They'd just laugh if I did

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by WhyCry, Jun 12, 2014.

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  1. WhyCry

    WhyCry New Member

    I hate feeling like this. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to find the strength to even pretend I want to be around anymore.

    I've never been an outgoing person, always had a bit of an introverted personality, and never been good with making friends.
    That's my brother. That was always his thing, and since we used to hang out, I benefited from his outgoing nature. But eventually he'd start hanging with an older more out going crowd, while I began to just try and make due. I had a few "friends" ,but nobody ever called me to come hang out, nobody invited me to parties, nobody went out there way to include me in anything. Eventually I had no friends whatsoever.

    Some girls seem to find me attractive so I guess I made due for awhile having no friends, and being a "boring person" just hanging out with the girls I was dating. But one by one, eventually they all left for some reason or another, usually having to do with my lack of personality..

    And then She came! I met a girl, who was so different from anybody I'd ever met. She was easy to talk to, she was everything I'd ever look for in someone. She was beautiful, smart, funny, caring, family orientated, just everything! And for once I truly felt happy. We were friends for 4 years, before we started dating. We watched each other grow up.

    When we got together everything was great. We could have fun just sitting on the couch, driving around, going to the park, just anything, I felt she was perfect for me. When we'd been dating for about a year, we were in love, and I decided to get a tattoo of her name on my body. I didn't regret it, I was happy to have it. A few months later, she even got my name tattooed on her. But soon things began to fall apart.

    Her parents weren't born here, and her father who provided for the entire family, got into some trouble, and went away. So I stepped up to the plate. I began to do anything I could to help her, and her family. I took her to and from college, I took her mom and sister to and from work, I took her brother to the store, and to school anytime he needed to go. I did everything she asked. her mom even began calling me son.

    I didn't mind helping. Her family always treated me nicely, and I genuinely cared about all of them. They were so tight-knit, so close as a family, and I felt apart of it, my family was nothing like that. They were used to driving rental cars around for transportation, but when her father got in trouble, that had to stop, and I was taking everyone places. Times got hard, I tried to help in anyway I could.

    Eventually her mother got a break, and wanted to purchase a car. So I took her and the family to the dealership and helped translate what everything meant to her, and she bought her car. 2 days later, my ex girlfriend told me, she no longer wanted to be with me, but didn't know why.

    I told her I felt used. I told her that she must have been feeling that way for awhile, but never said anything because her fam still needed help, but the moment her mother got on her feet, I was no longer needed. She tried to assure me it wasn't like that, and we did end up getting back together.

    Everything was fine. One day she told me she was hungry, and I offered to bring her and her family food, and she said no fast food, and I said ok. So I went out my way to the nearest seafood restaurant, which was extremely busy, and I waited for over an hour picking up crab legs, shrimp, and oysters. When I brought the food by, she had an attitude about it, saying she didn't want it, even though I know she did eat seafood. But she gave it to her family, and I left, without a hug, without a goodbye, just the feeling of being unappreciated. This was the last day I'd see her in person.

    She told me the next day, she just wasn't feeling being in a relationship with me anymore. And I asked why, what changed, what did I do wrong? But she wouldn't give me that closure, and I was hurt. I was crushed. I felt so stupid, I felt so dumb. Pathetically I kept trying to contact her for awhile, hoping maybe she'd change her mind, hoping I could at least find out why this was happening. She told me "I needed to stop being a weirdo, acting crazy, leave her alone, and move on with my life"....and it hurt so bad to hear that from somebody I had such deep feelings for. It hurt so bad, and I was so embarrassed, but I told myself I wouldn't bother her anymore. I stopped calling her, stopped texting her, left her alone.

    A few days passed, and she texted me to say she was "Just checking on me", I told her I was still hurting, and I'd rather she didn't check on me if she really didn't want to be with me, because it confused me. After that I tried to find out why again we actually broke up but she got back to calling me "weird, and a stalker, and crazy" I left her alone again.

    A few days passed, and she called me crying one night, saying she'd had a bad dream. Even though I was tired i stayed up with her, and tried to talk her down. Which worked, and I went back to sleep. I called the next morning to see if she was ok, and she ignored me until finally calling me "crazy, weird, and a I left her alone.

