this is why.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by crazyjaxx, Feb 22, 2007.

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  1. crazyjaxx

    crazyjaxx Member

    This is why I want to die. The reason? It doesn't get better. It doesn't ever get better. I've been like this for years, and i've been on meds and i've been to hundreds of different therapists it feels like. And I feel like the only thing I really need is a genuine hug. I always thought, naively I'll admit, but I always thought that I would be better. When I was younger i thought it would all just go away. These feelings of worthlessness and loneliness and everything like it, it would all just go away. And it never has. This too shall pass, this too shall pass is a bunch of crap. It's never passed. I've gotten help. They tell me why, BUT THEY NEVER TELL ME HOW TO FIX IT. cept with meds. and because I've been like this for so long I don't want to be on meds. I'm so afraid it will change the very few parts of my personality that I actually like. I don't want to be a zombie, i just wanto to be me, and I want to be a relatively happy me. I know that life is a series of moments that you look forward to, but what happens when you know that all those moments are gone? And what happens when you realize that you have to wake up everyday like this? How do you fix it? That is all I want to know. I am so tired. It's the only adjective I can think of to describe all this. I'm angry and tired and just so hurt. People are horrible, this world is horrible. I love my family truthfully, and some of my friends, but I just don't know how long that can stop me. I'm so scared of what is to become of me right now. It's fucking ironic. I am 'loved' by everyone I know. Supposedly I'm a good person. And I couldn't feel less like a good person if I tried, which believe me I won't. I feel like there's an anvil on my chest always. It's a physical pain, and it hurts. All the time. And all of this has created so many medical problems for me. Ulcers and other horrible stuff that just makes me feel more like I don't belong. I always feel like a jagged puzzle piece. I almost fit, I can adapt to almost everywhere, but I can't stay. I always have to go. I am always one foot on the ground, and one foot out the door already. I never fit though, i always almost fit, and i feel like i fit for a little while, and then i realize that no matter how much I try i am never going to be close to feeling comfortable everywhere. No matter who around, no matter who with. I'm just so tired of the feel. My whole life revolves around what I feel vs. what I think. And i'm just so tired of that. And me, and my self pity, and my stupidity, and my uselessness. It's so fucking exhausting.

  2. Wow cj your post really moved me...deeply. Reading your words leaves me with an odd feeling, you have described exactly the way I perceive the world, the people around me, how I ( can't ) relate to them..everything. The feeling of being trapped is overwhelming, dragging myself from one disasterous failure only to fail again, hearing the words of encouragement but not understanding why they don't apply to me.

    It is as if your words came from my mouth, I am stunned by your description of hopelessness....I only wish that I had an answer for you.
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2007
  3. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    "It's just so fucking exhausting". That's how I feel most every day - and the constant fatigue is wearing me down. That's what depression does - it saps your strength, so that what's talking is not so much YOU, but the DEPRESSION.

    Please accept my sincere desire that your circumstances will improve and that your life will become somewhat more bearable. I am sorry I can't do more than offer my friendship and love, but that's all I have to offer - and I'm sincere. Once I make you my friend, you stay my friend.

    sending you love and hugs and hope,:hug:

  4. crazyjaxx

    crazyjaxx Member

    thank you so much for replying and understanding. I just don't even know what to do anymore. I love my friends and I love my family but it doesn't seem like it's enough to keep me here anymore. And it seems so so so selfish to deprive them of someone they love but at the same time what the hell does that mean for me? That I am stuck here in this world that I am so disappointed with and so tired of? Everyone always tells me that I am loved and all this crap but at this point it doesn't mean so much anymore. You can love me all you want, but I think the main point, and the main point for a lot of people is that you need to feel needed. At some point you need to feel as though you have made a difference in someone elses life in order to want to stay somewhere, and if my depression is this bad and I feel like this on an everyday basis than what am I doing here.
    I hear myself complaining all the time, and I can't stop myself. I hear myself saying things and I don't even know who's saying it. My friend at work asked me what was wrong the other day and I just said i was okay, and he told me I wasn't because I wasn't smiling. I had no idea that I was always smiling, no idea that that's what people see me as. I am a completely different person on the outside than I am on the inside. And I always feel like maybe this will be it, and then I get this stupid hope that maybe, maybe I will just fit, that this will be it and that I will understand what the hell everyone is talking about when they talk about normal life, and then about a month later I get that they are not talking about me, and if they are, they are talking about my alter ego that everyone else but me seems to see. It's so frustrating because you don't want to bother anyone and you don't want anyone to have to be responsible for you because you feel as though then you are even more of a burden than you have always been. But in the meantime what do you do? talk to therapists? i am all for therapy if you need to talk, but for me at least it seems like they are just giving me excuses. And I'm so tired these days that it seems like more energy to waste on giving excuses than to actually just pretend it's all okay.
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    O.K., I'm going to tell you right now that this is going to sound trite and stupid, but it's really not. You say that all you want is a genuine hug. Well, if I could, I would give you that hug, no lie. The other day, I hugged a homeless man (please don't think I'm saying this in order to brag about my "compassion", because I haven't even told this to my closest friends. I don't know if he even wanted the hug; he probably felt invaded for all I know), but I was speaking to him on the street and was moved with compassion and love for this man whose experiences I cannot even fathom. Maybe it was out of selfishness that I gave him that hug. A way of trying to personally connect with someone with whom I have almost nothing in common. Maybe it satisfied some intrinsic need that I have to be connected with the world. Either way, we are out there, if that is any small consolation. I know that you have many other problems, but maybe this will help you to realize that the world can really be a lovely place.

