The thoughts are coming back...

[thrillseeker]

Yesterday this was more of a crisis for me... but now I just don't know how to feel anymore:

I tried to kill myself about a month ago... I passed out and lost a lot of blood, but I couldn't go any further when I woke up, not without any meds or alcohol for the pain... since the liquor store was closed on the day I tried, I'm still here now...

I've always had weird mood swings, and at times, feelings of self hatred and depression, but 2 summers ago, it got to the point where I wanted out, but before I did it, I wanted to live it up a little... My dad was paying me close to $1200 a week clear to work for his company, plus some pretty big kickbacks every once in awhile, I hate him with a passion, but for that kind of cash I couldn't resist... In about 3-4 months time I made a pretty decent backroll, then I went crazy... I spent around 30-40,000 on partying, bottle service, clothes, and finally cocaine. I started binging on both 3+ times a week when ever I'd go out in hopes of overdosing or dying from alcohol poisoning... it got to the point where I'd completely black out, and continue drinking and railing. Summer passed and I somehow survived. A week into September, a friends girlfriend msg'd me, and wanted to hang out, and hinted at the idea of doing some coke. I thought fuck it, she's beautiful, probably out of my league, and was someone I liked a lot - thought she was awesome. We ended up driving all over the city that night doing a shit load of coke, and just being ourselves and talking. It felt amazing. Had never been so happy in my life before, and she liked it too. We did it again 2 weeks after that, then started doing it every 2 weeks, sometimes every week. I was buying the cocaine which started from weekly 8balls, to 7 grams, then later I was going crazy and buying half ounces. About 2 months in, we stopped talking with each other, then later I went out and saw her at a bar, she dropped her bf home, then we drove around talking. I said lets get some, which I shouldn't of have, but she was down for it... we decided to get some sleep and do it later in the week. Then this kept going on for months, then about a year later in August (we were doing it for a full year). I snapped one night when I was out with a friend and told her about my depression and how I wanted to kill myself. She was at work, and started crying, then later in the night she never msg'd me back... I got mad and shattered my phone... we didn't talk for months after this. Then around Dec. later that year, I sent her a msg drunk... something stupid but nothing mean or anything... she said she loved it and said she was REALLY happy to hear from me again. We texted eachother later that week and she wanted to hang out. We did our usual thing, made sure everyone was sleeping the met in my basement. She brought some vodka over, and then I started getting those stupid thoughts again... when she went home I msged her that I thought it felt fake, blah blah... it really hurt her, and we stopped talking after that... Months went by, then in April I felt really bad... I called a friend I used to know since I deleted all of my dealers' numbers (we were both trying to quit together, and this is something we agreed to do). Anyway, I got some off of him, did a full 8ball (or what was left of it)... and my nose was so thrashed I couldn't OD on it... I have NEVER felt such terrible pain on my crash in my life before... I was ready to walk out of my house and jump off the overpass when I thought I should maybe try talkign to her again... So I re-activated FB, msg'd her and said I really had no one else to talk to, and to my surprise she replied, and said she was glad I finally didn't think she was "fake", and that I could contact her at any time. This made me feel amazing, it gave me the hope I needed. I decided to go to the doctor and fess up about my problem. She prescribed me 20mg of Cipralex, and that's when things started to get REALLY bad for me... I was getting suicidal thoughts daily... it got to the point where I was after my crash a month or 2 earlier. I decided to text her, she replied and told me to wait 2 months, etc for them to kick in... I lost it... overreacted and said fine fuck you too since she was taking a long time to reply, then she said she was at a BBQ. I lost it, called her plastic and to never talk to me again. She replied "ok ". I sent her a few nasty messages after that, then started popping my meds till they made me feel happy (which did absolutely nothing). I didn't sleep that night (which would have been close to the 3rd day in a row). In the morning I got up from my bed, got dressed, went in the backyard for one last good look at my mom (we don't have the greatest relationship, but I love her deep down). Went into the forest by a tree I had good memories from, put on my ipod to my favorite songs, messaged her "thanks for the good times, it wasn't your fault" which I've said so many times it has lost its meaning, messaged one of my last friends "sorry man", and another friend of mine who's a cop the location I was in. Popped out the battery, broke the sim card, threw my phone, popped in my ipod to my favorite songs, then took out my hunting knife and started slitting as hard as I could. I passed out and woke up an hour or 2 later. The slits clotted, I started crying and started punching my arms.... Couldn't find the knife, and even if I did I don't know what I would have done since the pain felt like pure fire. Couldn't let my family see me like this so I walked to a nearby tennis court, where I fell to the ground and asked for help.

