This is why I want to die. The reason? It doesn't get better. It doesn't ever get better. I've been like this for years, and i've been on meds and i've been to hundreds of different therapists it feels like. And I feel like the only thing I really need is a genuine hug. I always thought, naively I'll admit, but I always thought that I would be better. When I was younger i thought it would all just go away. These feelings of worthlessness and loneliness and everything like it, it would all just go away. And it never has. This too shall pass, this too shall pass is a bunch of crap. It's never passed. I've gotten help. They tell me why, BUT THEY NEVER TELL ME HOW TO FIX IT. cept with meds. and because I've been like this for so long I don't want to be on meds. I'm so afraid it will change the very few parts of my personality that I actually like. I don't want to be a zombie, i just wanto to be me, and I want to be a relatively happy me. I know that life is a series of moments that you look forward to, but what happens when you know that all those moments are gone? And what happens when you realize that you have to wake up everyday like this? How do you fix it? That is all I want to know. I am so tired. It's the only adjective I can think of to describe all this. I'm angry and tired and just so hurt. People are horrible, this world is horrible. I love my family truthfully, and some of my friends, but I just don't know how long that can stop me. I'm so scared of what is to become of me right now. It's fucking ironic. I am 'loved' by everyone I know. Supposedly I'm a good person. And I couldn't feel less like a good person if I tried, which believe me I won't. I feel like there's an anvil on my chest always. It's a physical pain, and it hurts. All the time. And all of this has created so many medical problems for me. Ulcers and other horrible stuff that just makes me feel more like I don't belong. I always feel like a jagged puzzle piece. I almost fit, I can adapt to almost everywhere, but I can't stay. I always have to go. I am always one foot on the ground, and one foot out the door already. I never fit though, i always almost fit, and i feel like i fit for a little while, and then i realize that no matter how much I try i am never going to be close to feeling comfortable everywhere. No matter who around, no matter who with. I'm just so tired of the feel. My whole life revolves around what I feel vs. what I think. And i'm just so tired of that. And me, and my self pity, and my stupidity, and my uselessness. It's so fucking exhausting.