I hate feeling like this. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to find the strength to even pretend I want to be around anymore.
I've never been an outgoing person, always had a bit of an introverted personality, and never been good with making friends.
That's my brother. That was always his thing, and since we used to hang out, I benefited from his outgoing nature. But eventually he'd start hanging with an older more out going crowd, while I began to just try and make due. I had a few "friends" ,but nobody ever called me to come hang out, nobody invited me to parties, nobody went out there way to include me in anything. Eventually I had no friends whatsoever.
Some girls seem to find me attractive so I guess I made due for awhile having no friends, and being a "boring person" just hanging out with the girls I was dating. But one by one, eventually they all left for some reason or another, usually having to do with my lack of personality..
And then She came! I met a girl, who was so different from anybody I'd ever met. She was easy to talk to, she was everything I'd ever look for in someone. She was beautiful, smart, funny, caring, family orientated, just everything! And for once I truly felt happy. We were friends for 4 years, before we started dating. We watched each other grow up.
When we got together everything was great. We could have fun just sitting on the couch, driving around, going to the park, just anything, I felt she was perfect for me. When we'd been dating for about a year, we were in love, and I decided to get a tattoo of her name on my body. I didn't regret it, I was happy to have it. A few months later, she even got my name tattooed on her. But soon things began to fall apart.
Her parents weren't born here, and her father who provided for the entire family, got into some trouble, and went away. So I stepped up to the plate. I began to do anything I could to help her, and her family. I took her to and from college, I took her mom and sister to and from work, I took her brother to the store, and to school anytime he needed to go. I did everything she asked. her mom even began calling me son.
I didn't mind helping. Her family always treated me nicely, and I genuinely cared about all of them. They were so tight-knit, so close as a family, and I felt apart of it, my family was nothing like that. They were used to driving rental cars around for transportation, but when her father got in trouble, that had to stop, and I was taking everyone places. Times got hard, I tried to help in anyway I could.
Eventually her mother got a break, and wanted to purchase a car. So I took her and the family to the dealership and helped translate what everything meant to her, and she bought her car. 2 days later, my ex girlfriend told me, she no longer wanted to be with me, but didn't know why.
I told her I felt used. I told her that she must have been feeling that way for awhile, but never said anything because her fam still needed help, but the moment her mother got on her feet, I was no longer needed. She tried to assure me it wasn't like that, and we did end up getting back together.
Everything was fine. One day she told me she was hungry, and I offered to bring her and her family food, and she said no fast food, and I said ok. So I went out my way to the nearest seafood restaurant, which was extremely busy, and I waited for over an hour picking up crab legs, shrimp, and oysters. When I brought the food by, she had an attitude about it, saying she didn't want it, even though I know she did eat seafood. But she gave it to her family, and I left, without a hug, without a goodbye, just the feeling of being unappreciated. This was the last day I'd see her in person.
She told me the next day, she just wasn't feeling being in a relationship with me anymore. And I asked why, what changed, what did I do wrong? But she wouldn't give me that closure, and I was hurt. I was crushed. I felt so stupid, I felt so dumb. Pathetically I kept trying to contact her for awhile, hoping maybe she'd change her mind, hoping I could at least find out why this was happening. She told me "I needed to stop being a weirdo, acting crazy, leave her alone, and move on with my life"....and it hurt so bad to hear that from somebody I had such deep feelings for. It hurt so bad, and I was so embarrassed, but I told myself I wouldn't bother her anymore. I stopped calling her, stopped texting her, left her alone.
A few days passed, and she texted me to say she was "Just checking on me", I told her I was still hurting, and I'd rather she didn't check on me if she really didn't want to be with me, because it confused me. After that I tried to find out why again we actually broke up but she got back to calling me "weird, and a stalker, and crazy"...so I left her alone again.
A few days passed, and she called me crying one night, saying she'd had a bad dream. Even though I was tired i stayed up with her, and tried to talk her down. Which worked, and I went back to sleep. I called the next morning to see if she was ok, and she ignored me until finally calling me "crazy, weird, and a stalker...so I left her alone.
That happened a few times. I'd go days without talking to her, hurting in private, and everytime she'd find a reason to "check on me" whether her niece got sick and she was worried, or she heard about an ccident and thought it might have been me, she checked on me.
Until one day she called, and told me she wanted to have a child with me. She didn't care if me and her were together, she just wanted a father for her child, she said. I told her I wouldn't be ok with that, but eventually I gave in, and when I tried to see her, she changed her mind and went back to calling me "crazy, and weird, and a stalker" if I ever asked her about it.
Now she just wants nothing to do with me, she doesn't want me to call. She doesn't want me to text. She doesn't care about me, and she'd told me to kill myself.
I don't understand. I don't know what I did. Now Im back to being alone, but only worse. It kills me to know I can't help thinking about her, but knowing she's not thinking about me. Hurts to know how hard this is for me, to not see her, to not be able to talk to her. And it doesn't seem hard for her. It hurts that she can be so cold, and mean to me, after I did everything I could to help her. I don't understand. I feel so stupid for trusting her, I feel so stupid for believing in her. I feel so stupid for thinking things would ever be different. I wish I had closure, I wish I knew why it happened, but I already know.
I'm boring, nobody likes to be around me, and I'm not outgoing.
If this is what everyday is like, what's the point? If I'm just going to be walking from person to person who's trying their best to get away from me, then why am I here? I hate this. I don't want to be here. Nobody will ever care, nobody will ever understand me. I don't even understand myself, and if I had the choice not to hang out with myself, I probably wouldn't.