I was admitted to the hospital, had a security guard watching me while they did my stitches... then through the night. They then kept me at the psych ward for about a week. No one came to visit, no one even knew what I did... and probably wouldn't have cared anyways... but I don't want to talk about that place, but I made it out and here I am a month and a half later.

Only people I've talked to since were the 2 other friends I msged on the day I tried what I did... My cop friend doesn't know ANYTHING, and since we were childhood friends, REALLY good friends even though at times it doesn't feel like it since all we do is go gambling together now... I never wanted him finding out because he was the person left I didn't want to lose. Last time we met I wore long sleeves... My other friend knows, and at times gives me support when I need it, and for that I now know I have always took him for granted.

Anyway, I'm scared, I stopped talking the meds they gave me (flushed them). The psyche. at the hospital said I was fine, my GP got me an appointment to see a psychiatrist but it's for NEXT year. And I don't know what to do. I flunked my last uni semester so I signed up for a summer course which is starting next Tuesday, and I don't think I'm ready for it. I feel happier at times, but the last few days suicidal thoughts keep coming and going, and I keep breaking down in tears... I feel no one wants me anymore, I feel hopeless at times. Sometimes betrayed, but mostly hate myself for putting myself into this position. I've tried reaching for help at similar websites and that has been a waste... posts would get edited, and I would get mad and just never go back. I've never said this in such great detail before, I PMed someone on here this after deleting it from the crisis section, and was told I should maybe try once more... I feel a little more calm now... I'm not a junkie, I'm not addicted to coke, I was addicted to her... and she seems to have gotten past it and is doing great with her life, and I couldn't be happier for her... but it seems I've reached the end of the road. I never even smoked marijuana till 2 years ago... and right now I want to buy some coke, and google how to inject it just to feel happy again. I thought my past died on that day, but I can't forget and it has truly damaged me... Please can someone tell me anything? I keep thinking I'm living in hell, and sleeping forever sounds more beautiful then living in this madness.........

Is it possible to start from scratch after this? More importantly how do I forget about the only person that made me feel alive, that believed in me, and that gave me hope in this world?

 

[Bambi]

you and I are a lot alike...when we got out with the drugs we do it in style but boy do we clean up well..meaning I don't consider myself an addict...I just did it to feel anything other than what Iwas feeling..

you said a lot so forgive me if I don't address each issue.

for starters please keep going to school..I think it would be great for you on many levels and besides you ask can one start from scratch and the answer is yes and that is one good way to do it....I went back to college after years of drugging and fucking up...running with bikers, getting busted on a weapons charge..you name it..point is you can rebuild and that is one of the best ways I can think of.

Plus you sound really smart and a "junkie for sensation" like me so it will help occupy your mind and do a lot for your future.

As far as her... that is hard...so much about what you two were bonding over was pharmacuetical and that no real if you know what I mean...at the very least you both need to clean up first and prolly on your own so as to ensure it is for real.

Also time will help heal that wound...that is the only thing that really healed me of mine..that and just moving on..if it is meant to be then it will happen.

Please feel free to PM and I hope you don't mind but I am gonna send you a quick PM too.

Take care, please write back and know that I and others are here for you.
Bambi

 

[justaguy14]

That sounds terrible. I'm sorry you've gone through that.

I think just take it one day at a time. More than anything, I think at this point the goal should just be about staying sober. Support groups, AA, Prayer, Promises to Loved ones, promises to yourself, cutting yourself off from users...whatever it takes. Stay sober.

Using drugs and alcohol to try and mask the pain of suicidal thoughts is like trying to walk off a broken leg. It just is not healthy. You have to give yourself some time to rest, to stay still, to just allow your body/mind to recover on their own. Like a leg healing in a cast, your head will just start feeling stronger if you stay rested and sober. Eating a healthy diet helps too.

I also think it would be worth joining a support group, both for recovering substance users, and for suicide survivors. Most urban centers have some sort of network like this. I think it's a good place to start socially integrating again, and a good place to meet people who through their experiences have blown apart the societal stereotypes of what a suicidal or drug using persons mental state supposably is. I think this might help.

