hiya if i dont die tomorrow i get a phone appointment with a psychiatrist. no idea how to even begin on my issues it’s extremely hard for me to word anything right. but i’ll try to type out what i’m dealing with here i guess i could just read whatever i type below. but i could use general advice for this kinda thing because my last psychiatry visit was super unproductive
okay elephant in the room has not been too active but hes there. the fucking demon that ruined my only happiness. i have this alter ego that is scary and mean. no but it’s really such a 180 from my normal personality that it scarred my ex terribly. i dont have firsthand memories of any of the happenings, but ive been kinda there in the more recent happenings i think? also it’s in love with me but only in the sexual sense. the most i was able to say about this before was im scared theres another person inside me and i might have bpd or did. the whole thing is super hard to talk about, a little easier to type.
i know i dont have bpd because ive literally never been happy besides the time i was in a relationship. no mania, first psychiatrist ruled it out. i’m too chill to have it anyway. so it’s psychosis or did i guess but every time i think about it did gets more and more unlikely.
okay im extremely depressed. ive been depressed my entire life. i might even go as far as to say my depression is extra bad, because i have 0 motivation to do anything for myself. everything ive ever done was to please others. im extremely lazy for myself, barely leaving bed and eating or drinking, but have a really good work ethic for others. my parents wanted good grades, straight As easy. college hits and it’s for me, grades plummet instantly and i barely dodge academic probation. at my part time job i laze around waiting for orders so i can prepare them instantly, and as soon as someone tells me to do something it’s done with all my strength and effort.
im only alive to spare others from hurt. when i forget about that, my survival instincts (or alter ego) prevent me from going through with any suicide attempt anyway. last thing i think is the paranoia and fear of people. this isnt the case anymore but i used to see lots of things in the dark. well not really but kinda, more i feel the presence? nightlights and the little lights on electronics scared the absolute shit out of me because they looked like eyes. i called them demons. i was always up after bedtimes because it was the only time i could not worry about parents, and navigating through a strong fear of the dark and eyes was worth it. since coming home a few days ago, this has completely gone away.
im still kinda paranoid. way less than before though because overwhelming guilt and suicidal thoughts are overpowering it at the moment, i guess? makes sense to me. it’s still very scary to look people in the eyes though. and talking to people is terrifying for me. i know im not shy, ive been boisterous around friends in the past, im in actual fear. maybe i was shy when i was younger and never talked to anyone or maybe i was terrified as a kid too. my parents never changed so it would make sense, screaming dad every day. ive been unable to connect with anyone except my ex.
okay well i made a thread to ask a question and answered it all on my own. i do that kind of thing a lot. im a really bad communicator though. advice for getting this information across? i cant just speak what’s on my mind. im constantly thinking, often thoughts arent even in my control, but when i start speaking, my mind instantly blanks. every time, my entire life. oh yeah i definitely have adhd too i keep forgetting to tell people that
okay elephant in the room has not been too active but hes there. the fucking demon that ruined my only happiness. i have this alter ego that is scary and mean. no but it’s really such a 180 from my normal personality that it scarred my ex terribly. i dont have firsthand memories of any of the happenings, but ive been kinda there in the more recent happenings i think? also it’s in love with me but only in the sexual sense. the most i was able to say about this before was im scared theres another person inside me and i might have bpd or did. the whole thing is super hard to talk about, a little easier to type.
i know i dont have bpd because ive literally never been happy besides the time i was in a relationship. no mania, first psychiatrist ruled it out. i’m too chill to have it anyway. so it’s psychosis or did i guess but every time i think about it did gets more and more unlikely.
okay im extremely depressed. ive been depressed my entire life. i might even go as far as to say my depression is extra bad, because i have 0 motivation to do anything for myself. everything ive ever done was to please others. im extremely lazy for myself, barely leaving bed and eating or drinking, but have a really good work ethic for others. my parents wanted good grades, straight As easy. college hits and it’s for me, grades plummet instantly and i barely dodge academic probation. at my part time job i laze around waiting for orders so i can prepare them instantly, and as soon as someone tells me to do something it’s done with all my strength and effort.
im only alive to spare others from hurt. when i forget about that, my survival instincts (or alter ego) prevent me from going through with any suicide attempt anyway. last thing i think is the paranoia and fear of people. this isnt the case anymore but i used to see lots of things in the dark. well not really but kinda, more i feel the presence? nightlights and the little lights on electronics scared the absolute shit out of me because they looked like eyes. i called them demons. i was always up after bedtimes because it was the only time i could not worry about parents, and navigating through a strong fear of the dark and eyes was worth it. since coming home a few days ago, this has completely gone away.
im still kinda paranoid. way less than before though because overwhelming guilt and suicidal thoughts are overpowering it at the moment, i guess? makes sense to me. it’s still very scary to look people in the eyes though. and talking to people is terrifying for me. i know im not shy, ive been boisterous around friends in the past, im in actual fear. maybe i was shy when i was younger and never talked to anyone or maybe i was terrified as a kid too. my parents never changed so it would make sense, screaming dad every day. ive been unable to connect with anyone except my ex.
okay well i made a thread to ask a question and answered it all on my own. i do that kind of thing a lot. im a really bad communicator though. advice for getting this information across? i cant just speak what’s on my mind. im constantly thinking, often thoughts arent even in my control, but when i start speaking, my mind instantly blanks. every time, my entire life. oh yeah i definitely have adhd too i keep forgetting to tell people that