I've never been an outgoing person, always had a bit of an introverted personality, and never been good with making friends.
That's my brother. That was always his thing, and since we used to hang out, I benefited from his outgoing nature. But eventually he'd start hanging with an older more out going crowd, while I began to just try and make due. I had a few "friends" ,but nobody ever called me to come hang out, nobody invited me to parties, nobody went out there way to include me in anything. Eventually I had no friends whatsoever.
Some girls seem to find me attractive so I guess I made due for awhile having no friends, and being a "boring person" just hanging out with the girls I was dating. But one by one, eventually they all left for some reason or another, usually having to do with my lack of personality..
And then She came! I met a girl, who was so different from anybody I'd ever met. She was easy to talk to, she was everything I'd ever look for in someone. She was beautiful, smart, funny, caring, family orientated, just everything! And for once I truly felt happy. We were friends for 4 years, before we started dating. We watched each other grow up.
When we got together everything was great. We could have fun just sitting on the couch, driving around, going to the park, just anything, I felt she was perfect for me. When we'd been dating for about a year, we were in love, and I decided to get a tattoo of her name on my body. I didn't regret it, I was happy to have it. A few months later, she even got my name tattooed on her. But soon things began to fall apart.
Her parents weren't born here, and her father who provided for the entire family, got into some trouble, and went away. So I stepped up to the plate. I began to do anything I could to help her, and her family. I took her to and from college, I took her mom and sister to and from work, I took her brother to the store, and to school anytime he needed to go. I did everything she asked. her mom even began calling me son.
I didn't mind helping. Her family always treated me nicely, and I genuinely cared about all of them. They were so tight-knit, so close as a family, and I felt apart of it, my family was nothing like that. They were used to driving rental cars around for transportation, but when her father got in trouble, that had to stop, and I was taking everyone places. Times got hard, I tried to help in anyway I could.
Eventually her mother got a break, and wanted to purchase a car. So I took her and the family to the dealership and helped translate what everything meant to her, and she bought her car. 2 days later, my ex girlfriend told me, she no longer wanted to be with me, but didn't know why.
I told her I felt used. I told her that she must have been feeling that way for awhile, but never said anything because her fam still needed help, but the moment her mother got on her feet, I was no longer needed. She tried to assure me it wasn't like that, and we did end up getting back together.
Everything was fine. One day she told me she was hungry, and I offered to bring her and her family food, and she said no fast food, and I said ok. So I went out my way to the nearest seafood restaurant, which was extremely busy, and I waited for over an hour picking up crab legs, shrimp, and oysters. When I brought the food by, she had an attitude about it, saying she didn't want it, even though I know she did eat seafood. But she gave it to her family, and I left, without a hug, without a goodbye, just the feeling of being unappreciated. This was the last day I'd see her in person.
She told me the next day, she just wasn't feeling being in a relationship with me anymore. And I asked why, what changed, what did I do wrong? But she wouldn't give me that closure, and I was hurt. I was crushed. I felt so stupid, I felt so dumb. Pathetically I kept trying to contact her for awhile, hoping maybe she'd change her mind, hoping I could at least find out why this was happening. She told me "I needed to stop being a weirdo, acting crazy, leave her alone, and move on with my life"....and it hurt so bad to hear that from somebody I had such deep feelings for. It hurt so bad, and I was so embarrassed, but I told myself I wouldn't bother her anymore. I stopped calling her, stopped texting her, left her alone.
A few days passed, and she texted me to say she was "Just checking on me", I told her I was still hurting, and I'd rather she didn't check on me if she really didn't want to be with me, because it confused me. After that I tried to find out why again we actually broke up but she got back to calling me "weird, and a stalker, and crazy"...so I left her alone again.
A few days passed, and she called me crying one night, saying she'd had a bad dream. Even though I was tired i stayed up with her, and tried to talk her down. Which worked, and I went back to sleep. I called the next morning to see if she was ok, and she ignored me until finally calling me "crazy, weird, and a stalker...so I left her alone.
That happened a few times. I'd go days without talking to her, hurting in private, and everytime she'd find a reason to "check on me" whether her niece got sick and she was worried, or she heard about an ccident and thought it might have been me, she checked on me.
Until one day she called, and told me she wanted to have a child with me. She didn't care if me and her were together, she just wanted a father for her child, she said. I told her I wouldn't be ok with that, but eventually I gave in, and when I tried to see her, she changed her mind and went back to calling me "crazy, and weird, and a stalker" if I ever asked her about it.
Now she just wants nothing to do with me, she doesn't want me to call. She doesn't want me to text. She doesn't care about me, and she'd told me to kill myself.
I don't understand. I don't know what I did. Now Im back to being alone, but only worse. It kills me to know I can't help thinking about her, but knowing she's not thinking about me. Hurts to know how hard this is for me, to not see her, to not be able to talk to her. And it doesn't seem hard for her. It hurts that she can be so cold, and mean to me, after I did everything I could to help her. I don't understand. I feel so stupid for trusting her, I feel so stupid for believing in her. I feel so stupid for thinking things would ever be different. I wish I had closure, I wish I knew why it happened, but I already know.
I'm boring, nobody likes to be around me, and I'm not outgoing.
If this is what everyday is like, what's the point? If I'm just going to be walking from person to person who's trying their best to get away from me, then why am I here? I hate this. I don't want to be here. Nobody will ever care, nobody will ever understand me. I don't even understand myself, and if I had the choice not to hang out with myself, I probably wouldn't.