    That happened a few times. I'd go days without talking to her, hurting in private, and everytime she'd find a reason to "check on me" whether her niece got sick and she was worried, or she heard about an ccident and thought it might have been me, she checked on me.

    Until one day she called, and told me she wanted to have a child with me. She didn't care if me and her were together, she just wanted a father for her child, she said. I told her I wouldn't be ok with that, but eventually I gave in, and when I tried to see her, she changed her mind and went back to calling me "crazy, and weird, and a stalker" if I ever asked her about it.

    Now she just wants nothing to do with me, she doesn't want me to call. She doesn't want me to text. She doesn't care about me, and she'd told me to kill myself.

    I don't understand. I don't know what I did. Now Im back to being alone, but only worse. It kills me to know I can't help thinking about her, but knowing she's not thinking about me. Hurts to know how hard this is for me, to not see her, to not be able to talk to her. And it doesn't seem hard for her. It hurts that she can be so cold, and mean to me, after I did everything I could to help her. I don't understand. I feel so stupid for trusting her, I feel so stupid for believing in her. I feel so stupid for thinking things would ever be different. I wish I had closure, I wish I knew why it happened, but I already know.

    I'm boring, nobody likes to be around me, and I'm not outgoing.

    If this is what everyday is like, what's the point? If I'm just going to be walking from person to person who's trying their best to get away from me, then why am I here? I hate this. I don't want to be here. Nobody will ever care, nobody will ever understand me. I don't even understand myself, and if I had the choice not to hang out with myself, I probably wouldn't.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm really sorry for what she's put you through. :hug: From reading what you wrote, it doesn't seem like you're the one who did anything wrong. I doubt it has anything to do with you, who you are, or your personality. She's the one who did things that were wrong, not you. And I know it hurts, but the best thing for you in the long run is to avoid any contact with her, even if she does try to reconnect with you.
  3. islandification

    islandification Well-Known Member

    Sounds like the classic "nice guy" story. She can get whatever she wants from you without giving anything, so that's what she does. Unfortunately we live in a world in which people who give attract people willing to take. There is a good chance she was used/abused by someone else, and sees favors from you as repayment of a debt from that person.
  4. WhyCry

    WhyCry New Member

    I get what your saying. But I wasn't necessarily just this good, gullible, good guy. I did have an edge to me. When we met I did have confidence in myself. But yea anytime she needed something, I did try to provide it for her. But in the beginning when things were good, she was doing the same for me. I'd come see her, and she'd notice maybe I was low on gas, and after i'd leave to go home she might text me and tell me to check my pocket, and I'd look to find $50 she'd slipped into it, because she knew I wouldn't have taken it. I didn't feel like I was just doing everything she asked, because there was a time we both did for each other.

    I just feel the only reason for her to go from somebody who seemed to care so much about me, to somebody who seemed to hate me, somebody who encourages me to kill myself is she realized I had no personality and got bored, or just found somebody more interesting.

    It just hurts because I have no answers, and I don't really have anyone to turn to. She was my best friend, she was my everything, I thought I was the same to her. She came into my life and made everything new, now I'm just back in the dark, and it's getting harder to pretend i'm ok with it.

    Because I know maybe I do get over this, but then what? What happens when somebody else comes into my life for a little while, and realizes I'm not worth being around.
  5. WhyCry

    WhyCry New Member

    I'm trying, but it's hard. I've been trying to go out, I think about her. I've been trying to move on, although I'm not proud of it, even found myself in bed with another girl, only to wake up the next morning thinking about her. I see her everywhere. I don't even like listening to the radio because songs remind me of her. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. How I'm supposed to move on, from the one person who actually ever bothered getting to know me.
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    You have to ask yourself the question - WHY did she "actually bother getting to know me?" Many people can be manipulative if they choose to be, and give the impression that they really care etc. in order to meet their own selfish needs - and from what you've written, it is obvious that by her subsequent treatment of you she only cares really about herself, but was clever enough to give the impression that she really cared about you.

    This is toxic behaviour and you would be far better off by not seeing her again. Time and distance will help you come to see that any further, longer, deeper involvement would have not been good for you (or anyone else that she behaved this way with).
  7. WhyCry

    WhyCry New Member

    Thanks. After talking to my cousin I decided, it doesn't matter why she left. That's her issue, not mine. I did all I could, and it wasn't appreciated, somebody else would have appreciated it, and she'll realize what she lost one day, but it will be to late.

