Okay so I've been getting help ever since March this year. It's been okay but I feel like it's also started to get worse? Like when I have bad days, they're really bad days. I've been moved around with therapists and now it's finally getting sorted. Or so I thought. I'm now going to receive therapy through MHCO. Because they don't deal with SI, they've decided that I should have two therapists.. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm going to give it a shot because it might not be that bad, but at the same time, I'm more nervous about it. Especially as they're treating me like this. I'm also on anti depressants, Citlopram. The side affects have been horrendous. I also need to go for a consultation with my doctor now that I told MHCO that I'm feeling more suicidal lately. I'm worried about that more than anything because I absolutely HATE talking about that. Anything else, yeah, fine, but not that. I know I'm 20 so they can't without my permission, but I don't want them to tell my parents because they feel like I'm a danger to myself. It feels like my head is going to burst. I wish this was easier. I keep crying, and crying, and crying. Sometimes I think I'd be better off if I asked to be put in hospital for a little bit just to escape normal everyday life so I could focus and try to find out the base of my problems. But I know if you're put in hospital under Mental Health that it can affect travelling and seeing as I go to America a lot I don't want to be stopped. I wish I could just do that though. Just be put somewhere where I can focus on my problems. And not face anyone. I don't want to make my family upset. But I feel like I'm a danger to myself because of the suicidal idealizations. I don't want to make my mum upset. But I feel like I'm a ticking bomb just waiting to explode and then I know I will put myself in hospital but not because I want help.