People always say I'm just too negative about things. That I'm too cynical about the future. That my outlook is always bleak. I can't tell the difference between cynicism and depression. Recently, I've been having a lot of successes. I'm almost done with school, my writing has never been stronger, and I feel like I'm genuinely appreciated and loved. Even respected. But there are still a lot of things I'm unsure about with the future. No matter how good I feel, I'm still emotionally alone. Starting a new romantic relationship is extremely difficult for me, even when I know a woman is interested. I'm shy when it comes to that to begin with, but the real problem is that I can't justify wasting a person's time like that. I still feel like I'm not going to be successful with my career and so I don't have financial security to give a woman. I can't give her the attention she needs because I have a hard time connecting on an intimate level. I can't help but think that at some point no matter how good a relationship is going, there's going to come a time when I'm going to fuck it up anyway. So why bother with it at all? I know that's the only way we grow. The logical part of me is actually screaming that there's no reason to sell myself short, but I can't get over hating myself, no matter if its for the most irrational reasons. It's like so much of my brain is happy and content with my life, but some small part, buried deep inside, tells me no, I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life and as I age my friends and family will only just die and drift farther and farther away. And at some point, the pain will become so great that I won't be able to handle it anymore. I don't want that future at all, but at the same time, I've come to accept it and that it will never change. Is that what depression is? A constant give and take of loving and hating yourself? Contentment and fatalism? What the hell is wrong with me?