so anyway im not entirely sure why im actually posting here i guess it must me the last vestiges of my primitive self preservation mechanism kicking in but either way it wont change how i feel so i may as well let someone in the void hear it maybe there is someone out there who cares to listen....
either way im consumed with the fact that my life is futile, every morning i wake up and i am angry because i woke up, because i dont ever want to wake up, i dont find any reason to wake up. its not tham im a failure that makes me feel this way (or rather not feel anything at all) its the fact that i cant explain my failure i dont understand it i dont understand why the joe nothings who used to kick my face in have the house, the car, the wife/gf, the kids and the career and qualifications that i dont. i dont understand how so many people can wander through life withought questioning the reasons why they do something just soo much makes no sense. i cant even find it all in my head now theres too much to go through to write down all the questions and all the "i dont understands".
its not that life is too painfull to live.... life for me is painfull in so many ways but i have an iron will that endures it all.... its that i have no more reasons to give for enduring it any more i cannot find any point in continuing my progress (or rather my standstill) in life
if i look at my life right now and try to evaluate my position and my prospects i find none. im 24 i live with my mum and im unemployed and this situation is not of my choosing i have lived independantly previously, i lived with/ maintained my ex gf from 18-21 when i found out that despite knowing all along but refusing to admit it my gf was cheating on me and had been for 2 years (guess utter devotion and paying for EVERYTHING with 60hr a week job and doing everything she wanted at the cost of anything i wanted just isnt good enough) and most recently lost/ quit my job (apparently being an individual whos prepared to work when they have a serious intestinal infection and vomiting every hour as well as always starting early and finishing late doing everything thats ever asked of them and going the extra mile whenever possible isnt good enough) i would prosecute them for constructive dismissal but tbh theres no point it wont right the wrongs and revenge is a pointless aim "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" after all. ive had several relationships each one ive been betrayed in ever more creative ways either by them or by "friends" who think they are doing everyone a favour but actually ruining things for everyone.
my prospects are non existent because i have no qualifications.... well actually i have several qualifications but the grades are quite low (mainly because i have severe dyslexia) so they count for nothing and this means that almost all jobs i apply for im considered overqualified for low level or underqualified for higher up jobs i dont mean to sound arrogant but im a tremendously intelligent person, i can complete any challenge or work almost anything out and if i cant i have the ability to find the knowledge and learn it quickly but because i cant translate this to paper i cannot secure the grades and because of this i cant get anywhere higher. i have found out the hard way that almost all low level employment is beneath me not that im not prepared to do it its just as my last two jobs have proven the person just above you gets jealous when they discover you can do their job better than them and tries to get rid of you asap so you dont replace them. but im not someone who ever wants to put someone out i go my whole life trying at every pass to improve the lot of others around me and i ask for nothing in return but it is kicked in my face time and time again or people want to take more than you have to give.
i have "friends" who just dont get it when i try to talk to them somehow their problems are llways worse despite having evrerything they need to live a comfortable life or cant be bothered to answer my txts because they are watching a film
i have sisters who dont know me and dont take any time to change that but are quite happy to critisize me and slate me behind my back, to say im lazy in jobhunting despite living in a different country or so far removed from my situation we may aswell be living on different planets, i have a brother who i love to bits but it tears me up to see him and watch as he erodes his personality ever more with each joint he smokes. i would talk to my mum but i know she is depressed, she has been since her and my father split up, but she wont talk to me about it and i cant shovel more onto her its just not fair.