The fact you wrote your post makes me think you'll get through this. It sounds like it's pretty bad, and that you are still in for some pretty rough patches. just remember to rest. Rest, rest, rest.

 

[.Dan]

Alex, I would like to share my story with you, it might help you a little.

When I was about the ages of 18-20 I was a straight up coke head. I pawned a bunch of my stuff, stole, whatever. I was truly addicted to it because it helped me escape the hell that was my life. I got kicked out of my moms when she found some straws in my room. After that it just got even worse. I moved in with some chick and we just did blow all the time together, hell if we couldn't get coke that night we'd be doing whatever we could get. I fell in love with that girl but she ended up cheating on me so I moved out. So there I am, homeless, broke, and got this itch for more coke. That was when I hit rock bottom, I literally had NOTHING dude. I saw that coke ruined me, I even dropped out of highschool senior year because of it. Then I said fuck it, quick coke and moved back in with my mom. After how many times that drug made me do terrible things I began to hate it. I literally quit associating with ANYONE who had anything to do with coke. What really helped was finding a new gf, she helped me through some of it. Now im not gonna lie dude, I did relapse a couple of times. But now I have a hatred for coke.

I would defintely recomend you not talk to that girl anymore, shes toxic to you. It might also help if you distance yourself from people involved with coke. There is hope dude. I havent done any coke for about 4 years. The cravings are hard in the beginning, but over time they get easier. Now after 4 years I almost never get craving and if I do they pass quickly and are not even 2% as bad as they were. You can start from scrath. I eventually got back into school and had some good jobs, cute girls, and alot of fun. There is life after addiction. You asked about how you forget her. Just know she is toxic to you, in time you will see it. And everyone knows the best way to get over one girl is to get on another. The next one doesn't have to be as cute, just coke free. You might try going to a couple NA meetings. I know it sounds lame, but you can get soo much out of them, and everyone else there is in the same boat as you. I'm not saying make it a regular thing, but try it a couple of times. You said "it has truly damaged me...". Your right. You have an oppurtunity to be stronger now though, stronger than you were before all this. Learn from your past, never forget the things coke did to you and how it made you feel. Remember all the bad choices and people you hurt while you were using. Thats been enough to keep me free of coke, now I have hatred for it. And I definitely better off hating it than loving it. If you don't already have a fulltime job get one. If you stay busy working then you'll have a bunch of cash in your pocket, and I know your depression is linked to money in some way. Good luck man, always know you can goto the ER if you have those suicidal feelings again.

 

[thrillseeker]

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate them.
@Bambi
It feels really good to connect with someone that has gone through substance abuse, I sent you that PM! Was really nice to have met you..

@justaguy14
I was going to say fuck it and not bother, because I've written a shorter form of it quite a few times now... but since I'm in a really good mood at the moment, I decided to drop the pride and just post it again... I left out a LOT of details, some I'm not sure if I can post here... and equally traumatizing. It's just been so long these last 2 years (almost through the 3rd) that my whole time line is really skewed. I guess that's another good thing? Just keep talking about it to the point where it loses any importance, or gets to the point where you truly don't give a shit anymore about it.

Thanks for the sober tip, and the eating healthy one. I used to box, but ever since I started abusing I couldn't keep up with it. I lose pounds like nothing as is... I've recently gotten into bodybuilding, which is a lot less demanding, and has been helping me, but diet is one of the reasons why I dropped the meds... They were making me so sedated I couldn't function and was barely able to stay up for 6 hours (was only taking 30mg of Remeron) to help with sleep and appetite... but I mean... it was like ODing on both, the weight gain, then dropping it from working out, then putting it on, sleeping... needing to eat an extra 1000 cals a day of mostly carbs so I could actually work out...

Last time I stopped the meds was for 4 days and I started getting suicidal thoughts again. This is round 2, and it's been about 3 days now. The fact that I was close to calling it quits yesterday, and feel completely different today, has me curious enough to hack it out for a few more days for them to rid of my system. The Cipralex experience was bad enough...

Thanks for the support group suggestion, I just hope it's like what you see on movies, and not completely fucking awkward like how everything in life usually is. I'll look into it the next day I'm feeling happy enough to...

I'm more curious to ways to help me to start over in my current mood. I'm just scared because this is similar to how I was before I tried..... I have really, really, really, big mood swings...

