things making sense

[black_rose_99]

Things are starting to fall into place and starting to make sense.

I'm not close to my family, and have never outrightly told them about my depression and, my newly found anxiety, which I realise has always been there but not recognised.

My mother has just emailed me (we live in different countries) to say that she's having a hard time going back to work and her doctor has started her on anxiety meds. It's probably the closest we've ever come to publicly acknowledging mental health in my family - the closest before that was me finding a book on teenagers with depression in her cupboard. We never discussed it, but I guess it was her way of trying to figure me out.

And thinking back, things slide into place. We've never spoken about it, but I suppose my mother has probably had some depressive episodes in the past. I don't think they were major, but somehow, I feel like she might understand me better.

But it also makes me a little angry. If she can understand because she's been through it, why could she never talk to me about it? Why could she buy and read a book about understanding depression without bringing it up? How can she take me to the doctor after my first self harm episode and when we left the office, never speak about it again?

I know it's hard to speak about. I do understand that. I understand that the behaviours of my mother and my family environment have lead me to also bottle things up. I just can't help wondering - if she had spoken more, if we had spoken more, would we have a better relationship? How different might my life have been if, as a family, we spoke about this?

 

[Sadeyes]

If things are starting to fall into place, it is time to move forward...the 'what ifs' do not seem to solve much,as things were as they were...is this the time to talk to her about how she is doing and express what is happening for you? Maybe the past cannot be changed, but maybe the present and the future can be...also, maybe there are ways in which a pdoc or such can help you with your anxiety...just my thoughts, big hugs, J

 

[may71]

I think that if you are raised in a family and a community where emotional intimacy is not accepted, it's very hard to break through.

That's what it was like for me, even though I wanted to have emotional intimacy, I was too scared. It's as if admitting to have any vulnerability would be an invitation for others to attack. I had to find a friend that was just very open about her own experience in order to be drawn out of my shell.

I think that it can also be a personality issue, some people are just more guarded than others

so maybe if you talk to a therapist, maybe have family therapy with your mom, you could build a better relationship with her

you could also just talk to her directly, if you felt like it, just ask her why you and she never talked about these things, and that you would feel better if you could

there could still be time to salvage your family relationships

I hope that everything works out!

:hug:

 

[black_rose_99]

Hello lovelies,

Thank you for your replies.

I would like to use this opportunity to tell her about myself. I think it will be somewhat easier, as it is via the internet, and I tend to find that easier. But every time I go to reply to her email, I get stuck.

Sadeyes, I would like to forget the what ifs. I know this is a good place to start building better foundations.

May, we have actually been to family counselling together before, over an issue that occurred when I was younger. It didn't solve much, and at the moment it's impossible due to the different countries we live in. Although I am contemplating sorting myself out, and then perhaps if and when I move home, I'll be able to go through with something more to sort it out. I recently tried to ask her to answer some questions about something a bit less threatening - she told me about a story before she met my father, and I asked her why she never told me more of these stories. There was no reply.

I feel exactly how you feel - and it extends to everyone I meet. I want to be accepted, I want people to know me and not use it against me, but my fear is they will use it against me, so I keep everything in.

But the upshot is I understand more. And I think that's good.