i wish i could say more but my head is one tumbledown avelanch of mealstroms of thaught right now i just cant focus what im thinking and what im saying
THERE IS SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS WORLD AND I SEEM TO BE THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES IT! i want to get drunk and shut the world out but i hate drinking i hate the feeling and it wont answer my questions i want to hurt myself but the pain is never a release so i dont bother anymore
i typed this hoping it would be a release but it isnt its just belatedly dawned on me that poring something out of a void wont fill it i dont think anything ever would or ever can
i have been searching for a meaning to all this crap in life for so long but i just cant find it i wish i could find god but i cant see how there can be a god that presides over this hell
im sorry for wasting your time people i just dont want to live anymore and i dont think there is anything left inside to stop me ending all this non-feeling inside i just dunno what more to do
either way im consumed with the fact that my life is futile, every morning i wake up and i am angry because i woke up, because i dont ever want to wake up, i dont find any reason to wake up. its not tham im a failure that makes me feel this way (or rather not feel anything at all) its the fact that i cant explain my failure i dont understand it i dont understand why the joe nothings who used to kick my face in have the house, the car, the wife/gf, the kids and the career and qualifications that i dont. i dont understand how so many people can wander through life withought questioning the reasons why they do something just soo much makes no sense. i cant even find it all in my head now theres too much to go through to write down all the questions and all the "i dont understands".
its not that life is too painfull to live.... life for me is painfull in so many ways but i have an iron will that endures it all.... its that i have no more reasons to give for enduring it any more i cannot find any point in continuing my progress (or rather my standstill) in life
if i look at my life right now and try to evaluate my position and my prospects i find none. im 24 i live with my mum and im unemployed and this situation is not of my choosing i have lived independantly previously, i lived with/ maintained my ex gf from 18-21 when i found out that despite knowing all along but refusing to admit it my gf was cheating on me and had been for 2 years (guess utter devotion and paying for EVERYTHING with 60hr a week job and doing everything she wanted at the cost of anything i wanted just isnt good enough) and most recently lost/ quit my job (apparently being an individual whos prepared to work when they have a serious intestinal infection and vomiting every hour as well as always starting early and finishing late doing everything thats ever asked of them and going the extra mile whenever possible isnt good enough) i would prosecute them for constructive dismissal but tbh theres no point it wont right the wrongs and revenge is a pointless aim "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" after all. ive had several relationships each one ive been betrayed in ever more creative ways either by them or by "friends" who think they are doing everyone a favour but actually ruining things for everyone.
my prospects are non existent because i have no qualifications.... well actually i have several qualifications but the grades are quite low (mainly because i have severe dyslexia) so they count for nothing and this means that almost all jobs i apply for im considered overqualified for low level or underqualified for higher up jobs i dont mean to sound arrogant but im a tremendously intelligent person, i can complete any challenge or work almost anything out and if i cant i have the ability to find the knowledge and learn it quickly but because i cant translate this to paper i cannot secure the grades and because of this i cant get anywhere higher. i have found out the hard way that almost all low level employment is beneath me not that im not prepared to do it its just as my last two jobs have proven the person just above you gets jealous when they discover you can do their job better than them and tries to get rid of you asap so you dont replace them. but im not someone who ever wants to put someone out i go my whole life trying at every pass to improve the lot of others around me and i ask for nothing in return but it is kicked in my face time and time again or people want to take more than you have to give.
i have "friends" who just dont get it when i try to talk to them somehow their problems are llways worse despite having evrerything they need to live a comfortable life or cant be bothered to answer my txts because they are watching a film
i have sisters who dont know me and dont take any time to change that but are quite happy to critisize me and slate me behind my back, to say im lazy in jobhunting despite living in a different country or so far removed from my situation we may aswell be living on different planets, i have a brother who i love to bits but it tears me up to see him and watch as he erodes his personality ever more with each joint he smokes. i would talk to my mum but i know she is depressed, she has been since her and my father split up, but she wont talk to me about it and i cant shovel more onto her its just not fair.
i wish i could say more but my head is one tumbledown avelanch of mealstroms of thaught right now i just cant focus what im thinking and what im saying
THERE IS SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS WORLD AND I SEEM TO BE THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES IT! i want to get drunk and shut the world out but i hate drinking i hate the feeling and it wont answer my questions i want to hurt myself but the pain is never a release so i dont bother anymore
i typed this hoping it would be a release but it isnt its just belatedly dawned on me that poring something out of a void wont fill it i dont think anything ever would or ever can
i have been searching for a meaning to all this crap in life for so long but i just cant find it i wish i could find god but i cant see how there can be a god that presides over this hell
im sorry for wasting your time people i just dont want to live anymore and i dont think there is anything left inside to stop me ending all this non-feeling inside i just dunno what more to do