    Other then that Im just going to take some time to experience life. Try new things. Maybe that will bring out like minded people, maybe that will help give me more to offer into conversations, but even if it doesn't I can learn to enjoy my own company, because if I can't enjoy my own company, why would anyone else?
  8. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I hope you do feel welcome here. I like that you are getting nice replies already.

    Best wishes----you deserve the best, in life

  9. islandification

    islandification Well-Known Member

    "I just feel the only reason for her to go from somebody who seemed to care so much about me, to somebody who seemed to hate me, somebody who encourages me to kill myself is she realized I had no personality and got bored, or just found somebody more interesting."

    You don't seem like someone with no personality, but many times people do simply get bored and want someone new. Happened to me, and at least the girl was honest enough to say going in that that was her pattern (hurt just as bad though). In a way you are very lucky to get out now because anyone who would encourage you to kill yourself you are much better off without.
  10. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for the way you've been treated. Nobody deserves that. I was in a similar situation once.

    I was friends with this girl for a long time, then we became a couple, and quickly fell "in love." Our relationship was a whole new life for me, and we basically decided we were going to get married early on. Because we knew she would be in college longer than me, I made some adjustments in my own degree path to make sure I landed a job right out of college. It wasn't something I wanted to do for a career, but I wanted to be with her enough to where I felt it was worth it. I was too blinded by my emotions to see it at the time, but she was constantly controlling me during the whole relationship. In a way, I think she somewhat got a "high" from it. She convinced me to double-cross some of my friends so she could get what she wanted. She even managed to convince me to walk away from a large chunk of my friends. Back then, I was completely broke, but what little money I did have she would talk me into taking her to nice restaurants and spending it on her.

    One day, she got in an enormous fight with her roommates and basically just moved out and into my place without really asking. I didn't mind, but she quickly started taking over my apartment and personal space to the point where we regularly had small fights. This escalated into big fights and one day she threw a tantrum so big that she attacked me. I didn't fight back, but I did shove her onto the bed and had to restrain her until she calmed down. After this, we had a long talk and decided to make some changes in our relationship. I didn't hold the fight against her because, at the time, I was so convinced we should get married and I thought I loved her so much. We basically went a month without having a fight and then, one day, out of the blue, she blocks me on all forms of social media, doesn't return my calls, and just vanishes. I spent a week trying to contact her because I had zero idea what was going on. Finally, she calls me and asks me to meet her at her place where she accuses me of being a "creepy stalker" for trying to contact her all week and then she proceeds to break up with me. After the break up, she started telling people I was "emotionally abusive" and a "creep with no future." She used this tactic to play herself as a victim in order to get new boyfriends.

    Regardless, I was still heartbroken. She never gave me any real closure on why she did what she did, and I spent months in an extremely suicidal state and for over 3 years I suffered through a lot of depression because of it. When I finally was able to get over her, I came to grips with the kind of person she was, and I realized that even if she had never broken up with me and we had gotten married like I wanted, that my situation would have been 100 times worse because the marriage wouldn't have lasted due to the person she was. I imagined going through a divorce with her and being married to her would have put a much greater strain on me and put me at a much greater risk of causing myself harm afterward.

    That relationship left me extremely scarred and left me feeling like I would never meet someone else and that I just wasn't "lovable" in that way. I kept thinking I was the problem and started buying into what she was saying. I did eventually love again, and am happily married now. When I started dating my wife, the relationship was completely different and extremely healthy. Counting the time we dated, we've technically been together for close to two years now, and we still have never even come close to an argument. My wife has helped me realize that I wasn't the problem with the previous relationship, it was my ex.

    Based on what you've said, I think this is a similar situation with you. I don't think you're going to wind up alone, and I believe that you'll eventually be able to get over your feelings for this girl. It might take a while, but you will. Also, the best thing to do, in my opinion, is to just cut contact with her. I don't think any good could come from continuing to talk to her or even getting back together with her. It's sometimes cliche to say, but you definitely deserve better!

    If you need to talk more or just vent, feel free to PM me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 12, 2014
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