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The reality

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Auerbach, May 22, 2014.

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  1. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    I can't anymore, the grief, sadness, and anger is getting to be too much, I don't know how or if I am going to survive this.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, what is going on for you that's making things so distressing?
  3. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    The severe loneliness is getting to me. I never thought the depression would come back this strong, but it has. Now I think it is all based on reality. I am so angry. Angry because of my life. I am 26 and only had one girlfriend back when I was 21, never had one since, and even that was a long distance relationship. I continue to have no friends in my life, no one I can talk to or hang out with, the aloneness that I feel these days is brutal, it is almost physical where I have to grasp for air especially when I am crying. The people that once helped me, the things that once helped me, they are all gone, I am here dealing with the loss of everything.

    I look at my life and i see nothing but failures, nothing but patheticness. I have nothing good in my life right now, not even my brain. I had to take the semester off this past Spring and that sets me back even further. I should have my Bachelors in two years, I just hope I can definitely have it by the time i am 30 even though that would be depressing, even getting it two years from now is depressing. But these days I can't even focus or care about reading and studying, I have severe ADHD symptoms now and my mind is filled with obsessions, worries, fears, and sadness.

    There is the loneliness that I feel everyday of not having someone to talk to, not even on the internet. But then there is the aloneness that I feel i am going through, all these symptoms by myself and on my own, which is reality, and I know that a lot of people feel and have gone thought what I am going through and of course even worse than me. But knowing this does not help. I try and ask for help, i try and talk to people, put hope in things, but they are all shattered. And now is when I lost hope, that i am going through this all by myself and that no one can save me from this not even myself.

    I don't even feel like leaving the house, my social anxiety is so severe that I get overly emotional, paranoid, and take everything personal when I am around people, I feel that no one likes me, that everyone is better than me, that they all have better lives than i do...i just can't shake this off.

    I don't know what to do and all of this feels very real and rational to me which only makes me feel despair, like I might as well just end my life. I can't connect with people or the world, everything seems off, I put myself out there and it makes me feel worse.

    I feel this is it, this is the end of my rope. At 26, a life of failure, of isolation.
  4. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    I feel like cutting all the time and drinking, and I stopped doing both of that a while ago, but since I am feeling so bad again it crosses my mind everyday, to cut like i always did, to drink to numb and destroy myself slowly. I don't even know how I went this long without cutting, i think it has been around 7 months since i last cut.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Take it from me-do NOT stop leaving your house. I did that for about 5 years.It will make everything worse,trust me. Have you tried to make friends at college? Please don't cut or drink-it solves nothing and will most likely make you feel even more worthless. I know how hard loneliness can be, I will be your friend if you want, I'm 25,female. Please look after yourself. Focus on the positives. I would kill to have a bachelors degree when I am 30, absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and its something to be very proud of. Be kinder to yourself :hug:
  6. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    Thanks Music. I do go to this crappy part time job I have. It never helps, I always feel bad at work, but it's not like staying home is going to be much better, so i just force myself to go to work, in the end they both suck.

    I never made any friends in college because I was very quiet and focused on my studies, plus I commuted there, did not dorm. I would socialize with people at times in college but nothing more than that, nothing solid or "lets hang out". I go to a new University now anyways so I never saw people from my other college classes after that.

    I did not cut or drink but it does cross my mind a lot these days.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You are welcome. is there a reason you feel bad at work, such as anxiety? well done for getting into uni. i couldnt leave my house during my teenage years so my education is down the drain. Perhaps you should approach them people at college instead of waiting for them...or perhaps you just don't want to. is there a psychologist in the uni you could talk with?
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you did not harm you hun Is there no after class clubs you can join just something light that helps you to connect to people with same interest as you.
    I think that getting a bachelors degree wow anytime is so amazing you should be very proud of you hun for persevering It is hard when one is quiet and shy but look for others that are the same as you ok that could also be waiting for someone to say hi to them hugs
  9. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    Thanks eclipse.
  10. Namaste

    Namaste New Member

    Hello, friend...perhaps there is a way I may help? We have a tradition in my philosophy that is used to tame the mind and its essence and its troubles. May I offer some teachings?
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