One thing that really gets to me is this profound sense of loneliness and aloneness, to me they are different things but both of which I experience. The loneliness comes from not having any friends or seeing other anyone outside of work. I don’t even talk to anyone online. The only person who I speak to and go out with is my mother. I have really bad social anxiety so it is very difficult to hold a conversation with people or even initiate them, it does not help that I have low self esteem and am so paralyzed with anxiety and depression that surviving is the main thing that comes before socializing, but socializing does help sometimes. I just wish I didn’t depend on other people to feel any bit of relief since it is one of the few things that does take me out of my element for a moment. The aloneness that I feel is different from not being in contact with anyone. The aloneness feels like I am going through all this pain all by myself and that no one feels or can relate to it at all, which I know is probably not true, but it really feels like this pain is my own and not something that another person can relate to. I am going through hell all by myself and no one knows or would care or could even save me, it feels like I am solitary confinement and left there to suffer all on my own. This isolation, it makes me feel like I am all by myself in this world.