Yesterday this was more of a crisis for me... but now I just don't know how to feel anymore: I tried to kill myself about a month ago... I passed out and lost a lot of blood, but I couldn't go any further when I woke up, not without any meds or alcohol for the pain... since the liquor store was closed on the day I tried, I'm still here now... I've always had weird mood swings, and at times, feelings of self hatred and depression, but 2 summers ago, it got to the point where I wanted out, but before I did it, I wanted to live it up a little... My dad was paying me close to $1200 a week clear to work for his company, plus some pretty big kickbacks every once in awhile, I hate him with a passion, but for that kind of cash I couldn't resist... In about 3-4 months time I made a pretty decent backroll, then I went crazy... I spent around 30-40,000 on partying, bottle service, clothes, and finally cocaine. I started binging on both 3+ times a week when ever I'd go out in hopes of overdosing or dying from alcohol poisoning... it got to the point where I'd completely black out, and continue drinking and railing. Summer passed and I somehow survived. A week into September, a friends girlfriend msg'd me, and wanted to hang out, and hinted at the idea of doing some coke. I thought fuck it, she's beautiful, probably out of my league, and was someone I liked a lot - thought she was awesome. We ended up driving all over the city that night doing a shit load of coke, and just being ourselves and talking. It felt amazing. Had never been so happy in my life before, and she liked it too. We did it again 2 weeks after that, then started doing it every 2 weeks, sometimes every week. I was buying the cocaine which started from weekly 8balls, to 7 grams, then later I was going crazy and buying half ounces. About 2 months in, we stopped talking with each other, then later I went out and saw her at a bar, she dropped her bf home, then we drove around talking. I said lets get some, which I shouldn't of have, but she was down for it... we decided to get some sleep and do it later in the week. Then this kept going on for months, then about a year later in August (we were doing it for a full year). I snapped one night when I was out with a friend and told her about my depression and how I wanted to kill myself. She was at work, and started crying, then later in the night she never msg'd me back... I got mad and shattered my phone... we didn't talk for months after this. Then around Dec. later that year, I sent her a msg drunk... something stupid but nothing mean or anything... she said she loved it and said she was REALLY happy to hear from me again. We texted eachother later that week and she wanted to hang out. We did our usual thing, made sure everyone was sleeping the met in my basement. She brought some vodka over, and then I started getting those stupid thoughts again... when she went home I msged her that I thought it felt fake, blah blah... it really hurt her, and we stopped talking after that... Months went by, then in April I felt really bad... I called a friend I used to know since I deleted all of my dealers' numbers (we were both trying to quit together, and this is something we agreed to do). Anyway, I got some off of him, did a full 8ball (or what was left of it)... and my nose was so thrashed I couldn't OD on it... I have NEVER felt such terrible pain on my crash in my life before... I was ready to walk out of my house and jump off the overpass when I thought I should maybe try talkign to her again... So I re-activated FB, msg'd her and said I really had no one else to talk to, and to my surprise she replied, and said she was glad I finally didn't think she was "fake", and that I could contact her at any time. This made me feel amazing, it gave me the hope I needed. I decided to go to the doctor and fess up about my problem. She prescribed me 20mg of Cipralex, and that's when things started to get REALLY bad for me... I was getting suicidal thoughts daily... it got to the point where I was after my crash a month or 2 earlier. I decided to text her, she replied and told me to wait 2 months, etc for them to kick in... I lost it... overreacted and said fine fuck you too since she was taking a long time to reply, then she said she was at a BBQ. I lost it, called her plastic and to never talk to me again. She replied "ok ". I sent her a few nasty messages after that, then started popping my meds till they made me feel happy (which did absolutely nothing). I didn't sleep that night (which would have been close to the 3rd day in a row). In the morning I got up from my bed, got dressed, went in the backyard for one last good look at my mom (we don't have the greatest relationship, but I love her deep down). Went into the forest by a tree I had good memories from, put on my ipod to my favorite songs, messaged her "thanks for the good times, it wasn't your fault" which I've said so many times it has lost its meaning, messaged one of my last friends "sorry man", and another friend of mine who's a cop the location I was in. Popped out the battery, broke the sim card, threw my phone, popped in my ipod to my favorite songs, then took out my hunting knife and started slitting as hard as I could. I passed out and woke up an hour or 2 later. The slits clotted, I started crying and started punching my arms.... Couldn't find the knife, and even if I did I don't know what I would have done since the pain felt like pure fire. Couldn't let my family see me like this so I walked to a nearby tennis court, where I fell to the ground and asked for help. I was admitted to the hospital, had a security guard watching me while they did my stitches... then through the night. They then kept me at the psych ward for about a week. No one came to visit, no one even knew what I did... and probably wouldn't have cared anyways... but I don't want to talk about that place, but I made it out and here I am a month and a half later. Only people I've talked to since were the 2 other friends I msged on the day I tried what I did... My cop friend doesn't know ANYTHING, and since we were childhood friends, REALLY good friends even though at times it doesn't feel like it since all we do is go gambling together now... I never wanted him finding out because he was the person left I didn't want to lose. Last time we met I wore long sleeves... My other friend knows, and at times gives me support when I need it, and for that I now know I have always took him for granted. Anyway, I'm scared, I stopped talking the meds they gave me (flushed them). The psyche. at the hospital said I was fine, my GP got me an appointment to see a psychiatrist but it's for NEXT year. And I don't know what to do. I flunked my last uni semester so I signed up for a summer course which is starting next Tuesday, and I don't think I'm ready for it. I feel happier at times, but the last few days suicidal thoughts keep coming and going, and I keep breaking down in tears... I feel no one wants me anymore, I feel hopeless at times. Sometimes betrayed, but mostly hate myself for putting myself into this position. I've tried reaching for help at similar websites and that has been a waste... posts would get edited, and I would get mad and just never go back. I've never said this in such great detail before, I PMed someone on here this after deleting it from the crisis section, and was told I should maybe try once more... I feel a little more calm now... I'm not a junkie, I'm not addicted to coke, I was addicted to her... and she seems to have gotten past it and is doing great with her life, and I couldn't be happier for her... but it seems I've reached the end of the road. I never even smoked marijuana till 2 years ago... and right now I want to buy some coke, and google how to inject it just to feel happy again. I thought my past died on that day, but I can't forget and it has truly damaged me... Please can someone tell me anything? I keep thinking I'm living in hell, and sleeping forever sounds more beautiful then living in this madness......... Is it possible to start from scratch after this? More importantly how do I forget about the only person that made me feel alive, that believed in me, and that gave me hope in this world?