 

[Marty482]

I read your story and I am very sorry you went through all that. I just said a prayer for you and hope you do too. Maybe you are down because you know the life you lived then is no longer right for you and a new life is waiting. Its hard to let go of the past even if its a difficult one.

Is it possible to start from scratch after this? Definitely, this is the time to start a new life. You know what that other path brings,now you need a new path. Have you treid to develop your spiritual side? I think a lot of our pain can be from spiritual sources and developing a spiritual life and perspective can be healing. Sometimes the only thing that can heal. Maybe you have to seek that in your own unique way.


More importantly how do I forget about the only person that made me feel alive, that believed in me, and that gave me hope in this world? I dont think you should forget her. Maybe for now ,put those thoughts aside till you are well. The try to talk again. Things may turn for the better once your life is more stable.

PLEASE DONT HURT YOURSELF ANYMORE. There are ways to fidn happiness if we only know where to look for it. We will ALL look for it together here and we WILL find it!!!!

Write me if you like,

Marty

 

[thrillseeker]

Alex, I would like to share my story with you, it might help you a little.

When I was about the ages of 18-20 I was a straight up coke head. I pawned a bunch of my stuff, stole, whatever. I was truly addicted to it because it helped me escape the hell that was my life. I got kicked out of my moms when she found some straws in my room. After that it just got even worse. I moved in with some chick and we just did blow all the time together, hell if we couldn't get coke that night we'd be doing whatever we could get. I fell in love with that girl but she ended up cheating on me so I moved out. So there I am, homeless, broke, and got this itch for more coke. That was when I hit rock bottom, I literally had NOTHING dude. I saw that coke ruined me, I even dropped out of highschool senior year because of it. Then I said fuck it, quick coke and moved back in with my mom. After how many times that drug made me do terrible things I began to hate it. I literally quit associating with ANYONE who had anything to do with coke. What really helped was finding a new gf, she helped me through some of it. Now im not gonna lie dude, I did relapse a couple of times. But now I have a hatred for coke.

I would defintely recomend you not talk to that girl anymore, shes toxic to you. It might also help if you distance yourself from people involved with coke. There is hope dude. I havent done any coke for about 4 years. The cravings are hard in the beginning, but over time they get easier. Now after 4 years I almost never get craving and if I do they pass quickly and are not even 2% as bad as they were. You can start from scrath. I eventually got back into school and had some good jobs, cute girls, and alot of fun. There is life after addiction. You asked about how you forget her. Just know she is toxic to you, in time you will see it. And everyone knows the best way to get over one girl is to get on another. The next one doesn't have to be as cute, just coke free. You might try going to a couple NA meetings. I know it sounds lame, but you can get soo much out of them, and everyone else there is in the same boat as you. I'm not saying make it a regular thing, but try it a couple of times. You said "it has truly damaged me...". Your right. You have an oppurtunity to be stronger now though, stronger than you were before all this. Learn from your past, never forget the things coke did to you and how it made you feel. Remember all the bad choices and people you hurt while you were using. Thats been enough to keep me free of coke, now I have hatred for it. And I definitely better off hating it than loving it. If you don't already have a fulltime job get one. If you stay busy working then you'll have a bunch of cash in your pocket, and I know your depression is linked to money in some way. Good luck man, always know you can goto the ER if you have those suicidal feelings again.

Fuck.. thank you for that... was something I was looking for. Someone who has gone through similar shit as me,but has gotten past it. I'm really dumbfounded right now, I'm not going to lie about it. What you said has really given me HOPE. I have always fought with this addiction, and it has gotten me in a lot more trouble, but I have left most of that out. The deadly part about it, is that is fucking outlasts anyone you'll meet. Even if they say you will never push them away, it will always be there at the end of the day for you... and that's what I can't get out of my mind. I'm going to see what NA is all about. I have an uncle that started going to AA meetings but he has struggled with cocaine too, and says a lot of people there have... but I don't think that was my problem, I just needed all the alcohol to balance me out. Thanks for putting the time into posting that, and whatever it means I feel like I owe it to you guys to start giving things my all... I'm humbled now...

 

[thrillseeker]

I read your story and I am very sorry you went through all that. I just said a prayer for you and hope you do too. Maybe you are down because you know the life you lived then is no longer right for you and a new life is waiting. Its hard to let go of the past even if its a difficult one.

