This scares the crap outta me

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Gonz

Well-Known Member
#1
Okay, so there’s something going on with me that I’ve made a point of not mentioning so far. And honestly, I’m kinda hesitant to bring it up at all. I’m afraid of what people might think. But, the fact is, it’s affecting me more than almost anything else. But if I can’t talk about it someplace where I’m anonymous, then I don’t know what the hell else I can do, so here goes.

I’ve mentioned here that I have anxiety and that I’m agoraphobic, what I haven’t mentioned is what I’m anxious about. I have these thoughts. More than thoughts really. Not quite beliefs because there’s always a part of me that knows they’re not true. But, when things get bad, that part can get really small compared to the other part of me that insists (sometimes it feels like it’s screaming at me) that they must be true.

It’s a few different things. Sometimes I think people are following me and spying on me. Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I think that they’re speaking in some kind of code that I’m expected to interpret. Sometimes I think that everyone around me can hear my thoughts.

These things are ridiculous. I know that. Most of the time. Why would anyone follow me? I’m nobody. Why would random people be giving me coded messages and, if they were, why would no one ever teach me how to interpret them? And really, everybody in the world can read minds except for one random guy, and nobody ever talks about it? That’s fucking absurd.

So I know these things aren’t and can’t be true. But part of me doesn’t know it. And when things get bad, like they have lately, that part of me gets a lot bigger and stronger. And the only way I know to shut it up, to stop the thoughts from consuming me, is to act as though they were true. So I shut myself away where no one can see me, and I go out into the world as little as humanly possible, and I don’t talk to anyone. But I’m really fucking scared because I think it means there’s something seriously wrong with me.
 

Petal

SF dreamer
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#2
I have HUGE experience with agoraphobia - I think your paranoid thoughts are related to being agoraphobic. You are shut off from the outside world so you think people are thinking of you,trying to deceive you, trying to pass on telepathic messages. I understand what you're going through and think if you can overcome your agoraphobia your thoughts would be occupied on other things and less time for thinking people are out to ''get you'' so to speak. I remember I told you about the out and about association, did you make any contact with them? They are amazing and could help you massively. Getting outside again should be your number one priority. Please make contact with them and watch and see things grow and improve. Glad you posted here it proves you want to get well again.
 

Gonz

Well-Known Member
#3
Thanks Petal.

Can I ask what it is they do? I checked out their site, there was just a bit of general information and a contact form. I saw you mention in someone else’s thread that they’d help through email, butI wouldn’t even know what to say or ask, you know?
 

Sunday16

Well-Known Member
#5
Gonz, don't be afraid to seek help. It may be hard to believe but there are many more people who want help you than hurt you. I wish I could give you names or places but I'm afraid I don't have much experience with this, just compassion for your situation. I hope if you do some research online you can find an organization that will get you moving in the right direction. Good luck to you, I'm sending you good, positive thoughts.
 

Petal

SF dreamer
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Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#7
Thanks Petal.

Can I ask what it is they do? I checked out their site, there was just a bit of general information and a contact form. I saw you mention in someone else’s thread that they’d help through email, butI wouldn’t even know what to say or ask, you know?
Just send a simple e-mail sharing your story and hat you are going through, don't be afraid, they are awesome, what they really do is work with your doctor in a long distance way to see how they can help and what might work for you. They will most definitely help you even though you are not Irish, they are trained and some have personal experience with agoraphobia :) You can do it, they will support you by email as much as possible.
 

Petal

SF dreamer
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#9
You are more than welcome. Feel free to talk tome any day any tie drop me a message. I literally did not leave the house for 5 years. I wouldn't even open the curtains, answer the phone, what I have realised is help IS out there but I know how hard it is to reach out, I found it very embarrassing but looking back I had nothing to be ashamed of. I have every belief you can get through this. Can I be nosy and ask how the agoraphobia started, why and how? I just want to help as I have been there. Not many people can relate to this condition but it is getting more common unfortunately but that leads to more resources and more help.
 

Gonz

Well-Known Member
#10
Can I be nosy and ask how the agoraphobia started, why and how?
I’ve always reacted to stress by isolating myself as much as possible, ever since I was a kid. But the first time it got that bad was in my early 20s after a very unhealthy relationship ended badly. I moved to a new city to get away from all that, and didn’t leave my apartment for six months. It’s happened again since then, whenever my anxiety gets particularly bad and those thoughts get too loud to ignore; sometimes just for a couple weeks or months, one time for a little over a year. I could manage it somewhat when my wife was alive, by bringing her with me whenever I had to go anywhere that made me uncomfortable or was unfamiliar. She was really good at keeping me calm and knowing when I needed her to talk to people for me. But the last year and a half since I lost her is the worst it’s ever been.
 

Petal

SF dreamer
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#11
But the last year and a half since I lost her is the worst it’s ever been.
I am so sorry for your loss and how all of this dwindled down to full blown agoraphobia. She would want you calm and have someone to talk to.
I'd lose my mind if i lost my mother, i appreciate her so much. I'm so sorry the death of your wife turned into this but you can pull through this, i'm confident of that.
Do you think living in a rural area would be better for you and your anxiety's and agoraphobia?
The city might be too much for you to handle right now. Think on that my friend, grievance counseling could also make huge changes to our life, you'll get there im sure :)
 

gypsylee

SF Supporter
#12
Hi @Gonz

I read your post before but I have to get some rest. However, Basket Case by Greenday popped into my head and I have to share it..

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Or am I just stoned?

Also, I’ve lived with a chronic schizophrenic with paranoia and he fully believes his delusions. I *know* they’re delusions because he’s accused me of things that are just not true. Unless I’m completely insane and I don’t even know what I’m doing half the time! I might have been a blackout drinker but no, I’m not a spy for the Freemasons while blacked out :rolleyes:
 

Walker

Everything Zen
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#15
When I was younger I really really thought there were cameras everywhere and it bothered me a lot. I acted as though I were being watched all the time. I couldn't like sleep without pajamas, for instance. Showering? No. I took a bath for like 15 years because there were cameras in the shower head and I had to wrap that thing up in a towel. I feel for you. I didn't think people were reading my thoughts but.. yeah, I've got a paranoid streak too. I'm sorry, dude.
 
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