    On another note, you say how many people really love you. That is life's way of keeping you going even when you really have a hard time loving yourself. You seem like a good person (from what I can see; I don't know you), so try to hang in there. As Tom Petty says, "The waiting is the hardest part". I can't tell you it will get better, because maybe it won't. What I CAN tell you is that based on other's perceptions of you, YOU make the world better for them. Try to take comfort in that and use that as a reason to hang on.
  6. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni


    I'd like to first get out to you my BIGGEST BEAR HUGS :hug:I can....wish they were real....I can really relate to what your need to find your place in this world....and we all need to feel needed....we need a reason to put our feet on that floor everyday....and I don't know what yours is or mine for that matter.....but thier is one for everyone....sounds like you've been through alot with therapy....has any of it been helpfull to you? I was just wondering do you have any hobbies? You a student? You sound like a trooper and a strong person for all you have been through and it sounds like thiers alot of people out thier who really care for you.....hold on to that tight....and lean on us as much as you want....take good care....and keep us up to date on how your doing......-Jodi
  7. roze

    roze Active Member

    Some say love and hate are separated by a thin line. Maybe the same happens with happyness and sadness.
    Your words lead me to suppose all you need is to find 'that' special person in your life, that walks with you, hugs you, talks to you and understands you. Could that make all the difference to you, honestly?

    I find it hard to talk about my own situation, but let's just say i also got something like that going. I have good friends, excellent friends really, and i've always told myself friends are the best thing in this world, but can one really live of their friends? Everyone follows different paths, and no matter how many great friends one has, there will always be a feeling of emptyness and meaningless tearing you down.

  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You are right in that things don't just go away. There is a great deal of hard work that goes into becoming healthy in mind and spirit. It is not an easy task at all.Some are able to achieve this, others are not. It depends on the individual person. Depression is a power unto itself and works ever so hard at keeping us in a dark place where absolutely everything seems hopeless. You need to crack through this barrier and let some of the light in. You mention family and friends and not wanting to hurt them. You must also include yourself in this. You are important. You have ideas, thoughts, things to contribute. Don't sell yourself short. Believe in what you can do. Who you are in spite of the depression. There is a great person buried in there waiting to get out and enjoy life. i am convinced of this for you. i know it won't be easy. Please try. :hug:
  9. crazyjaxx

    crazyjaxx Member

    firstly I want to say thank you for all the support that I am receiving from you guys... secondly sorry that I ramble when i write, it's just that I don't talk to anyone about this stuff and it tends to all build up in my head and because I have no one to say it to. I can't say it to friends, I can't say it to my family. I know that you guys are all right, it's just so hard. I'm just so tired of fighting. My sisters boyfriend has depression too and he's like everyday is going to be a struggle, and I just don't know if I can do this everyday. He's right though, everyday is a struggle and everyday I wake up and go really? this is life? this is what I'm fighting for. It's just tiring. But thank you guys for all the support.
  10. zusanna

    zusanna Active Member

    i think i feel a lot of the same ways you do, and i'm very sorry for what you're going through, for what we both are going through. PM me if you'd like, i look forward to hearing from you.
  11. I haven't yet read a rambling post from you cj. All of your posts read like a newspaper article, very lucid and concise. Keep sharing your thoughts with us.
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