Is it possible to start from scratch after this? Definitely, this is the time to start a new life. You know what that other path brings,now you need a new path. Have you treid to develop your spiritual side? I think a lot of our pain can be from spiritual sources and developing a spiritual life and perspective can be healing. Sometimes the only thing that can heal. Maybe you have to seek that in your own unique way.


More importantly how do I forget about the only person that made me feel alive, that believed in me, and that gave me hope in this world? I dont think you should forget her. Maybe for now ,put those thoughts aside till you are well. The try to talk again. Things may turn for the better once your life is more stable.

PLEASE DONT HURT YOURSELF ANYMORE. There are ways to fidn happiness if we only know where to look for it. We will ALL look for it together here and we WILL find it!!!!

Write me if you like,

Marty

Thanks for the reply, Marty. I really didn't think posting this would get the attention it has, especially at this time in the night (For me at least). Funny that you'd ask that... I have just started reading a book on meditation, "Wherever you go, there you are". The only reason I decided to start reading it was because I liked the title a lot... but it was the first thing I've read in a long time that has intrigued me (the book "Feeling Good" for example lasted about 20 minutes for me). I started putting its teachings into practice, especially that I've stopped the meds, and its helping me dissipate some of the rage I get from time to time... When I was laying in the grass bleeding, I truly got to the level where I didn't care about the past, where I stopped evaluating everything, my mind felt free.... I looked up to the trees around me, the sky, and the sun came out even though the forecast was rain all day... I have always been atheist (or borderline agnostic) but for some reason i felt a connection.... I've been trying to see if I can get to that same stage, but in a healthier way. Do you know anything about this by any chance? I'm started to think I could get to that feeling by injecting something... I've never done anything like it, but I WANT that feeling again. I want that adrenaline.

 

[.Dan]

My experience with NA was good. I never went on the same day and time so I always got to hear new people. You get out of it what you put it. Talk when your there, about anything. Everyone there is like you. Hearing others stories inspires and gives hope. For the person sharing it can feel like a heavy load was lifted, because your talking it, not typing.

Its ok you left out some stuff. I can read between the lines. I was there myself. I hurt alot of people when I was using, and I don't mean emotionally. To this day I carry regrets for what I did to people, I can't take it back but I can try to better myself now. Time will heal dude. When I was getting clean I would think about it literally every second. Now I go weeks without thinking about it. What really worked for me was hating coke. I truly came to hate it. I don't hate people that use though, their trapped in its web, I have empathy for them. I don't know how bad your scars are but they can be made to look better. Cosmetic surgery would help but who the hell has money for that? I met a chick once that had done the same thing, cut her wrists. She ended up covering it with a tattoo that to her represented her strength, so whenever she saw her wrists so was inspired, not reminded of horrible times. Now don't get me wrong, you could still see her scars but the tattoo was designed around it and minimized it pretty good. That would be a pretty cool option. I know employers arent down with forearm tats but is it better than scars and having to wear long sleeve shirts all the time? You don't owe it to us to get better, you owe it to yourself. Do it for yourself.

 

[thrillseeker]

I was thinking about getting some tribal tats before, I guess now I have a good reason too. But yeah, wearing long sleeves sucks, especially when it's 90 degrees out.

Yeah I think a meeting would do me some good. At first I thought hearing other peoples story (probably much worse then mine) would just depress me. But it's quite opposite when you hear someone talking about it. I had to laugh at the straw thing (where the fuck is that straw?!! - things usually get complicated when you cut up a few of them into your wallet, then all of a sudden ones missing)... and that relation alone made me think about about those meetings again. Just so you can relate and maybe even have a laugh or 2 about some of that stuff... and through some of the crazy hoops you put yourself through for that rush that doesnt stay long enough. I know how you can hate it though, I respect that an want to get back to hating it ... I stopped doing it for close to a year just because what it was doing to my nose... good dealers never last, and you'll always get a bad cut.. But right now, I seem to be at a crossroad. And staying clean hasn't brought me any happiness... even temporary... so I am LOST.

How long did recovery take for you? And did you ever have any cravings to just smoke it or inject it? The therapist I met at the hospital asked me this... and it's been dawning on me since..

Also], for anyone that can answer. How much or how long do you need to abuse cocaine for signs of some sort of psychosis to start kicking in? And what are the signs?

