrin

    Perrin Member

    3 years ago, after a bad break-up that triggered every bad feeling I stored for a long time, my parents put me in a shrink. I was depressed, barely leaving the room, barely eating, seriously suicidal...
    My shrink helped a lot. After the first 5 or so months of hell, we moved on from how I shouldn't kill myself to some actually social problems I had. Until now, comparing to how I was when it started, it has been going great. A success story!
    Apparent success.

    Though I've been better, lately I've been realizing this feeling is more of a lie... I've done this often, making myself believe everything's better than it is, while bad stuff boils inside of me. It's what made me burst after the break-up.
    Now I fear that terrible feelings have been piling up again, for 3 years, instead of being resolved. I guess it's because I'm a good liar, especially to myself, I hide my feelings way too well...

    I used to be quite suicidal but, during those 3 years, I've gotten so used to those thoughts it has become second nature.
    If anything bad happens, no matter how small, my first thought is suicide. I've dreamed about it so many times the word has lost its power... And I don't know if that is good or bad. It's good because I am at a lesser risk overall, but its bad because if something really bad happens, I'll just look at suicide as something trivial, and it will be easier to complete it...

    I've ignored this feeling, as I ignore many many things, and I'm starting to notice it again! Looking at my life, my future life, what I'm studying right now, the amount of work I do, friends, skills, everything... I know I really won't amount to anything, but, as I've done my whole life, I just ignore those facts, and I just go with the flow, living, waiting until I can wait no more...

    I don't know exactly I want to hear, or why I posted this. I guess it's just a rant, or maybe it's a more official way for me to let my mind know I can't fool myself. Or maybe I just need to talk... either way, sorry for the long read.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. Sorry things are SO painful and awful feeling. I have heard from therspists and other people that even when we make progress and things get better, more healing may be needed in the future. Because the problems have many layers. Sometimes it can see that no progress was really made. But the reality is that its just time for more work on the issues.

    I think of it as a spiral. We do work on one level of the spiral. And then years later there is another level of it that we go back and do more work on. The thing is that it usually seems like we have not made progress. But the real truth is that its a new level coming up to be worked on. Do you think thats possible in your case? That it is time for more work? If so, the great news is that the first time you responded so well to the work. So on this new level it is very likely that the work will also be successful.

    Again, I am sorry things are SO painful right now. :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Good to talk here ok keep talking Your are not fooling your mind h un you are taking steps to heal it. Small steps at a time ok I hope you continue to reach out here and to others in your community for support to keep your mind from falling backwards hugs
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