 

[Marty482]

I would say stick with the meditation. Try the breathing exercises also pranayama. There are many way s to get a feeling of connection naturally. Just be open to the possibility and trust and try new things. Dont forget prayer,if you dont believe,maybe pray for belief. I really think drugs and alcohol are always asubstitute for spirituality. DONT GIVE UP

 

[.Dan]

If your gonna get tribal get polynesian tribal man, its the best, and the original form. Ive got a half sleeve of it myself. Meetings can be extremely motivational or shitty, depends on whos sharing. Try different groups, there are tons of NA meetings around here. Might also try AA, might like the people better, their both meant for addicts. Bro, honestly, I didn't start to feel better about it for probably 6 months. My depression lessened, but it was also being caused by other factors. Ya I was clean, but I never resolved the depression issue which is what lead me to drugs. So I didn't truly feel better until my life started coming around again and I started doing things again without coke. You need to resolve at least some of the depression before you can really feel like you have accomplished quitting. Depression makes you not happy about anything, so how can you be excited about sobriety? Hang in there man until they can get you to see another doctor. Having this lingering depression will make you relapse.

Recovery went quick. I kinda weined myself off it so I wouldnt get too sick. Bout 2 days of feelin like shit. Compared to people ive seen dope sick from heroin it wasnt nothin. Hell ya I had cravings. All day everyday, for a while. They subside though. Never wanted to shoot it but I would smoke crack instead if I couldn't get coke. Temporary or permanent psychosis?

 

[thrillseeker]

See i never did it daily, just binged on it, and only did it alone on the relapse. If i were to ever use again i wouldnt rail it because it wouldnt do anything for me... I'm at the point you mentioned where depression is at the point where I want to feel good again, or ill explode. And the mood swings, I can't even explain how many posts I had to edit 5 minutes after because I had no clue what I was thinking of or where these thoughts were coming from. The reason I asked about the psychosis because I'm not myself. As for the tat ill have to Google it later because I'm on my phone now. Now for the meetings, I should wait till I'm a little more grounded and mentally stable right? I think I'm just having withdrawal from the meds... or lack of.

 

[thrillseeker]

I would say stick with the meditation. Try the breathing exercises also pranayama. There are many way s to get a feeling of connection naturally. Just be open to the possibility and trust and try new things. Dont forget prayer,if you dont believe,maybe pray for belief. I really think drugs and alcohol are always asubstitute for spirituality. DONT GIVE UP

Right on. Ill stick with the breathing exercises, and just lying down by all the flora in the yard. Creates an awesome atmosphere. As for God, I gave up on prayor a long time ago... l

 

[.Dan]

No, goto a meeting today if you want. People there are in the same boat as you alot of the time. And theres always at least one person there celebrating just their 1 day of sobriety. Ive seen people there before who were very distraught, but they find something or hear something that always has them leaving feeling better.

I know what you mean about not feeling like yourself. Using coke definitely changes your brain chemistry. It literally does make you feel like a different person. Medication can help get it back in line. Don't edit your posts too much, or else you won't get out what you really wanted to. Don't worry man, your not alone in this battle.

 

[thrillseeker]

Haven't showered, haven't slept in days... I so would if I knew where to go. My uncle gave me some flyers for meetings in my area. But I'd need to get a rent to drive me, and that's something I don't even want to get into... especially with my control freak of a family. If I could do it all on my own I'd prefer it but I'd have to be in a fresh state of mind going into that battlefield... especially since I don't have any APs or anti anxiety meds anymore... I might just give up my pride and see if my school has any therapists/pdocs I could see that are covered. That way I wont need mommy and daddy's money, which automatically makes them think they're in charge of the situation.

As for me losing my mind.. I've always been a generous guy that gives mire than I ever received. I'm very naive and seem to think everyone has some good inside them and always get taken for a ride. I am mispelling easy words and can't seem to think of anything beyond 3 syllables... all those times I'd blackout... I'm afraid some of them could have been stroking out... I'd cough up that black shit up next morning. Without remembering anything. And seem to always trail off to a million different things like when I was chasing the the clouds and being as high as an astronaut... I've been talking to people both online and offline at the psychward and have been taking in everything like a spunge... but have started believing into some of the hysteria I'm hearing... especially shit like jesus, angels, and old souls... and i dont even know what to believe anymore. I wouls used to think of it more as trying to mock my intelligence, but my outlook on life is downright... messed... i sometimes just want to end it to ser for myself and end all of this wondering.. what do i have to lose right? and its no doubt playing with my head even more. My bullshit-dar is broken... I feel lost.

My advice to you don't try suicide, because if you survive, you'll be much more worse off then drugs and hitting rock bottom could ever do to you. I see the look in peoples eyes and it haunts me... I really feel like
I'm living in hell. And that no one wants anything to do with an ex drug addict and someone that's tried to kill themselves... I mean I thought my position with the ladies was bad as it was before. Now what happens when they see my scars... dug myself into a hole I can't get out. Anyway, all of this is just bonus for me.. but I'm think I'm cnear the end of the bridge. I already fell so dead.

 

[.Dan]

Shower, sleep man. Without sleep your mind starts to go crazy. Stay hydrated too. Take care of your body and your body will take care of you, mentally and physically. Don't laugh when I suggest this but walk to a meeting dude. Even if its a 30 minute walk, being outside in the sunlight will naturally make you start to feel better. Maybe you could go with your uncle? Search online for support groups. I was blown away at how many there are.

You were talking about being a generous guy, and seeing good in people. Thats a good character trait to have. Don't think otherwise. What do you have to lose? I can't tell you that exactly, life is what you make of it. Choose life, choose to better yourself. Find hope, hope that soon you will begin to fight back those black clouds.

One of the first things you will learn in NA that there is no such thing as an ex addict. We will always have those urges, they grow smaller and smaller over time though, almost to the point they don't exist. And don't label yourself with that. I actually take pride in my addiction, because I was able to survive it, i'm a better person because of it. You can either hide the scars, or embrace them. I enourage you to embrace them. Look at them and see courage, hope, and strength. You survived, your a survivor.

I'm here for ya man, and I feel for you. And thank you for sharing your story, it gives me perspective on mine and talking with you here has actually helped keep my suicidal thoughts away. If you don't mind me asking, what part of the country are you in? Please do me a favor and get some sleep man, youve been up for days. Your body is going to start shutting down if it hasn't already. Once you get some good rest get back on here and let me know whats up.

 

[thrillseeker]

Just had a solid few hours, came back here and read what I said, and didn't like what I was hearing from myself. I'm usually very positive, but sometimes I seem to just snap and start thinking irrationally about everything. This is when I start hurting and pushing people closest to me away. Now I don't really have anyone left to do it to. Part of my self destructive tendancy which probably another problem.

Your right that life is you what you make it. There's always a road right? I guess I just need to start seeing the right one.

It's really a coincidence that you say at... and it may even start making me believe in some sort of higher power again. I've been saying the past few days to myself in those very words. "Embrace the past... live for the moment. And not to dwell on the future." "Normal" people would probably tell me dude... you have it completely backwards, but that's because they don't know the true meaning of it. I got to the point where I took out the 3rd part because its irrelevant now. I've been learning from this book of mine to live in the moment at all times. And when those waves come, you just need to learn how to ride them like a surfer... because if you don't, they'll take you down. So ive been constantly telling myself to embrace the past, those very words opposed to forget. I've been learning to just remember the good, and those true moments me and she had together. It makes me smile now instead of cringing about it on the tthought it'll never come again. But now I'm not going to dwell on things I can't see and that are just part of my imagination.

Live on the east coast over in Ottawa. I'm really glad some good is coming out of this for you. Those thoughts are scary ones that keep haunting me, but I nerd to learn how to control that energy and put it towards something else. As hypocritical as it might sound for me at this point, just breathing really helps escape yourmind. And I don't mean that it blocks your problems away. I mean it helps you rest and have a greater perspective on things... But ya man, I'm feeling likeva million bucks since yesterday. And the fact said something something like that I'm going to take it as a sign that the universehasnt given up on me yet. I mean... wow.

 

[.Dan]

Glad to hear your doing better bro. "Its always darkest before the dawn." Hit me up when you want to talk again man, ive got a feeling ima be here alot. Weve been through alot of the same shit, feel free to hit me up if you just need someone to listen man.

 

[thrillseeker]

Right on, will do. And the same works both ways. I might not the stablest of people, but can still be there for others. Especially in the mood I'm in now, almost feel like I'm normal again. Anyway, take care.

I'll leave this at that, but think I'm ok enough now. Thanks for all the support guys! It all really helped me.